The New Random Adventures of Jak and Daxter
by ChocolateZombie
Summary: A bunch of random oneshots that I thought of while playing the Jak games. Mostly involves Jak and Torn, because you know you can make them do the stupidest, most random stuff together. Chapter 13 up
1. Picnic of Doom

**I decided to do another rewrite of this first chapter, as I was bored and didn't feel like doing another new one and I also wanted to redo another chapter. Hope this thing is still funny for you guys.**

The New Random Adventures of Jak and Daxter

Chapter 1: Picnic of Doom

It was a normal day in Haven City; or at least it was in Erol's opinion. The commander in question was currently relaxing in his average-sized bed reading a gun magazine, gazing out of his small window at the midday sun and at the city below that he really didn't care that much about.

Erol's day had been going normally; or again, it was normal according to Erol's standards. It all started when he, and everyone else in the Palace, for that matter, was yanked from his sleep at around 7:30 in the morning after an apparent explosion had occurred that shook the building. Upon further examination, the explosion and rumble was actually Praxis, who had somehow fallen out of his massive Baron-sized bed on the top floor, creating a massive crater inside of his bedroom where he had fallen. Erol and the other residents were astounded that Praxis hadn't managed to fall through the floor and into the room below his, which happened to be Erol's. The commander even saw a bulge in his ceiling confirming that theory. Erol wondered if he should even go back to sleep after this phenomenon, but he knew he'd only be getting up in another hour or so anyway.

After quickly getting down to the cafeteria for breakfast before Praxis arrived to shoo everyone out so he could 'check the food for poisons', Erol went out on his morning patrol throughout the city. Although his patrols were supposed to last only a couple of hours, this particular patrol lasted quite a few hours longer because of, well, an 'accident' in the slums. As Erol arrived on the scene, he immediately spotted one of the many people he despised up ahead...with a digital camera.

"Ugh, I should've known," Erol muttered to himself, walking up to the perpetrator. "Jak, what did you do this time; and why do you have a camera?"

"Isn't it beautiful, Erol," Jak responded as he took pictures of the wreck. "I think it's my greatest masterpiece yet! This is going on the wall of fame!"

Erol glanced at this so-called 'masterpiece' and saw a very large pileup of zoomers, along with the drivers of said zoomers. It was a terrible sight, too: people were screaming obscenities at Jak, some of the zoomers had actually caught fire, a citizen kept yelling "my leg!" over and over, and the piece-of-resistance, what looked to be Torn's brand new convertible sitting in a crumpled heap on the top of the wreckage. It was almost like a Christmas tree, with Torn's car as the star on top. Of course, only Jak would see it that way; everyone else would just cringe at the sight.

Erol watched as Jak finished his pictures then grabbed another zoomer and drove off; most likely to the Underground to brag about his new creation to Torn. Erol soon heard a crash, followed a few moments later by a loud gasp. The commander soon heard a very loud "JAAAAAAK" that somehow caused an earthquake-like rumble throughout the city, causing some damage to buildings as well as causing many windows...and Vin...to shatter. Erol smirked to himself as Jak came racing out of the Underground on another one of Torn's cars, the ex-commander following him on another zoomer shouting obscenities at the hero. Erol snickered as another explosion occurred out of his view, followed by more yelling from Torn.

After spending the next few hours prying citizens out of the wreckage, Erol returned for lunch at the palace and had been relaxing in his room since then. The commander glanced at his clock, which read '1:00 pm', narrowing his eyes when he concluded he still had to endure 9 more hours of this dreaded Monday. Erol really hoped that he wouldn't be interrupted for the rest of the day, but he knew that as long as Praxis resided inside the palace, things were bound to happen that would involve the commander leaving the sanctity of his bedroom and either be forced to accompany the baron in his Baron-ing, or he would have to stop Praxis from continuing said Baron-ing. And sure enough, Erol's peace and quiet was interrupted by a sudden knock at the door. Erol rolled his eyes, still determined to have the rest of the day to himself.

"Go away whoever you are," Erol yelled. There were a few more knocks before it stopped and Erol had smiled in victory...or so he thought. Erol heard a 'smash' moments later, looking up from his magazine to see that a meaty hand hat somehow found its way through his door. Erol immediately recognized the had as Praxis's, putting down the magazine and sulking on his bed. He watched Praxis attempt to feel for the lock to open the door, but failed and pulled his hand out. Erol thought that surely Praxis would've given up now, but he was sadly mistaken. Erol's face became one of horror as there was a much louder 'CRASH', followed by Praxis ripping right through Erol's door like it was paper.

"What do you want?" Erol asked angrily.

"Oh, nothing," Praxis replied casually, getting up off the floor and brushing himself off like he didn't just break down Erol's door for the third time that week.

"Then why did you just massacre my door," Erol asked. Praxis looked down to see the damage he'd caused and just stood there like he didn't even care.

"Cause you wouldn't let me in even after I knocked politely," Praxis said. Erol just smacked his forehead.

"Sir, you break people's doors down all the time," Erol said. Praxis suddenly got an angry look in his eyes, which made Erol immediately regret what he said.

"I do NOT," Praxis hissed, his eye twitching like he was going to strangle Erol. "Pfft, and this is the thanks I get for trying to invite you to my Picnic Party tonight."

"OK sir, first of all I do LIVE here," Erol replied. "So in a way you don't need to invite me; or anyone else that lives here in the palace that you will most likely try to go and invite anyway." Praxis just stared at Erol with a bored expression as he continued on. "Secondly, do you remember the last time you tried to hold a party?"

"Urr..." Praxis mumbled.

"When Veger was hanging from the chandelier like the drunk that he is and Seem kept hitting him with a baseball bat like he was a pinata..."

No response from Praxis.

"When Jak did that 'Extreme cannonball' into the pool..."

Praxis chuckled at the thought of Jak's stunt but said nothing more.

"When Torn chased me around the city with that piece of broccoli..."

"OH, yeah that...ah, good times," Praxis said.

"You don't even care about what I'm saying, do you," Erol said. Praxis then let out a quick belch, saying: "So, then, I'll see you at Seven?"

"Ugh...fine," Erol said. Praxis squealed giddily as he waddled out of Erol's room and down the hall to the left. Erol lamented the loss of his door (which he had to replace just a few days prior because of someone busting that one down) whilst listening to Praxis's thundering slowly dissipate until it stopped a few moments later.

Erol was about to lay down where he then heard another 'smash'. Erol realized that Praxis had invaded yet another poor soul's room, making an attempt to invite another resident of the Palace to this shenanigan of his. Erol continued listening in, as a slight scream was heard after the crash, followed by some incoherent yelling from the room's owner, followed by louder yelling which was no doubt Praxis retaliating. There was then some more crashing and banging, some girlish screaming which undoubtedly belonged to Veger (meaning now Erol realized it was the council chair's room Praxis was invading), more yelling, what sounded like a stabbing noise, a shriek, some incoherent gibberish, and lastly an explosion. Erol then heard the thunders of the Baron walking out of that room, and couldn't help to rush over and see if Veger was alright.

When he did get there, however, the sight actually flabbergasted Erol; the entire room was spotless; no broken chairs, no banged-up bed, no dents or holes in the walls, no destruction at all. The only thing that had shown the past incident had occurred was that Veger was balled up in the middle of the floor, rocking back and forth sucking his thumb. Erol also eyed what seemed to be a plastic spork that was, for reasons unknown, stabbed into the head of the council's forehead. Erol figured that Veger was eating his lunch when Praxis invaded, attempted to use the spork in self-defense, but failed. Erol sighed and walked out the door, heading to his room to enjoy what little peace and quiet he had left before it would all be ruined later that night.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

It was finally 8pm, and Praxis had been eagerly awaiting the arrival of his 'guests', who for the most part decided to go along with this charade as they didn't want to incur the wrath of Praxis (and be the cause of a massive city-wide rampage).

There were some holdouts, though, including Damas who kept mistaking Praxis for a girl scout selling cookies, Veger who said he would be busy all day doing 'Council' things (shows clip of him sitting in the Naughty Otsel all day watching ESPN) before the earlier destruction to his room and his forehead happened, and Torn, despite Praxis saying that "The best part is that that stupid-ass Torn isn't going to be there" right in front of his face, before asking Torn if he wanted to come, who was met with Torn chasing him out of the Underground with his dagger.

Praxis soon heard the doorbell begin to ring (the fact that the palace had a doorbell mystified everyone), as his guests flooded in. Praxis watched gleefully as Ashelin, Keira, Samos, Kliever, Jak (who made a 'smashing' entrance; meaning he literally drove 'through' the door to the palace), Kor, Onin, Vin, Jinx, Veger, Daxter, Pecker, Young Samos, Jorn (a fusion of Jak and Torn), Razer, Gol (for some odd reason), Krew, Tess, Metal Kor, Human Daxter, UR-86, Sig, Erol, and finally Seem enter the Palace in no particular order.

"THEY'RE HERE," Praxis cheered gleefully and began to mingle with everyone. The lot soon found themselves out in the palace gardens where to party was set up at. Yes, everything was going well for Praxis; that is, until...well...

"Hey moron," a voice said behind the Baron. Praxis's face scrunched up in rage at that voice, turning around to see Torn standing with his arms crossed.

"You..." Praxis spat, spit flying from his mouth and landing on Torn's face. "I don't remember inviting YOU, you scoundrel!"

"Uh, yeah, you did, and here's the invite," Torn said, showing Praxis the document whilst wiping the Praxis saliva off his face. The Baron grabbed it and began to scan it, processing this foreign information in his head. Torn swore he could hear machine or computer-like noises coming from Praxis's ears, as if a computer was actually inside his head.

Torn waited for about five minutes before Praxis finally spoke: "Well, it LOOKS like my invite...But is it the real thing?"

"Uh...it has your seal and signature right there," Torn pointed out. Praxis looked it over again, even attempting to sign his own name in an effort to try and match this (to him) foreign signature that was claimed to be his own. In fact, Praxis spent about 15 minutes comparing numerous samples to the invite, before finally saying: "Ok, so it IS mine. Hm...I GUESS your story checks out."

"Good, now get me a peanut-mushroom smoothie," Torn demanded. Some passersby raised an eyebrow at such a dish, expecting someone like Jak or Daxter to order something like that.

"GET IT YOURSELF," Praxis raged, his voice booming through the city and setting off a few alarms. Torn just stared at Praxis. The Baron saw this stare and believed Torn had challenged the Baron to a staring contest, and the loser would make the smoothie. Praxis narrowed his eyes and began to stare at Torn, sweat dripping off his face. Torn stood still, however, unfazed by this action. Praxis started even harder, his armpits and neck now beginning to sweat. Torn still didn't respond, and eventually Praxis couldn't hold it in anymore and had to blink.

"You..." Praxis asked in amazement. "Are...you a...wizard?"

Torn just raised an eyebrow, finally blinking as well.

"You machine..." Praxis muttered. "OK, I'll make the smoothie." Praxis waddled away, Torn still having no idea what had just happened.

(meanwhile)

"You..." Jak muttered menacingly, his eyes narrowed as he stared dramatically at the person/object in front of him. "So...we meet again, my friend."

"Jak, what are you doing," Keira asked as she wandered by Jak.

"Not now, sweetie, I'm doing a monologue," Jak responded. Keira just rolled her eyes and walked away, Jak continuing with his speech. "I conquered you once, and I can do it again. But this time...it will be even MORE extreme."

"Jak, why are you talking to the swimming pool," Torn asked as he walked over after hearing his employer's mutterings.

"Because it thinks it's better than me," Jak stated, smiling like he had an idea. Torn feared such a smile, and realizing Jak was about to do something that would end up costing him money, walked away to see if Praxis had started his smoothie yet.

(Back to Praxis)

"Ugh...where are you...aha! There you are," Praxis muttered, rummaging through the kitchen of the palace. He then pulled out a blender that Erol had bought last summer, which had remained unused because the baron likes to make his drinks 'the manly way' (Shows clip of a cement mixer with sharp metal points inside it attached to the engine of a zoomer sitting in Praxis's garage). Eventually Praxis had figured out how to work such a foreign machine, grabbing the contents of Torn's requested drink and dumping them in.

"OK...this goes there...this presses...and..." Praxis mumbled as he fussed with the controls of the blender, not knowing how it worked and also not bothering to read the instruction manual (Shows clip of him throwing it out the window of the kitchen, the manual flying through the air some before smacking Vin in the head). Praxis did finally get the blender to start up; however, he forgot a basic step in blender usage: putting the lid to the blender on. So...

*SPLAT*

Yes, once the blender started going, the contents, instead of being ground into a delectable beverage, flew out of the appliance and vigorously covered the walls, the ceiling, Praxis, the door to the kitchen, Praxis again, the floor, Praxis, and some had even managed to escape out the window of the kitchen and hit a passing Vin, who yelled "I SURRENDER!" before running around the gardens screaming girlishly.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY PRECIOUS SMOOTHIE," Torn asked in a rage, standing in the door after arriving just in time to see the smoothie explosion end.

"Oh, Torn, you and your stories," Praxis said, flicking his hand in the air. "What makes you think I did this?"

Torn stared at Praxis, amazed that he could be that stupid. "Well, you're the one standing next to the blender, and you're also the one I told to go make the smoothie," Torn replied. "You're also the only one here stupid enough to do such a thing, besides Jak, who seems to be eying your pool again, and Damas, who isn't even here."

"But that blender's so hard to use..."

"No it's not," Torn said, walking away.

"Well, You wanted the smoothie in the first place; if you wouldn't have ordered it, this wouldn't have happened!"

"If you weren't such a moron, this wouldn't have happened," Torn remarked.

"Veger did it!"

"Veger's not even here," Torn said, holding up a sticky note that said: "Gone to the Wasteland" in Veger's handwriting with his signature.

"Erol bought the blender! If he'd only let me do things my way for once!"

"You're the Baron, you can do whatever you want."

Praxis just stared at Torn, like he'd just spoken another language. Torn looked at Praxis, puzzled. Did he really just forget he was the BARON?

"Hey...you're right," Praxis said, smiling cheerily. "I AM THE BARON!" Praxis leaned out the window, yelling: "Hey guys, guess what? I'm the BARON!"

Everyone just looked at each other strangely, but shrugged, clapping gratuitously at Praxis's seemingly new found achievement (well, to him is was new).

"I must fulfill my new Baron duties," Praxis proclaimed, leaping out the window. "Oh, and I blame Dark Eco," Praxis said, popping his upper body into the room from the window, holding a jug of Dark Eco. Torn rolled his eyes and watched Praxis run off, then looked at his watch and suddenly remembered it was Laundry day back in the Underground and he hadn't done such thing yet. Torn raced off back to the Underground, catching a glimpse of an incoming vehicle which happened to be the Slam Dozer with Damas at the wheel, along with Justin from 'From Rookie to Hero' riding in the passenger's seat.

"I am Damas, hear me ROAR," Damas announced, before screaming in a high-pitched girly voice. "I AM THE GREATEST! Ah, here we are!" The King of Spargus then proceeded to drive through the hole of the Palace that Jak had recently created, driving through the building itself before out another wall and coming to a stop at the party. "Go ahead Justin, I have business to attend to," Damas said, narrowing his eyes in a dramatic manner, saying his sentence in a similar manner. Justin just looked at him weird before strolling on ahead of him.

Meanwhile, Praxis was happily enjoying himself and his celebratory Baroning, which included Gloating to Erol that he couldn't boss him around anymore, sending Ashelin up to bed because 'she was too young to be at a party like this', shooing everyone away from the punch bowl and then proceeding to drink the whole bowl, and of course forcing all of the guests to listen to a mix tape of his most favorite artists including Beyonce, the Black Eyed Peas, The Who, and even a little bit of Michael Jackson, to which Praxis also forced everyone into dancing to "Thriller". It was then that Justin had wandered into the area, and right away the Baron noticed him out of the corner of his eye.

"YOU..." Praxis said, turning to the young FL soldier and pointing a finger at him, narrowing his eyes dramatically. "I remember you..." Praxis stood there for about a minute, Justin raising an eyebrow at this. The baron then mysteriously disappeared, before mysteriously re-appearing in the exact same spot, only this time he had something with him that made Justin freeze in his tracks. It was a cannon; sure, it looked like an ordinary 18th century cannon, and in fact it was. It also still worked, to the amazement of everyone.

Justin remembered the horrible day when he came face to face with that dreaded cannon: it was 'meet Baron Praxis' day at the Haven mall, and Justin's mom had taken him to see the baron that day. Justin apparently ended up asking too many boring questions that day, and was otherwise annoying in Praxis's eyes, and so the Baron did what the Baron always does: create mayhem. He proceeded to grab the little ten-year old kid that was Justin and shove him into the cannon that was somehow sitting behind the Baron and had not even been noticed by anyone until he used it. He fired the cannon and launched Justin through the air and out the glass window overhead. His mom began to complain, but Praxis asked if she'd like to join her son and she quickly quieted down.

Justin quickly screamed and ran away, presumably to find Jak or Damas, Praxis chuckling under his breath. However, Praxis soon turned serious again, as he had unconsciously sniffed the air and smelled something he didn't approve of. It smelled...hot...sandy...and...well-groomed. Praxis turned to see Damas strutting towards the Baron, a look of disappointment on his face.

"What are YOU doing here," Praxis asked.

"You call this a party," he asked. "Hrmph, my parties are five times more fun than this!"

"You...HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY PARTY-HOLDING SKILLS!"

"The usual challenge, then," Damas asked with a smirk. Praxis nodded as the two ran off, the guests wondering what the 'usual challenge' even was.

Meanwhile, Justin had managed to escape to the pool area, but was stopped by a cardboard and plywood wall surrounding the whole pool. In addition, several signs were posted around, reading: "keep out", "authorized personnel only", and "No peeking". A large white tarp covered the whole pool as well, seemingly reaching several feet into the air. Justin wandered over to the lone opening and, not heeding the signs, attempted to take a peek under the tarp. However, just as he touched it, Jak instantly appeared and shooed him away, stating: "you'll just have to wait until after the experiment is completed just like everyone else." Jak then resumed his work, construction noises being heard soon after. Justin shrugged and, remembering that it was laundry day at the Underground, went off to do some 'clothes diving'.

Meanwhile, Veger had finally returned from doing his 'Council' things (shows clip of him and the rest of the council drag-racing in the Wasteland) and had expected to return to a somewhat under control Palace. However, he had forgotten about Praxis's 'party', and upon arriving at the Palace, immediately noticed the large hole that used to be the entrance to the place. Veger walked into the palace, following the destruction inside with concern, before finding another hole the same size (right in the Council room, of all places) and walking outside and into the Gardens.

Veger gasped in terror when he layed eyes upon everyone he despised all in the same location and running amok in the gardens, hooting and hollering. The council head almost fainted a the sight of Praxis and Damas drunkenly singing and doing air-guitar (this must've been 'the usual challenge') with Kliever and Gol doing background music, Keira chasing Ashelin around the garden with her spanner because she 'looked at her funny', Tess, Rayn, and Gol(?) sitting around laughing drunkenly for no real reason, Erol and Razer racing each other in lawn mowers, Seem and Sig LARPing, Kor doing the disco, Samos making out with a tree, and lastly, a very large tarp covering the pool area in a weird shape. Veger sighed in agony as he went into the kitchen to get a drink to calm his nerves; nerves that had suddenly seen their limit as he saw the exploded smoothie mess covering the kitchen.

"WHO DEFILED MY BEAUTIFUL KITCHEN," Veger roared furiously once he'd rushed back outside. Everyone just stared at him with their drunken expressions: Erol fell off the seat of the lawnmower he was on in the background.

"Hey...he's not drunk," Praxis slurred. "Let's GET HIM!"

The drunken rebel began to stir from their seats, slowly making their way towards Veger. The council head just stood there, unimpressed, as everyone eventually fell over from lack of coordination. Veger was about to just leave when he heard a very familiar voice; a voice that could only mean one thing: something very bad was about to happen.

"GENTLEMEN...and ladies...BEHOLD!"

The voice belonged to Jak, as he had finally finished his 'project', pulling the very large tarp off of whatever it was, Veger cringing at the sight of what seemed like a daredevil diving obstacle course. Flames lit up on the surface of the pool, a small ring of safe water available in the center, hoops (also on fire), arrow traps, guillotines, rabid crocodile/shark hybrids, and lastly a diving board that was also on fire. "I will now attempt the awesomenest, epicist, most insane and radtastical cannonball ever! FEAR MY POWER!"

Jak then ripped off his clothes, revealing a somewhat-small-for-him pair of swim trunks, and then climbed up the blazing steps of the diving board ladder and onto the board which was at least 100 feet in the air. Everyone watched in amazement as Jak did a few warmup bounces before leaping off the diving board and falling through the air, past all the hazards, doing several 'stunts' in the air including air guitar, the worm, dancing like an Egyptian, watching TV, playing basketball, and finally doing karate moves before curling into a ball and approaching the target.

Some swore they heard an explosion take place once Jak hit the water, and some even said they actually saw the pool explode. Veger watch in horror and slow motion as the aquatic contents of the pool flew up into the sky, coming down like a heavy rainfall on all of the guests, bits of flaming pool falling from the sky as well. Everyone checked for any sign of Jak, thinking he'd finally gone off the deep end this time. Amazingly, the blonde crawled out of the pool, somehow only being slightly singed from such a massive explosion. Jak did a victory pose as the crowd of guests cheered drunkenly for him. Ironically, Jak was the only sober person there (besides Veger, though that could be debatable).

Veger had finally had enough, screaming: "THAT'S IT! ALL OF YOU, OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW! OUT!" People muttered obscenities and other hateful words before slowly making their way out of the Palace; however, Veger had managed to round up Erol and Ashelin and lead them to the kitchen.

"OK, you two, you're gonna clean up this whole 'party' mess," Veger stated.

"Why us? It was father's idea," Ashelin said.

"Yes, but your father considers cleaning up to be 'shoving everything in some random room in the palace', usually my room," Veger replied. Ashelin nodded, remembering what happened when the Baron did his 'spring cleaning' earlier that year; Veger couldn't even get into his room to go to bed and instead had to sleep at the Naughty Otsel that night. "Now I'm going up to my room to read, and I expect this place to be spotless when I get back. Understand?" Ashelin and Erol nodded, Veger walking to the elevator and going up to his room.

"How the (hic) are we gonna clean this (hic) up," Erol asked, still somewhat intoxicated. Ashelin thought for a moment before pulling what looked like a normal whistle from her pocket and using it. Kliever then mysteriously appeared, Ashelin pointing to the current kitchen destruction. Kliever saluted her and began to lick all the smoothie mess from the walls, ceiling, and anywhere else it may have landed.

"How did he..." Erol asked, mystified.

"I have no clue," Ashelin replied. Kliever finally finished up his business and took Erol and Ashelin on a joyride throughout the city in the slam dozer.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Meanwhile, Torn had been attempting to do laundry for the past few hours, but was being interrupted by Justin taking all the clothes and making mounds out of them, 'diving' into the mounds. He'd asked Torn if he wanted to join, but the dreaded man refused politely, horrified inside that his laundry was getting dirtier and dirtier by the minute. He had finally been able to distract the young FL soldier by giving him his old Game Boy to play with, Justin lounging on one of the beds while Torn finished up the rest of the laundry.

Torn had just gotten everything folded and sorted, and was about to sit in his chair and admire his work when his door was knocked upon. Torn wondered who, besides Jak, would be here at this hour, and when he went to open the door, he was met with the same mob of people who were at the Palace rushing in, trampling over him yelling and cheering.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING IN MY HOUSE," Torn boomed.

"Mr. Tight ass Veger kicked us out so we decided we'd come and have a party here," Praxis said before looking at all the clean, folded laundry. "Hey, look everyone, clothes!" Everyone cheered and began to do some more 'clothes diving', Jak somehow pulling a leaver that opened a trap door on the ceiling and poured large amounts of clothes into the room. Everyone began to build forts with all the clothes and have clothes wars. Torn ran out of the Underground crying about his house being ransacked by morons.

Praxis soon brought his attention to Torn's microwave, pressing some buttons and messing around with it, eventually causing it to explode. The group just cheered at the explosion, molten microwave parts flying in random directions, some hitting the ceiling fan and being batted around.

Veger, meanwhile, had walked down the stairs to check on Torn and Ashelin and was met with saliva replacing the smoothie mess as the substance that covered the walls. Veger screamed girlishly and ran crying out of the palace and back to the wasteland.

Torn returned to his home the next morning from wherever he'd ran off to (shows clip of him in the Naughty Otsel, rocking back and forth in a booth all night). He was met by the whole lot passed out all over the Underground in several locations, including inside the furnace, draped over his zoomer, and even somehow stuck to the ceiling. Torn got all of them back on their feet and shooed them out of the Underground so he could clean up the mess and tell the members of the Underground why they didn't have clean clothes.

At the end of the day, Praxis eventually ended up having to clean up the remaining mess in the gardens, in which he did what he'd normally do; gather all the junk up and shove it in a random room in the palace, which no doubt happened to be Veger's room. The Council head returned later that day to an impassable room, screaming 'I hate you, you always ruin my life' before running to the Naughty Otsel for the rest of the day. It was then decided that Praxis was not allowed to hold or attend any type of party whatsoever ever again, in fear that he would destroy the entire city and the entire world, no doubt using that cannon of his to aid him.


	2. Insurance Rates

**Well, to keep up with everyone else here, I've decided to turn the Picnic story into a bunch of random humor stories. This is the second in the collection.**

Chapter 2: Insurance Rates

It was another random early morning in Haven City, and Jak was passed out on the floor after he had been up all night at the Naughty Otsel partying after Daxter had originally asked him to help put up decorations for his birthday. Jak knew it wasn't Daxter's birthday.

He then eventually got pulled into this huge party that involved every character in Haven (even Praxis and Erol, and even Kor), and every character from Spargus (Veger was human), and all the characters from Kras (even a supposedly dead Mizo).

Jak then woke up.

"Ugh," he groaned, walking over to the bar where Daxter and Tess were cleaning up after the party. "Guys, what happened?"

"You passed out after falling on the floor while pretending to be Tarzan," Daxter said.

"Well, that explains this," Jak said, pointing out the fact that he was wearing a leotard. He quickly changed back.

"Hey, what's this yellow bottle here," Jak asked, taking a drink of it.

"Wait, that's not..." Daxter started, but Jak had already downed the entire bottle and fell asleep. "A drink."

(3 hours later)

Jak had woken up, and things were relatively unchanged.

"Wha happen," he asked, still sleepy.

"You drank Onin's experimental sleeping potion," Daxter responded. "She must've forgot it here yesterday."

"Uh..." Jak drooled, then saw a light blue bottle. "Hey, what's this? (glug) (spit) water!?"

Jak then proceeded to drink all the bottles on the table, and raiding the counter under the table.

"Do you have a drinking problem," Daxter asked.

"Whatareyou (Hic!) talkin'bout, I'm fine," Jak slurred.

"Sure you are," Daxter said.

Jak then saw Torn, who was in one of the stalls asleep, a bottle of Haven Select (beer) still in his hand.

Jak then got an evil, yet funny idea.

"I'm gonna go to work," he said.

"But Jak, the Underground doesn't open for five hours still," Daxter said.

"I know," Jak said. He then went outside, and sure enough, Torn's car was parked outside. Jak knows what happens when Torn finds damage on his car. He then took out his peacemaker and shot the car, blowing it up.

"Heh, Torn's car," he laughed, quickly grabbing another car.

Inside, Torn had suddenly jolted awake.

"Car...senses...tingling," he monologued, and ran outside.

"He has 'Car Senses'," Daxter asked.

"Yep, it happens whenever someone's been messing with his car," Tess responded.

"Who would...uh oh," Daxter said.

"What do you mean, 'uh oh'," Tess asked.

"Uh...I gotta go, sweetie," Daxter said, running outside.

Meanwhile, Torn had gotten outside, only to see his precious car destroyed.

"(high-pitched gasp) MY CAR!" he then saw a civilian standing near it. "YOU!!" he shouted, diving at the civilian.

"Hey, what the heck, man," the civilian asked.

"YOU DETHTROID MAI CUARR!"

"What you talkin' bout man, I didn't touch any car," the civilian shouted. Torn then began beating up the guy, who yelled for the nearest KG near him.

"FREEZE," the KG shouted, prying Torn off the guy with a crowbar.

"HE DESTRIOYED MY CAR," Torn yelled, spit flying from his mouth and landing on the KG's face. Torn then hit the guard.

"Ah! I NEED BACKUP! WE GOT A CRAZY ONE!" He shouted, pinning Torn to the ground, who was foaming at the mouth. A KG with a tranquilizer showed up and put Torn to sleep.

Jak then drove by, giggling like a schoolgirl.

Daxter then appeared in the car.

"What did you do," he asked.

"Nothin'," Jak said innocently, and drove away.

Later that day, Jak had pulled in front of the Underground, smashing into Torn's just now-delivered new car (luckily he gets a free car every time his other car gets destroyed; he just has to pay more for it a month) and walked down to see Ashelin standing there with a pouty look on her face.

"Heya, Ashelin," Jak said.

"What did you do," she asked.

"Do what?"

"Torn's in the Fortress because someone destroyed his car, and I think it was you."

"What makes you think that," Jak asked.

"Well, you're the only one stupid enough to do it," she said.

"And what is THAT supposed to mean?"

"It means you did it."

"And what is THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

Ashelin just glared at him. "And for that, you're going to go pick him up."

"Why me?"

"Well, you're the only one who doesn't have anything to do today. I'm busy helping daddy, Erol, and Veger in the palace, Torn can't drive himself out because they suspended his license for a week, and you get the idea."

"Eargh, fine," Jak groaned, walking out and grabbing Torn's new car that now had a huge dent in the side from Jak smashing into it, driving to the fortress.

At the fortress, the Krimson Guards were enjoying a voluntary lunch break (and by voluntary, I mean that Praxis usually cleans out the whole lunch room before the guards can even take their pick), when there was a loud smash.

It was then discovered that Jak had driven the car through the doors and to the lobby, where all the guards just looked at him funny.

"What?"

"We're not paying for that," a guard said.

Jak then went up to the service desk, and dinged the bell.

"What," a guard said over a speaker.

"I'm here to pick up Torn."

"Who's Torn?"

"Dreads, brown hair, paranoid about his insurance?"

"Oh, him. I'll buzz you in."

The door opened, and a few minutes later, the two were out and in the car.

"Jak, did you drive "through" the doors," Torn asked.

"Uh...so Torn, how was your night in the Fortress," Jak said with a slight giggle.

"It was horrible! They fed me TV dinners! You know how much I hate TV dinners! Then I had to wear a ridiculous uniform! It clashed with my hair!"

Jak was snickering louder.

"It's not funny! I...wait a minute...YOU! YOU DESTROYED MY CAR! I KEEEELLL YOU!" Torn then pulled out his dagger and reached for Jak, who pushed the eject button on the car.

Torn then landed next to a guard, where Jak then yelled: "MAN WITH A DAGGER!"

"A dagger!? That's worse than a gun!" a guard said suddenly. He then looked at Torn, who put his dagger behind his back. "GET HIM!"

"JAAAAAAAKKKK!!" Torn yelled, as he was pummeled by guards.


	3. Gordon Moves In

**Well, this is chapter three, and it's just as funny as the last one. But, don't worry, there's a lot funnier ones coming up.**

Chapter 3: Gordon Moves In

After having to spend another night in the fortress for his outburst, and after his insurance agent terminated the contract, Torn had to find another insurance agent to hire, as well as keep Jak from doing anything that would possibly cause the agent to not want to be hired.

Jak arrived at the underground the next day to a still-pissed Torn and...a guy in an orange suit.

"Hiya, Torn," Jak said happily and obliviously. Torn just grunted.

"Jak, this is Gordon," he continued, pointing to the orange-suited man.

"I just moved here a few days ago from City 17," Gordon said. "Trust me, that place was a madhouse."

"Well, welcome to Haven, then," Jak said.

"Jak, listen, please," Torn inturrupted. "A new insurance company, because our old one terminated my contract, is sending a representative here to conduct an interview of us. He'll be here at lunch. Be here then, and DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID!"

"Gotcha, T," Jak said. "Well, I'm goin' to work."

"But, Jak, you work HERE," Torn said.

"No, my OTHER work."

"What...oh, no, not that again," Torn said. But as soon as he did, Jak was gone.

"Uh," Gordon said. "I gotta go. Hey, Torn, would you mind looking after sparky here while I go get some things from my house?"

"Who's Sparky," Torn asked.

"Him," Gordon replied, pointing to one of the headless-dog things. "Dr. K has so many pets it's too hard for him to keep track of them, so I have to watch some of them."

"Ar!" Sparky barked.

"Dr.K?" Torn asked.

"Dr. Kliener. You should meet him sometime; he's cool."

"Well, I guess I'll look after sparky," Torn said.

"Great, be right back," Gordon responded, leaving.

"Well," Torn said. "You don't look too hard to handle." He then pet Sparky.

"AR! ARRRRRRRRRRR(bzzzzzz)!"

"Uh..oh..." Torn said.

(Camera changes to outside of Underground)

"(BZZzZZZZZZZZzzZZ)GRAAAAAAAAAYYYAAAHHHHH! (Zap) EEEEEEEEEHEEEEE!"

(Meanwhile)

"COME ON DOWN TO JAK'S USED CAR SALE!"

Jak was attempting to open his own used car sale on top of a building in the slums.

"We got all the hottest deals! Just check out this new model," he announced, pointing to a car, which happened to be Torn's car, which was beat up from the ride there.

"Check out the twin fire engines, multi-shock front padding, jumbo cup holders, and extra-large glove compartment! Sales are going fast, so get down here today!"

Jak then smiled really big as Torn's car suddenly explodes in the background.

"Uh, cut," Jak said to Daxter, who was filming the commercial.

"Hopefully Torn won't know about this," Daxter said.

"Yeah, and speaking of which, it's almost noon. Gotta get back," Jak said, getting another car and rushing back.

Meanwhile, back in the water slums, a guy in a suit was getting lunch.

"I can't wait to meet this "Torn" guy," he exclaimed, pulling out of the parking lot and driving off.

Back to Jak, he was driving (full speed, I might add) when there was a call on his phone.

"Yeah," he said.

"Hey, it's Gordon. Can you come get me? I gotta go to the fortress to get my driver's license, and Lamarr has to be taken for a walk."

"Lamarr?"

"Another one of Izzy's pets."

"OK. I gotta hurry up, though, it's almost noon."

"Don't worry, it won't take long."

"OK," Jak said, and drove back to get Gordon, slamming into his house at full speed.

"Hey, Gordon," Jak said as Gordon opened the door.

"Al right, let's go," he said, but then his cell phone rang. "Yeah...yes, Izzy, I have Lamarr...Jak's here to take me...yes, in a car...yes, I know how antsy Lamarr gets in a car, but...yeah, but...don't worry, she'll be fine. OK, bye."

"Who was that?"

"Dr. K. Let's just go."

"Gotcha," Jak said, and drove away at full speed, while Lamarr stuck her face outside the car.

At the Fortress, Jak left Gordon while he drove away to the underground. Suddenly, he found himself speeding right towards a traffic jam, and slammed into it, blowing up all the people and cars in it.

Jak then woke up a few minutes later, and saw the insurance agent lying on the ground, unconscious. He panicked, grabbing the guys clothes and a zoomer, showing up at Torn's house.

"Oh, good, your here," Torn said. "Come in."

"So, you are...Torn, right," Jak said in an arab-like voice.

"You sounded a lot...different on the phone."

"Yeah, well the phone does that to your voice, don't it?"

"I guess. Well, I have the forms filled out, and I thought that we should discuss some rates."

"Yes, that would be..."

There was then another knock at the door.

"I'll get it. It's probably one of my employees, a little late," Torn said. However, when he answered the door, he saw the real insurance agent in just his underwear.

"Hey, sorry I'm late...Torn, is it? You'll never believe what happened to me. I was stuck in a traffic jam, and suddenly, all the cars just blew up, and I woke up about five minutes later in only this."

Jak was twitching in the background.

"Well, anyway, let's get to that policy, and...hey," he said when he saw Jak. "Those are my clothes!"

"Uh...I have...no idea what you talk about, sir, I...these are mine," Jak said in his Hindu voice.

The guy then ripped his clothes off to reveal Jak.

"Jak, what did you do," Torn asked.

"Well, I certainly didn't cause the accident, see him on the ground, panic, and disguise myself as him. That's just plain wrong!"

"You know this guy?"

"No, no, of course not," Torn said.

"Oh, Torn, don't be silly," Jak said. "I'm the reason he's looking for a new insurance agent. Oh, all the wrecks I've gotten into...good times, goooood tiiiiimes..."

The guy just looked at Torn angrily, and Jak suddenly realized what he said.

"Uh, bye," Jak said, dashing out of the underground.

"So, about that policy," Torn said shiftily. They guy just put his thumb down and walked out, driving away on Torn's last car.

(Zooms out to the entire city)

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!"

**Poor Torn. Review.**


	4. Tell me I'm Pretty

**Here's number four for you. This one gets a little strange, hence the title, But Jak is still very...consistent.**

Chapter 4: Tell Me I'm Pretty

After the guy left, Torn got so mad that he actually started crying. Torn then sniffled and wailed all the way to the Naughty Otsel, where he cried himself to sleep that night.

Then next day, Jak had to go and pick Torn up at the bar, and drive him home (since he didn't have a car or insurance).

Jak then, just like he did at the fortress, drove right through the doors, jolting Torn awake.

"WHO...WHAT...WHERE...WHEN...oh, it's YOU," Torn said as he saw Jak.

"Yep, it's a me, Jak," Jak said in an Italian accent. Torn just glared at him.

"Just take me home," Torn ordered.

"Can do," Jak said, and drove out of the bar.

Daxter then came out of the back room with no pants to see the hole that was the door.

"What is it, sweetie," Tess asked, who had a bed sheet around herself.

"Jak was here," he said, pointing to the hole.

"It's so obvious, isn't it," Tess said.

(Meanwhile)

Jak had left the bar, heading towards the main town entrance, but went past it, and got into the opposite lane.

"Uh, Jak, we missed the turn," Torn said.

"I know," Jak said, seeing a small zoomer in the horizon. He then floored it, heading right for the zoomer.

"Jak...what are you doing," Torn asked nervously.

"Nothin," Jak said, and got closer to the car.

"Jak, you're gonna hit it!"

"That's the point," Jak said, slamming into the car and destroying it.

"HEEEE!" Torn gasped.

"It's my mandatory lap around the port," he said, continuing on, slamming into every car he finds in the lane.

By the time Jak drove past the Naughty Otsel entrance again, Torn was hyperventilating like crazy.

"Breathe, man, breathe," Jak said.

"I...can't..." Torn wheezed. He then collapsed from lack of oxygen.

"Ooo," Jak said. He then dumped Torn out of the car, where he landed, still passed out. A guard then noticed him, and took him to the hospital.

Meanwhile, Keira was wandering around the bazaar shopping, when a horribly ugly girl with hillbilly clothes walked up to her.

"Haiy, miith," she said.

"Uh, can I help you," she asked.

"Wood eu laick to bee perdy laik mae?"

"Uh...no..."

"I'll a tek theat az e yea. Heer, hav this," she said, giving Keira a book and skipping/running/fritzing off like a spaz.

Keira looked at the book, which appeared to be no more that a normal notebook with brown construction paper and a horribly misspelled title reading: "hao tew bee perdy laik mee bai Jezzibelle McHeelBaillyPaynts. She walked away from it, but her natural curiosity that has been with her since she was five took over and she took the book, going home.

Later, Jak decided that he would go to the garage, because he hadn't seen Keira in a while.

Jak then, you guessed it, drove right through the garage entrance (read: consistent).

"Hi, honey," he said.

"I'm in the shower," she called. Jak then proceeded to wait for an hour before Keira finally got done.

"Finally, you're done," Jak said, his face directed away from Keira. "I still have no idea why you spend so much time in the...AAAAUUUUGHH!"

Jak had turned around to see Keira's eyes all red and puffy.

"What it dear blazes happened to you?"

"I was staring at the water."

"Did you fall asleep with your eyes open again? I thought we cured you of that habit..."

(Shows flashback of when they were kids; Keira had an annoying habit of falling asleep with her eyes open back then. They cured her by squeezing lemon juice into her eyes one night, and she's never did it since.)

"No, actually, I got this new book," she said, handing Jak the book she got earlier.

"I can barely even read this, which is surprising, because I can usually read even scribbles. This must be hillbilly writing."

"Well the girl that gave it to me DID appear to be a...LITTLE uneducated..."

Jak just gave her a stern look.

"OK, she WAS, but the book says that your eyes will be cuter if you stare at the water in the shower."

"Really?"

"Are they?"

"No."

"But...the book..."

"Books can lie to you."

"BOOKS NEVER LIE," Keira screamed, taking her book up to her room, crying.

"Geesh," Jak said, getting in his car and driving out in reverse, running over a pole, and an innocent civilian, whom the guards had to take to the hospital.

Meanwhile, at the Hospital, Torn had been released, but after walking home (the hospital is also in the KG fortress), and finding his bill of 50,000 orbs, he hyperventilated too much again, and passed out.

Jak then arrived there and didn't see Torn, because of the fact that he had run Torn over, already adding to him passing out from lack of oxygen. Strangely, though, running Torn over actually brought him back to consciousness, but when he woke up and went to sit up, he hit his head on the bottom of the car, which knocked him out again, where he fell asleep that night.

(the next day)

Jak decided it was time to go see Keira again. He got there, and saw Keira standing over buy the table.

"Hey, hon...EEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAEEEEAAAAHHHHHHH!!"

Keira had turned around to reveal a even uglier Keira than before. Her eyes were extremely infected, puffy, and black, her hair was all greasy and frizzy, her teeth were yellow and rotting, contributing to a horrid case of skunk breath, and she was wearing hillbilly clothes.

"Haiy, Jeeak," she said hillbillily.

"What happened to you?"

"Ai'm purrdy!"

"No you aren't! You ugly!"

"Ai PURDY! TELL MEE AI'M PURRDY!!"

Keira then suddenly began to grow claws, horns, wings, and five times her size.

"eeep."

She then turned into a Dragon, and began chasing Jak all around the city.

"**TEELLLL ME I'M PRETTTYYYYY!**"

"What could have caused this?"

(shows Keira putting on perfume; the side effect was turning into a dragon when getting angry)

"THE BOOK," Jak yelled, suddenly running back to the garage, where he found the hillbilly book. He then quickly snatched it, just as Keira had busted through the roof. Jak ran out, grabbing a car and heading for the underground.

Meanwhile, at the Underground, Torn had just woken up, and had just gotten inside, when there was a 'smash'. Torn looked around to see that Jak had driven into the underground, and was heading right for the furnace.

"No time to explain," Jak said as he opened the furnace door.

"Hey, man, do you mind," Gordon said from inside the furnace, apparently trying to tan.

"Sorry," Jak said, and threw the book into the furnace, the book melting in seconds. There was a sudden "thump", as Jak went too look outside, seeing Keira lying on the ground, not a dragon anymore, and back to normal.

"Phew," Jak said.

Jak then suddenly woke up at the underground.

"What the," he said. "Gordon, what happened?"

"You fell asleep two hours ago when you got back from taking Torn to the hospital."

"Weird. I just had the strangest dream."

Jak then told Gordon his dream. Gordon than said that his dream actually happened an hour ago, but instead of Jak, is was Torn, and instead of Keira, it was Ashelin.

"Did he throw the book into the furnace?"

"Nope. And he's at the Palace now being forced to tell Ashelin she's pretty."

"Well, I'd better go save him," Jak said, going.

Suddenly, Torn woke up in the Naughty Otsel.

"Uugh, what happened..." he said groggily. "I just had the creepiest dream..."

"He then looked outside, and saw Jak being chased by a dragon (which was Keira).

Torn then wandered over to the spot he was just in and fell back asleep.

Keira then suddenly woke up, the previous instance having been her dream. She then suddenly realized...she wasn't in her own bed.

"Hey, baby doll," someone said beside her. She looked over and it was...

"Ashelin? What am I doing here?"

"What do you mean? We've been married for two years! Kiss me!"

Keira then cringed and screamed...

Ashelin then woke up from her dream, but realized that she also wasn't in her own bed. She then felt this mass of flab beside her, which was...

"Hey, sugar lump!"

It was Praxis.

"Daddy...what am I..."

"You had a bad dream earlier, so you came here."

"That's..." she started, but looked down to see she was wearing the same yakkow pajamas she had when she was four, but only to fit her 24-year-old body.

Ashelin screamed.

Praxis then woke up, only to see than Erol was in his bed.

Both of them screamed.

Then Erol woke up, but in Jak's bed.

"Cool," he said.

Jak then woke up, but in Torn's bed.

"Eeew," Jak said, responding to the fact that torn was wearing a pink nightgown and slippers.

Torn then woke up, back at the TNO, before the story had even started.

"Weird," he said, just as Jak drove through the door. Little did he know, though, that his dream (and everyone else's) was about to actually happen...

**Yeah, the last page or so was really just some filler, because I couldn't think of how to end it, and I just had all these chain dreams in my head. Some of these, as you may have guessed, were nightmares. Just imagine Torn telling Ashelin she's pretty...And Torn wearing a pink nightgown and slippers...eeegh...Review.**


	5. McSpanky's

**This one will get weird. It's not as funny as before, but It's still worth it.**

Chapter 5: McSpanky's Restaurant

Jak was driving around aimlessly one sunny Tuesday morning, trying to rid himself of the memories of the horrible day before.

"Can't believe Keira bought something from a hillbilly," he said. His stomach then suddenly rumbled.

"Wow, all this aimless driving's made me hungry."

Just as he said that, an ad came over the radio:

"_Hungry? Want the most delicious, cheesy, saucy, greasy, melty, meaty burger this side of the country? Come on down to McSpanky's Burger Hut today! New location now open in Haven City, and the first 20 customers get a 50% discount!"_

"Saddle me up," Jak said, driving there. He soon arrived, but arrived to the sight of KG cruisers lined up as far back as the entrance to the water slums. "This could be a while. Hey, I'll just go inside!"

Unfortunately, when Jak went to go inside, the line was backed up to in front of Gordon's house.

"Oh, man, now I won't get that 50% discount," Jak said. Torn had happened to walk by as he said that with a "McSpanky's" Bag in his hands.

"Torn? When did you get here," Jak asked.

"This place has been open for two months, Jak; I get here around ten to beat the lunch rush."

"Wow. What's the food like?"

"It's...It's...like eating a cloud from heaven," Torn said.

Jak smiled wide.

"It's like eating God."

Jak smiled even bigger.

"It's saucy...cheesy, beefy, greasy, the best hamburger you'd ever have in your life!"

Jak's smile got bigger with every word, until he just couldn't smile anymore.

"And, don't worry, we have the "underground" discount. It's better then the store discount."

Gordon then suddenly came out of his house, overhearing the "McSpanky's" conversation.

"Are you guys talking about McSpanky's?"

"Why?"

"No reason," he said. (shows clip of his bedroom; McSpanky's merchandise is in every corner of the room).

"Anyway, Jak, just one more thing; whatever you do, don't get the "Hispanky"."

"What's a "Hispanky"?"

"The most addictive burger ever. Remember last week when I was always in a panic? I had a Hispanky, and I couldn't avoid getting addicted to it; and it made me fat! I eventually stopped...and..."

"Then why is there a "Hispanky" wrapper in your hand," Gordon asked.

"Um, well, I, uh..." Torn mumbled, then just began to slowly step away, before running back to the Underground.

"Guess he hasn't kicked the habit yet," Gordon said.

Jak then realized that the gigantic line had disappeared.

"Wow, time flies," he said.

"It's only been five minutes," Gordon said. Jak then ran to the restaurant, seeing no one was there.

Once he got inside, he saw what looked like the inside of a normal fast-food restaurant.

"Sir, Can I help you," the cashier asked him.

"Uh..."

"Would you like to try our new "Hispanky"?"

"Uh..."

"_What was it that Torn said about the hispanky..."_

"Sir?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry, I'm trying to remember something my boss, Torn, told me about the Hispanky."

"Torn? He's one of our favorite customers!"

"So then the Hispanky must be good. Give me five of them, and..."

The entire store suddenly gasped and turned around.

"What," Jak asked.

"Dude, the Hispanky's like...the most addictive thing on the planet. Once you're Hispankified, you can't go back..." one customer said with a small little dance move.

Jak then suddenly began to order more again. "And I'll have...a number 2, four #5's, a #6, two #1's, 5#7's, a number 4, and 2 spanky-sized Hillgrass's. Oh, and a #10."

"That'll be....$38."

Jak then showed him his "underground" card.

"Oh, sorry, that'll be...3 cents."

"Whoa. That IS better than the store discount."

"Sure is, and, between you and me, they have a McSpanky's at the KG fortress, and they have to pay like, $100 for a burger over there."

"Yikes. Glad I don't work there."

"Hope you don't, either, sir. Here's your order, then."

Jak then walked out and began to eat his food. He then passed a guard.

"M....Hispanky," he asked with a mouthful of food, small chunks of un-chewed food hitting the guard's face, as he offered him a Hispanky.

"No way, man, those things are addictive. And they make you really fat."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Jak said.

(30 seconds later)

Jak was then suddenly really fat, and scraping the bag for more hispankys, after he had already eaten all five of the ones he ordered.

"I...I..." he began. "I...NEEEEED MORE HISPANKYS!!!!"

He then grabbed a zoomer, and drove back to the restaurant, his weight barely being held up by the car.

"Welcome to McSpanky's," the Drive-thru Girl said. "How may we spank your order?"

"10,000 HISPANKYS!!!"

"Sorry, Sir, but we discontinued the Hispanky because of the addiction problems."

"WHAT!?"

"Sir, you're obnoxiously fat! I can't believe you're still able to keep that car floating."

"I'm not fat," Jak said. His weight then suddenly overtook the car briefly, and it fell down into the water. After five minutes, he was finally able to get out of the water and onto the deck. He then slowly walked to the entrance, sweating profusely, and shoving the entire door down with his fatness.

"HHHIIIISSSPPAAAANNNNKKKKYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!" Jak yelled. The employees began to scream and hide as Jak slowly (and I mean VERY slowly) began to make his way up to the counter, his fat running over anything and everything in his way.

"I told you Hank put too much addicticin in his sauce," one of the employees said as Jak suddenly was at the counter, and busted it down like it was building blocks. He then went into the kitchen, where he saw the lone cook who was making burgers with his Ipod on, completely unaware of the mass of flab that was Jak coming up behind him.

"Dude, like, can I help you, man," he said in a surfer accent.

"HIISPANKYYY!" Jak sloshed.

"Like, dude, I don't make those anymore. Boss's orders, man. You can, like, see over there," the cook said. Jak looked over at the completed burgers rack, and the Hispanky rack was empty.

Jak then gasped really loudly and high-pitched, then suddenly got really angry again, and turned into Giant Dark Jak, who was also obnoxiously fat, busting out of the restaurant and leaving a huge hole in the front. He then soon began a rampage throughout the city.

"Whoa," he said.

Meanwhile, at the palace, Praxis had just sat down after a busy day of Baroning. This included eating McSpanky's, chasing Veger around the palace with a salad fork because he had the last pudding snack pack, prank-calling Torn, and scrambling the guards for no reason. However, just as he had gotten comfortable, Erol barged in.

"Sir, we have a problem," Erol said nervously.

"It's always problems with you, commander," Praxis said. "Can't you just say hi for once?"

"It's Jak, sir. He's rampaging around the city."

"Eh, what else is new," the baron said, uninterested.

"He wants hispankies."

"Well, give him some!"

"But...sir...the factory stopped making them."

"WHAT?" Praxis then got up. "I can't let this happen! To the Baronmobile!"

He then pressed a button which caused another section of the wall to open up, revealing an elevator. He then grabbed Erol and ran into it.

(Shows clip of the two in the elevator, a catchy jazz tune was playing)

The elevator soon got to the basement, which had lots of Praxis's prized cars (a forklift, a 1955 Corvette, and some others).

"Now, which one," he said. "Ah, here we are."

Praxis walked over to a small black utility van that was almost an inch shorter than he was.

"Why this," Erol asked.

"Patience, Earl," the Baron said. He then crawled inside, in which the seat could barely take his size, and had Erol sit next to him. He then started it, which took about four attempts to get started, before it came to life. He then revved it a few times, and drove out of the palace through a back door, running over a guard in the process.

Back at the restaurant, the employees were trying to figure out a way to get Jak back to normal.

"Guys, I got it," one said. "I've been saving this ever since the intro of the "hispanky". It's a antidote to the "addicticin"."

"Why do you say that now," another asked.

"Because it wasn't as bad as now. Anyway, we just have to make one more hispanky, but put this on it instead of the original sauce. It should cure him right up!"

"It's brilliant! Fejj," one said to the cook. "One Hispanky to go!"

"Sure, dudes," he said.

Meanwhile, Fat Dark Jak was somewhere in the slums, since his fatness was keeping him from going anywhere. Guards were trying to bring him down, but he was too much, mostly because of the fat.

"Hooh, hooh, ooh," he panted, running. "Ah...hang, hang on a minute," he said suddedly.

The guards then suddenly stopped. "What," one asked.

"I...I gotta rest for a second. Whew, this is too much for me. Ugh."

Just as he said that, a McSpanky's Truck pulled up into the scene.

"Remember the plan," an employee said.

"Yep."

A cannon suddenly came out of the top of the truck, an employee sitting in a chair on the top.

"Hey, sir," one yelled through a speaker. Jak suddenly looked over.

"Uuh," he asked.

At this same time, the baron had been able to speed all the way to the scene.

"There he is," Praxis said.

"Oh, we're too late," Erol said, bored. He really wanted to get home so he can stare at his wall poster of Jak...

"Maybe not," the baron said. He then accidentally hit the eject button, the roof opening and the Baron being catapulted right towards Jak.

At the same instant, however, this is when the employee had fired the cooked hispanky at Jak. As soon as Jak went to catch it in his mouth, however, the Baron had suddenly crossed paths with the burger, and instead of landing in Jak's mouth, it hit the Baron in the face.

Praxis then hit the side of a building, sliding down.

"Baron Down," one guard yelled. "I repeat, the Baron IS DOWN!"

As the guards rushed to his aid, he said: "Can't let...hispanky...stay...gone..."

"Now what," one of the employees in the van asked.

"Dudes," the cook said, pulling out another burger. "Rule one of restaurant cooking: always be prepared."

"You're a genius, Fejj," one said. Fejj then got out of the truck, walked over to the massive Fat Blob that was Jak, and climbed up him, putting the burger into this mouth. Jak recognized the sweet taste, and he suddenly returned to normal.

"What's going on out here," a voice asked. Everyone turned to see Torn walking up to the mess (Ironically, this all happened right next to the Underground).

"Nothing," Jak said. Torn looked at the McSpanky's van, Praxis (who had miraculously stood up), all the guards, and the "Baronmobile", which had just now rolled to a stop on the scene, courtesy of Erol. Torn then suddenly figured it out.

"Jak...did you eat a hispanky," Torn asked.

"Um..NO...maybe...just a bite..." Jak stuttered.

"What did I tell you about them? They make you extremely fat, and you get addicted to them."

"Then why is there one in your hand," Praxis asked. Yes, Torn was, indeed, holding a Hispanky in his hand.

"Uh...Well, it's certainly not MINE," he responded.

"Why does it have the name 'Torn' on the package," Jak asked.

"I...uh..."

Torn then suddenly lost it, devouring his sandwich, laughing crazily, and running back into the Underground.

"You wouldn't happen to have made any more," one of the employees asked Fejj.

"About...98 more.." he said.

"Hey, let's all go to the Underground and have a Hispanky party," Jak said. Everyone cheered, and ran to the underground.

At the Underground, Torn had suddenly returned to normal, and was about to go back outside, when...

Bam! The door suddenly busted open, and several hundred people with hispankies came dashing in, partying. Torn was run over in the process.

"Hey, Torn," Gordon said, who was wearing a lamp shade.

"What are you all doing in my house!?"

"Hispanky party!" Jak said. "Come on, have one!"

"NO, I'm done with those!"

"But they're addicicin free!"

"Well...maybe just a bite..." Torn then sniffed one, took a bite, and then suddenly scarfed the whole thing down.

"Uh, dude," Jak said to Fejj. "You sure they were all addicticin-free?"

"I think so, dude...wait, no, I think only one wasn't. I ran out of the antidote. Why?"

There was then a sudden "Crash!", and everyone in the room looked to see a massive hole where the entrance was, crazy laughs soon following.

"No reason," Jak said.

A guard then rushed in.

"Sir," he said to Praxis. "An obnoxiously fat Torn is going on a rampage through the city. He's craving a 'hispanky'."

"To the Baronmobile!" Praxis announced, and hopped back into his van (which had mysteriously appeared inside the Underground), and sped off, creating an even bigger hole than that of which Torn had left.

"We'd...better get back to the restaurant," Jak said.

"Yeah, good thinking," Fejj said.

**Yeah, not as funny, but It's still good. Actually, it's the longest one so far. I intentionally called Erol "Earl" for the sake of the humor. Got a good one after this...let's just say Jak's about to meet his "Biggest Fan".**


	6. Kakukakakika

Chapter 5: Kakukakakika

Though the employees were able to return him to normal, Torn had to stay at the Fortress's "Addictions Anonymous" program for a week, courtesy of the Baron, because of the incident. Torn repeatedly denied he was addicted to the burger, but after being given even an image of it, the doctors figured he had to be put in the "special" section of the program.

Torn was then locked in a spongy room for two weeks, denied any free time, and the only way of getting out was if he had to go to the bathroom. The first week was torture, as he was literally bouncing off the plushy padded walls, craving hispankies. But, he soon got over his addiction, and graduated a week later.

Torn arrived into his house the following day, happy that he was no longer addicted to McSpanky's and the horrid "hispanky". However, that joy was suddenly turned to speechlessness, as he arrived to the sight of a mess of printers and presses inside of his wonderful house. And yes, it also involved Jak. No surprise there.

"JAK!" Torn yelled to what appeared to be no one, since there was no one in the room at the time.

"What," Jak asked as he came from the back room.

"What are you doing this time," Torn asked angrily.

"I'm writing a book. A biography, to be exact. Actually, it's almost done; I've been working on it since you went into rehab. How was that, by the way?"

"I don't wanna talk about it. And, Jak, you're 18: you're not even old enough to have a biography."

"Think of it as a 'life story', then."

"You're not old enough to have that, either."

"Says who," Jak asked childishly.

"I'm not going there. I've got to go shopping. I want all of this stuff out of here when I get back."

"You ain't the boss of me," Jak said, again, childishly.

"Actually, you work for me, so I am," Torn returned.

"You ruin everything!" Jak yelled, throwing a cup at Torn like an enraged teen, stomping off to the back room.

"Whatever," Torn said, leaving.

"Is he gone," Jak suddenly asked to Gordon, who was in the furnace.

"Yep," he said.

"Good." Jak paused. "Hey, wait, how can you even survive in there?"

"This suit."

"Oh. It's very...you."

"Well, it's standard issue from where I was at, but, I guess."

"Anyway, let's get thing thing printed," Jak said.

Hours later, at the store, Torn had just finished his shopping, and as he was about to exit, he suddenly saw something very disturbing...

"What the hell," he said, before picking up a blue book with the title: "...And I'm OK". He suddenly gasped at who the author was.

(Camera changes to outside of store)

"JJJAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!"

(At the Underground)

"Uh, I think Torn found out," Gordon said.

"Ah, he'll be fine with it," Jak said. "I think he'll also be fine that I put all the expenses under his account name."

"You did what!?"

"Ah, don't worry, he won't mind," Jak said, completely oblivious as to what has happened before with Torn's money...

The next day, Torn was at the Haven Library searching for random books to add to his collection of random books that he'll never read, when he suddenly spotted something that, well...

"Step right up folks, and have your new copy of '...And I'm OK' signed by yours truly himself!"

Yes, it was Jak, and he was holding a book signing at the city's most popular bookstore. And, to Torn's surprise, there was an actual line in front of his booth; also to his surprise, the line was huge.

"Jak, what are you doing," Torn asked.

"Oh, heya, T-man. Look at this, I have so many fans. And you said no one would buy this book."

"I never said that."

"Riiiiiight," Jak said, giving him the "wink and shoot" look. "NEXT!"

As he said that, he suddenly heard really really hard, long breathing. He looked up to see the creepiest and weirdest-looking girl he'd ever seen in his life. She had really, really huge ears, big buck teeth, and hillbilly clothes.

"Uh...can I sign your book," Jak asked.

"Haaaaaiiyy, Jaaaaaaak." She said dreamily.

"Uh, hi," he said. "Can I sign your book or no?"

"Sure, Jak..." she said. She put it in the desk. He signed it, and she shrieked, and skipped off.

"Weird," he said.

Later that night, Jak had finished his book signing.

"Well, that's the last of 'em. Gordon, can you clean up for a bit; I'm going to the bathroom."

"Sure," he said.

A few minutes later, Jak had returned from the bathroom.

"Well, we'd better get goin'," he said.

"I still can't believe all those people actually bought your book. Why?

"Learn to improvise," Jak said. "And I also took a page from Daxter's book and did a little 'tall-tale telling'."

"That's my boy," Daxter said.

"You can't really LIE in a biography," Gordon said.

"Well, they don't know, right?"

"But people who know you would."

"It's not like I'm gonna get sued."

"Well, actually," Gordon said, but as soon as he did, Jak was already out the door.

As Jak wandered the streets back to the Underground, he got the feeling he was being followed. He looked back, and there wasn't anyone there. He continued walking with that strange feeling, before finally turning to see the same girl he'd seen in the library.

"Hiiii, Jaaak," she said.

"Who ARE you, and why are you following me," Jak asked.

"I'm Kakukakakika, and..."

"Run that by me again."

"Ka...ku...ka...ka...ki...ka."

"Gotcha."

"I'm your biggest fan."

"I've heard that one before."

"No really, I am," She said, pulling out pictures. "I have all your merchandise, and even stuff that hasn't hit stores yet!"

"Do you have...this," Jak asked, pulling out a "Jak" Trading card.

"All five of them."

"Uh...this," Jak continued, pulling out a cardboard cutout of himself.

"Yep," Kakukakakika said.

Jak then proceeded to pull out several more items, including a bowling ball, pack of playing cards, pair of shoes, lunch box, guitar, steering wheel cover, trash can, clock, breakfast cereal, sports drink, basketball, inflatable chair, sleeping bag, and bed set, all with his face on it.

"I have all of those things."

"You're good. OK, how about...this," Jak said, pulling out a plush toy resembling Daxter. "An anatomically correct, full-posing talking super-cuddly Daxter plush with sticky grip, and removable goggles and pants!"

"Eh, I hate Daxter."

"What," Daxter, who had suddenly appeared, said.

"Daxter was cool when he was normal, but now he's not cool after being a little mousy."

"Yeah, Jak, whaaz up wit' 'dat," Daxter asked in a gangster tone.

"Word, yo," said Tess, who had suddenly waked by. Jak just stared at both her and Daxter oddly.

"He's not a mouse, he's an Otsel."

"I don't care! I LOVE YOU JAK!!! MARRY ME!" Kakukakakika said suddenly. "Oh, and this is my dog, Kakika."

She held up a small dog with a really big feet.

"We have the same soul," it said.

"Why does your dog have big feet," Jak asked.

"My uncle was experimenting on it."

"You..."

"And this is Kakuka, my cat."

she pulled out a cat with a really big head.

"What the..."

"Yes, it IS weird," Kakuka said suddenly.

"I'm going now," Jak said, and began to run away.

"OH NO YOU DON'T," Kakukakakika yelled suddenly, and began running, flying off somehow, using her huge ears as wings.

Jak had made it all the way back to the Underground some time later, where Torn was waiting.

"Torn," Jak said as he came in. "There's a creepy girl from the book signing chasing me! HIDE ME!"

"You're kidding," Torn said. There was suddenly a knock at the door. Jak dove into the furnace at the last second.

"Yeah," Torn said, answering the door.

"WHERE'S JAK," Kakukakakika said in a scary voice.

"In there," he said. She looked and he wasn't there. "Probably hiding in the furnace." She the suddenly disappeared.

"What the..." Torn asked, before he heard a sudden high-pitched scream, followed by Jak bursting out of the furnace, knocking the door off its hinges, and running off to Gordon's house.

"GET BACK HERE," Kakukakakika yelled, flying after him. Torn just shrugged and went back to his desk.

(At The slums)

Jak was driving full speed away from the Underground with Kakukakakika right behind him. She was just now beginning to shoot Jak's car down with her Jak-brand BB gun.

"Why did I make my BB guns so powerful," Jak wondered. He was coming up on Gordon's house, where the car was about to fail. He then crashed it into the side of his house, swimming over and grabbing Gordon's car.

"Hi Gordon," Jak waved, seeing Gordon in the window, shaving. Gordon waved slightly, as Jak screeched, and sped off, just as Kakukakakika shot at him, which missed and went through the window and hit Gordon, causing him to cut himself with the razor.

"Damn it, and I was on my 50th consecutive shave without doing that. That would've been a new personal best! Oh well," he said, and went back to shaving.

(Meanwhile)

"Welcome to McSpanky's, how may we spank your order?"

Yes, Jak had stopped mid-chase and was ordering food from McSpanky's while Kakukkakakika was impatiently waiting behind him.

"Yeah, I'll have...4#4's, a number 10, four number 6's, two number 2's, a number 5, another number two, a number 1...make that two number ones, extra pickles, a number 7, no onions, another number 7 with extra onions, a number 9, a number 11 with extra dip, and...Ka, you want anything?"

"Just hurry up," she said.

"OK, that's it."

"Your total is 3 cents. Please spank forward."

a hand then suddenly came out of nowhere and 'spanked' Jak's car ahead, along with Kakukakakika, who was spanked hard enough as to where she flew into a building across from them.

Jak pulled out later, and began eating. Kakukakakika also resumed shooting at him, but missed and hit a guard in the eye, poking it out.

"OW! Now I see why mom didn't want me playing with those things when I was little," he said.

Jak then drove by Gordon's house again, as Kakikakakuka shot at him again, missing again and this time going through Gordon's window again, hitting the mirror and breaking, once again causing him to cut himself.

"EH! I have GOT to stop shaving during Jak's shenanigans from now on," he said.

(Meanwhile)

Jak had somehow lost Kakukakakika, and was headed to the race garage.

"Glad that's over," Jak said. How wrong he was.

He crashed into the poles and went inside, seeing no one there. He put his non-eaten food in a 'secret stash', and drove away back to the Underground. However, once he got there, Kakukakakika was right there waiting for him.

"Oh, come on," Jak said. "If I can find someone cooler than me, will you stop chasing me?"

"No one's cooler than you," she said.

"Well...what about Torn," Jak said as Torn was walking out. "I mean, look at him, he's got cool written all over him!"

Torn gave a heroic pose and smiled.

"Torn's a dork!"

"WHAT?!"

"You don't even know what a fork is!"

"Do to," Torn bragged.

"Show me one!"

"Uh..." Torn stuttered, then ran inside and came out with...

"A FORK!"

"That's a cup."

"I..eh..." Torn then started to whine and ran away crying.

"Well, how about Sig," Jak said, holding a picture of Sig up. "He fights Metal Heads, so he's gotta be cool!"

"Anyone who's ever slept with a stuffed bear while being a waste lander is a weirdo."

"Well...Damas...."

"He's dead!"

"Uh, I'm right here," Damas said, who had suddenly wandered mysteriously into the area.

"GHOST!!!" Jak yelled.

"What are you talking about, son?"

"Take this," Jak yelled again, grabbing Kakukakakika and chucking her at him. Damas grabbed her and stuffed her into a cannon, shooting her off into the distance.

"Hey, thanks," Jak commented. "Now then...DUEL ME!" Jak pulled out a bunch of trading cards with a bunch of characters from their world.

Damas pulled another pack out of nowhere. "GO TIME!"

(Meanwhile)

Kakukakakika had somehow flew into the Metal Head nest, where she wouldn't stop repeating her name. The Metal Heads got so sick of her that they fired her from a cannon high into space, where she landed in the dark maker ship. They put her in a sound-proof glass canister for a few hours, and when they returned, she was bouncing off the walls, and had somehow managed to write 'Jak' all over the walls, as well as draw pictures of him.

The Dark Makers where also sick of her, and shot her back down to earth, right in front of Damas and Jak.

"I'm back, honey," she said. She then noticed no one was paying attention, but were too locked into their card match.

"I play my Super Praxis card with +4 extra damage, and +6 shield because of his flab ability! Take that, Papa!"

"I play super awesome Damas Man," Damas said, pulling out a card with him on it, but his picture had him with a longer cape, a helmet, and a D on his armor. "His super awesome staff gives me +543 damage and kicks yo' can to the curb! I win, sonney!"

"Agh! So...what do you win?"

"I....don't know. See you later, then," Damas said, wandering off.

"I can't believe my Dad beat me in cards," Jak said. He looked over to see Kakukakakika standing there impatiently.

"What?"

"Can we finish?"

"Don't you have any friends to hang out with?"

"Not really...no one will talk to me because of my Jak obsession."

"How'd you get all my stuff, then," Jak asked.

"Uncle."

"Do you have a job?"

"No..."

"Hm...I think I know a good place for you," Jak said. They walked to the Baron's palace.

"What are we doing here," she asked.

"Getting you a job," Jak said. He walked into the elevator, and to the receptionist.

"Yeah," she said. It was Ashelin.

"Ashelin, why are you..."

"Because my father scared off the old one."

"Can I see your dad?"

"Well, he's doing 'Baron' things, but I guess," Ashelin said, an hit the com.

"Dad, Jak is here to see you," Ashelin said. There was a sudden SMASH, and Praxis came thundering down the halls.

"Jak, ma boy," Praxis said cheerfully, grabbing Jak in a death-man-hug. "What're ya doing up here?"

"Uh, I was looking for a job for a friend," Jak said, pointing to Kakukakakika.

"Hm...Well, I do need an extra had to do my 'paperwork'," he said. "What can you do?"

"Pretty much anything," she said.

"You're hired," Praxis said, dragging Kakkukakakika off to the very top of the tower.

"What's his 'paperwork', anyway," Jak asked.

"Well," Ashelin said. "Trust me, it's better you don't know."

(Meanwhile)

"Well, here's your office," Praxis said. "And here's the...'paperwork'."

He then pulled several things out of a cabinet.

"These are..." Kakukakakika began, glancing at all the papers. "Bills!? Overdue Tax Returns?! BUDGET DEFICIT FORMS!!!????"

"Yep, see, I've been so busy...well, good luck. I'll be checking on you every few days. And, if your hungry, there's some TV dinners in that freezer there."

"But there's no Microwave up here!"

"I'll, or, You'll, get right on that."

"JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!"

"Did I mention you get paid triple what even Erol does?"

"NEVER MIND!"

"Hey, I heard that," Erol shouted from his bedroom window.

"Pipe down or I'll get the box," Praxis yelled.

"EH! NOT THE BOX! I'VE ALREADY FACED IT'S HORRID DARKNESS BEFORE!"

"Good, now go polish the bathroom!"

"Yes, sir!" Erol said, whimpering off, still muttering about boxes...

**That was fairly long, too. **


	7. Forest Life

Chapter 7: Forest Life

The Kakukakakika incident had left Jak a little stunned, and he decided it was time to take a vacation.

"Honey," Jak said as he got to the garage the next day, calling for Keira.

"What, I'm in the shower," she yelled back.

"You'd better not be staring at the water again," Jak said. "Remember what happened last time?"

There was silence.

"Anyway, when you get out, pack up because we're going on vacation!"

"Is this going to be like the last vacation you took me on? When we stayed in Damas's palace for the weekend?"

"What was so bad about that," Jak asked.

"It smelled like dirty socks in that room, and worse is that he wanted to spend too much 'quality time' with you."

"He is my dad...I thought it would be fun."

"You barely even talked to me!"

"You never said anything!"

"That's because I was trying not to breathe in the sock smell!"

"It didn't bother me!"

"You had on a mask!"

"Eh...erh...fine. But this is going to be better!"

"I'll believe that when I see it."

"Meet me outside," Jak said, getting out to go to the underground to inform Torn.

(At the underground)

"Torn," Jak asked when he walked inside the underground.

"Jak, glad you're here," Torn responded.

"Wait, you're GLAD I'm here? WHO ARE YOU!?"

"I meant that I found you. I'm giving you pumping station duty."

"Sorry, big T, but I'm goin' on vacation!"

"Is it like the last vacation you went on with Damas and..."

"No, it's different. And I'll be gone all week."

"Today's Thursday."

"Until next Thursday, then."

"You get a cool office in the pumping station," Torn said.

"Sorry. Gotta go," Jak said.

"It has a McSpanky's," Torn said, knowing how much Jak liked the restaurant.

"Well, maybe I could postpone the vacation for a day or so..."

"Great, you're shift starts in five minutes."

Torn looked over to see the room empty, the door just closing.

"Not that it takes him that long to get there," Torn said to himself.

(Back at the garage)

Keira was waiting impatiently for Jak at the stadium steps, bags of luggage piled up in her hands and to her sides.

"Where is he," Keira asked herself. "I've been waiting for almost a minute!"

There was a sudden smash and a bunch of sudden explosions and car alarms, Keira looking through a small break in her luggage cases to see that Jak had caused a huge pileup in front of her.

"Hey, Keira," Jak called, unaware of what he'd just caused.

"There you are," Keira said as Jak got into another car parked conveniently beside the wreck, driving it up the steps.

"What's with all the luggage?"

"Essentials," Keira said as Jak began to rummage throughout her bags.

"Haven Soap Digest Weekly, Super Fashion Monthly, The Daily Rant? You call these essentials?"

"I can't live without knowing what happened in my stories! And the latest shoe design! And the opinion columns!"

"We won't have any of those things where we're going!"

"Where are we going?"

"Back to civilization," Jak responded, grabbing Keira and starting the car.

"MY STORIES!"

"Nonsense! TALLY-HO! But first..."

(At McSpanky's)

"Jak, you know I hate this place," Keira said.

"And four number 6's, and..." Jak continued, not paying any attention. "You want anything?"

"No, I hate fast food! It makes me fat! I hate being fat! Do you think I'm fat? I'm fat, aren't I," Keira rambled, poking her belly.

"And...that'll be it," Jak finished, once again paying no attention.

(At "Civilization")

"THE FOREST!?"

"Yes. We must go back to our roots," Jak responded as he took Keira with him to the forest entrance, passing some of the local fruit gardens. "But first, you must be educated."

Jak parked at the forest ramp, then went over to the fruit patches.

"Behold, the bamboya," Jak said, pointing to a tall green plant with a large root at the end. "The best-tasting of them all."

"I've heard of all of these," Keira responded.

"SILENCE! The leaves are the best. The root, however, is very poisonous. The stem is OK, but it can give you really bad gas if you eat too much of it."

Keira rolled her eyes as Jak went on.

"Then we have the pupanga. Very good for a side dish. Real nutty flavor. Then there's the Watanga," Jak said, going from a round orange plant to a tall blue plant. "Very cooling, especially the juice from inside."

"What's the purpose of all this," Keira asked, as they came to the last plant, a vine with red things on it.

"Finally," Jak said, paying no attention to her. "The Hospanga. Very spicy and hot, but also can get very addicting. One of the few foods with naturally occurring addicticin in it. Now, to the forest!"

Jak grabbed a bamboya leaf before taking Keira into the forest.

(At the forest)

"(sniiiiiff) aaah," Samos said to himself as he meditated by the big tree. "Alone for the first time in quite a while. So peaceful...so...(CRASHHHH)"

Samos looked over to see that Jak had somehow been able to get the car through the City's security walls, although it was now stuck there.

"Well, there goes my five seconds of alone time," Samos said.

"Ahoy, mates," Jak said comically. Samos just shook his head as Jak grabbed what seemed like one surviving suitcase and went over to the tree.

"Hi, dad," Keira said nervously.

"Honey, you know I need my alone time now and again," Samos said.

"We're on vacation," Jak said, opening the suitcase.

"Is it going to be like that last vacation you went on?"

"No, it'll be better," Jak said, as he pulled out some sleeping bags and a few weighted inflatable tents.

"How did you fit all of that into one case," Keira asked as Jak pulled out some pillows, a few lanterns, two TV sets, a satellite dish, two mini-fridges, and a generator.

"It took some practice," Jak said, as he set up everything. They soon had a perfectly good camp site up and running.

"What if I have to go to the bathroom," Keira asked.

"Outhouse," Samos responded.

(Shows outhouse, banjo music plays)

"Outhouse (banjo music) !?"

"Yep."

"I don't use those. I don't even use the portable ones at the ball games!"

"Well, unless you wanna go in the woods, which your dad wouldn't like, you use this, since it's all that's out here."

"And you planned this," Samos asked.

"Kind of. It was a...last minute thing."

"It took you a minute to plan all this, and pack all these things?"

"This stuff I've already had packed in advance just in case," Jak said. His stomach then growled. "I'm hungry."

"You just ate McSpanky's before we got here," Keira said. Her stomach then growled. "I'm the one that should be hungry. What do you have?"

"Nothing."

"WHAT?"

"Today, we hunt for food. The manly way," Jak proclaimed, taking Samos's walking stick and going down to the lake.

"Jak, come back here with that," Samos yelled.

"I'll be right back with the catch," Jak called back. In a short time, he was back, samos's stick was full of fish.

"Egh," Samos commented as Jak plucked all the fish off the stick. He then tossed it back to the green man, who tried to pick it up with just two fingers.

"Now, to the feast," He said, putting the fish on Marshmallow sticks, cooking them over the fire.

"Just make sure you don't eat the red fish," Samos said. "You know what they do to you."

"Nonsense," Jak responded as he stuck a red fish onto his stick. Keira was having trouble even putting the still-wiggling fish in the fire as Jak bit into the side of his fish.

"What're you afraid of," He asked with a mouthful of fish, small bits flying out his mouth and landing on Keira's face. "It's pretty much dead anyway."

"It's a little...icky," Keira said. Jak sighed and went over to a small station, and within about ten minutes, had all the fish de-scaled, beheaded, gutted, and seasoned.

"Happy," he asked. Keira took one and poked her stick through the fish, putting it into the fire.

Within a few minutes, both were full; Jak put the rest in a cooler.

"Go check out the tent," Jak said to Keira. She went in, and saw the sleeping bag in a pre-made spot with a pillow, along with a TV and Mini-fridge with water and other beverages in it. She squeaked and ran inside.

Jak was about to go into his tent when unfortunately, he felt his stomach gurgling fiercely.

"Uh...oh...guess Samos was right about the fish," Jak said, then took off.

"OUTHOUSE!" (banjo music plays)

(10 hours later)

Jak emerged victorious over the fish, walking back to the campsite.

"Jak, I told you about the fish," Samos said.

"I know, I should've..." Jak began, but the same familiar gurgling noise happened again.

"Excuse me," Jak said, running back to the outhouse.

(5 more hours later)

Jak finally came back out from the outhouse.

"I hope that's the last of it," he said. "I wouldn't use that for a while if I were you."

"So now what," Keira asked.

"Lessons on plants," Jak said, walking in front of the tree.

"Here we go again," Keira said.

"First off; the chuchanga. A large leaf that grows abundantly in the forest, and is very fresh and crispy; almost lettuce-like, if you will. It can be used in a variety of ways, or just eaten straight off the plant."

Jak grabbed and ate a chuchanga before continuing.

"Then," he said, finding the drop-off point to see a patch of orange flowers down below. "The dudanga. A very potent, oily flower that is said to contain the ingredients used to make many hand lotions and shampoos. I should know, because I'm...horribly allergic to them. I don't buy anything with it as an ingredient."

"Demonstration," Keira yelled, pushing Jak off the edge, where he fell into the patch of dudangas.

"That was...the most cruel thing I've ever seen you do," Samos said as Jak shrieked. He returned five minutes later looking like he'd been stung by about a million and one wumpbees.

"Hey, balloon boy," Keira said jokingly. Jak gave her an angry look.

"Fortunately, a chuchanga can fix him right up," Samos said. He tried stuffing the leaf into Jak's mouth, but it was so swelled up.

"I know," Keira said. She grabbed a blender and about ten leaves, grinding them up into a liquid drink. She then poked the straw into his mouth as he drank it, returning to normal eventually.

"Thanks," Jak said. "I'll get you back eventually. But in the meantime, one more lesson."

Jak stood by a purple flower.

"Lastly...the fufanga. A very soft, gentle, delicate flower that many girls like receiving," Jak said. He picked one up and gave it to Keira, who sighed and fainted. "Unfortunately, some people are also allergic to it, Dark being one of them. Observe," Jak said. He went dark and stepped in, Dark swelling up like Jak did with the dudangas.

"Hurg," Dark said. Jak returned to normal.

"**I'll get you for that,"** Dark said to him.

"How can you..." Jak began, when he heard a familiar breathing sound. He turned to see the person he didn't want to see out in the forest.

"HIII, JAAAAKK!"

Yes, it was Kakukakakika.

"You again? What about Praxis?"

"He doesn't know I'm here. I'm hiking," she said, pointing to all her hiking items.

"Go hike somewhere else," Jak said.

"Cool tent," Kakukakakika commented.

"Uh...thanks," Jak said uneasily.

"Honeybumpkins," a man voice called. A man with big, frizzy hair, one huge eye, one large ear, big buck teeth, big hands, and big feet walked up to the group.

"Jak, this is my Uncle," Kakukakakika said.

"Professor Dr. Alfred Fahrschwhitzbhurghen," he said, extending his hand.

"What's with the hands and feet," Jak asked. "And everything else?"

"It was a lab accident," Dr. F said. "You don't know how long I've been like this!"

"Please, tell me more," Jak said, sitting in a psychiatrist-like chair, wearing glasses, and holding a notepad.

"It was just five years ago...it was a routine experiment; I was trying to make a potion that would make me irresistible to the ladies...I goofed and ended up like this! I can't even get a decent job anymore! I've been fired from the two I've had!"

"It can't be THAT bad," Jak said obliviously.

(Flashback)

Dr. F is sitting at an office desk when the phone rings.

"(smash) Hello? Hell...oh. Dang."

He had indeed smashed the phone to bits because of his large hands.

"Alfred," his boss called.

(a minute later)

"Fired!? But I got fired from my last job for something similar!"

(second flashback)

Shows a science classroom as Dr. F walks in with a briefcase.

"OK class, I'm Professer F, and..."

"Why do you have big hands and feet," one of the students asked.

"It was a lab accident. Anyhoot, please open up your books to the page on the board and do problems 1-6," he said, slamming his hand against the board. He pulled it off and it turned out his hand actually erased the writing. He went to pick up a piece of chalk, but it kept breaking because his hands were too big.

"Eh, it's...page 235. I'll be in the bathroom sobbing contently," he said, leaving.

"Would Mr. Fahrschwhitzbhurghen please come to the office," the PA said.

(minutes later)

"FIRED!?"

(End flashes)

"My only option was to turn to mad science. I've since been trying to figure out an antidote to this."

Jak had an idea.

"Try one of these," he said, handing the Dr. a chuchanga. Dr. F looked at it a bit before taking a bite, and soon eating the whole thing up. Suddenly his hands and feet began shrinking, and he was returned to his normal, handsome self.

"By George, it worked," he said. "What do you call these magnificent things?"

"Chuchanga," Jak said. "They're everywhere."

"We must spread the word of this discovery to everyone! Come lads," Dr. F said, walking towards the drop-off.

"Uncle, look out," Ka called. It was too late as he fell off the drop and into the patch of dudangas. Crunching and gurgling noises were heard, before Dr F. came up, unfortunately back to his hideous self. Except, it was worse.

"No, no, NOT AGAIN! DON"T LOOK AT ME! I'M UGLYYYYYY EEEEEEEEHHEHEHEEAH," he wailed, running off.

"He could've just grabbed another chuchanga," Jak mentioned.

"He'll be locked up in his lab for weeks now," Kakukakakikka said.

"THERE you are," a familiar voice said. "I've been looking everywhere for you, Ka!"

Indeed, Praxis had found his way over to the forest somehow, just now arriving.

"You're not supposed to have a day off until next Tuesday. Come, much needs to be done still," he said, grabbing Ka in a death grip and thundering off.

"I STILL LOVE YOU JAAAK," she called again.

"Well, I think this vacation is over," Jak said. Keira smiled. "But first, I have surprise for Keira."

"Is it another fufanga?"

"No, it's better! Close your eyes and hold out your hands."

Keira did so, smiling happily. Jak then put something in her hand.

"It tickles..."

"Open your eyes."

Keira did, and when she did so, she suddenly began to freak out.

"Jak...it's...a...a...b...."

"A Blunderfly!"

"I hate blunderflies," Keira said, twitching suddenly.

"I know, because your allergic to them!"

Keira then swelled up like Jak did.

"I told you I'd get you back," Jak said, pushing a button where all the camping stuff suddenly got sucked back into a suitcase.

"Well, I'll be sein' ye," he said, walking away.

"Come on honey, let's find a blender," Samos said, rolling Keira away...


	8. Jak Man

**Man, this thing needs to be updated more often, but I'm too lazy. Well, here's the next chapter, and I laughed pretty hard when I read the end of this; Torn's idiocy is very present in the chapter. And, of course, Jak is still as consistent as he normally is.**

Chapter 8: Jak Man

Afte Jak got back from his vacation, he had taken up Torn's new job at the pumping station, which has him occasionally fending off lurking Metal Heads, but doing mostly paperwork in his office, which was conveniently located on the ledge where he met Ashelin the first time. Convenient also because there was not only an automated McSpanky's delivery system there, but it was also close to a large bushel of chuchanga leaves, and we all know how much Jak loves chuchanga leaves...

Anyways, A few days later, Jak had just gotten off his shift and was headed towards the Underground to go punch out for the day, and also to say hi to Torn, which usually ends in Torn shooing Jak out so the dreaded man could do more paperwork, which he hates.

Jak was about a good 100 ft. from the Underground, when he suddenly heard a scream that sounded like an old lady:

"MY PURSE!"

Yes, an old lady's purse had just been swiped, and a guy with a ski mask and what looked like a woman's purse was running right towards Jak. The blond just sighed and put his leg out where the robber could trip over it. Sure enough, he did, and the robber landed with a thud on his face, the purse flying up into the air and landing in Jak's hands. The robber was quickly mobbed by guards, who were most likely going to take all the credit for the arrest, until they realized that it was none other than Vegar, and that the woman was his mother, who apparently hadn't given him enough money to go skiing earlier...

"Here," Jak said to the lady as he handed her the purse, turning to continue on to the Underground.

"Thank you, young man," she said as Jak walked away. "You should help people like this more often."

"Well, I do already, but..." Jak began, but suddenly got an idea. After going and clocking out, and getting shooed out by Torn, Jak grabbed a zoomer and rushed to his home, about to hatch another brilliant idea of his; which, knowing Jak, his bright ideas usually turns out to be bad ones...

(The next morning)

Torn was busy doing that same paperwork which he despised wholeheartedly at his desk, when Jak suddenly burst in, wearing what looked to be a crude superhero costume.

"Jak, what are you wearing," Torn said, slightly angered that Jak had interrupted him.

"Torn, I want to change shifts," Jak said.

"That doesn't answer my question; and why do you want to change shifts?"

"It's my new costume," Jak answered.

"Costume for what?"

"Well, yesterday, I performed yet another one of my heroic deeds, and..." Jak began.

"You mean the lady with the purse," Torn interrupted.

"How'd you know about that?"

"It was on TV; the entire city heard."

"Well, anyway, I said to myself, 'why can't I do this more often; be a hero...wait, no, a superhero'? Know what I mean?"

"Jak, you already help people, and on a daily basis; why would you want to do the same thing you do everyday?" Torn said.

"But this is different," Jak responded. "I want to do it myself for once; not have any help, go solo."

"You do that already, too."

"But not with a costume like this!"

Torn, realizing Jak was just going to keep this going like he always does, said: "But why change shifts? Most heros do the whole, 'normal by day, crime fighter by night' thing, and you get of at 6 anyways."

"Alright, then, it's settled," Jak said triumphantly, though the whole conversation went nowhere. "Now, to go get some...mild-mannered clothing!"

"You...may want to change out of that first," Torn said.

"Oh, right," Jak said, appearing seconds later in his usual outfit. "Now, to go shopping!"

"After you punch in."

"Yes, after I do that."

(Later that day)

Keira was busy fixing yet another zoomer that Jak had destroyed, presumably by driving through a wall of some kind, when the culprit himself walked in, wearing a suit, glasses, and a fancy hat.

"Citizen," Jak said heroically.

"Jak, why are you wearing that," Keira asked.

"It's my..secret identity. I'm a superhero now! No one will ever suspect that I fight crime," Jak responded, smiling at Keira like he was sure of himself.

"Jak, everyone knows you fight crime," Keira responded. "You in the news every day...sometimes for the wrong reasons, but still..."

"But I'm not going to be Jak anymore...I am going to be someone else...and that's why I brought you this," Jak said, giving Keira what looked to be one of those 'easy' buttons from staples.

"What is it," Keira asked.

"It's a 'Jak' signal," Jak responded, Keira rolling her eyes at the un-originality. "Press it whenever you need help, and I will answer the call."

"Great," Keira said. "Now, if you don't mind, I have to fix a zoomer that the SUPERHERO wrecked! Now go!"

"Farewell, good citizen," Jak said heroically, off to deliver more Jak signals. Keira just shook her head, wondering why she even liked Jak in the first place...

(At the Underground)

Torn had just finished the day's paperwork, and was now doing some cleaning, when Jak arrived.

"Torn, I bring a gift," Jak said.

"Just, put it on the table," Torn responded as he kept sweeping the floor. Jak placed his signal on the table, then stopped to eye a mug labeled "#1 uncle" on it. Jak, knowing this was Torn's favorite coffee mug, decided he would 'accidentally' knock it onto the floor, and did so, coffee spilling out all over the floor, the mug denting slightly in a couple places. Torn, as if he had special senses, turned around with wide eyes, seeing the destruction Jak had caused. He shrieked loudly, dropping his broom and rushing to the aid of his prized mug.

"It's OK, it's OK," Torn muttered to the inanimate object. "Daddy's here now..." Torn than eyed the button on his desk, puzzled. "Jak, what is this?"

"It's called the 'Jak' signal; press it if you need help, and I will be there," Jak answered triumphantly.

"Great....no go. I have to take care of poor Rodrick here," Torn said.

"Rodrick," Jak asked.

"The mug YOU pushed onto the floor," Torn answered angrily.

"Oh, prrp, come on, Torn, what makes you think I did that? It obviously knocked itself over."

"Rodrick would never do that, would you, Rodrick?"

The mug said nothing.

"R..Rodrick?"

The mug still didn't respond.

"You...You're kidding, right?"

Jak decided it was time to leave, believing Torn had finally lost it, and over a stupid mug.

"And I'll never need your help for anything," Torn yelled from inside (remember this).

(That Night)

"Ah...the night...so peaceful, and quiet; yet, also a haven for lurking villains," Jak narrated to himself as he walked the streets in his suit, people looking at him like he was crazy. "But, that's where I come in," he continued, finding a convenient phone booth next to him. Jak leaped in, and in about five minutes, came out wearing his beige pants, combat boots, yet he had a long-sleeve blue shirt with a J ironed on it, a red cape, and also a cheap dollar-store black mask.

"I...am...JAK MAN!"

Just as he announced his presence, the Jak signal lit up the sky, in the direction of, of all places, the Underground.

"Ah, it seems Torn needs my assistance. Jak man, away," he announced, grabbing a zoomer, slapping a J on it, and driving off to the Underground (which was only maybe a few feet away).

(Inside)

Torn was pacing the floor around his desk when Jak man arrived, driving his vehicle into the underground.

"Hail, good Citizen," He said heroically. "How can I be of..."

"Jak, it's terrible! I..." Torn interrupted.

"Fear not, for I will help. What is the trouble?"

"I...forgot what a spoon is!"

Jak just sighed, reaching into his backpack.

"Here, read this," Jak said, handing Torn a book called "table manners for dummies".

"Thanks, Jak man," Torn responded.

"You're...hey, wait," Jak said. "You said you didn't want my help."

"No I didn't," Torn said.

"Well, then, Jak Man, away," Jak said, driving out of the Underground. No sooner had he gotten about ten feet from the building, the Jak signal flashed once again, and from the same place.

"Yes, how can I..." Jak began once he arrived back, but Torn cut him off.

"I forget how to read," Torn answered.

"Here," Jak said, giving Torn "Reading for Dummies".

"Thanks, Jak," Torn said again. Jak had just gotten out the door when Torn once again flashed the signal.

"What now," Jak asked, getting annoyed.

"What's this word," Torn asked, pointing to a work in the book.

"That's, 'the', Torn," Jak said, amazed that Torn was that stupid.

"Thanks, Jak," Torn responded, Jak leaving once again. However, yeah, you guessed it, Torn once again summoned Jak back.

"WHAT," Jak asked as he stormed in to an eager Torn.

"Look, Jak...A FORK," Torn said, smiling like he had just accomplished something really important.

Jak just turned around and left.

"No, no, wait, look...a SPOON!"

Jak had already made it outside when the Jak signal flashed yet again, but thankfully, this time it wasn't in the Underground. It appeared to be coming from the direction of...the wasteland.

"Ah, it seems Damas wants me for something," Jak announced. "To the Wasteland!"

(At the Wasteland)

Jak had arrived at Spargus, and also to Damas's palace.

"Jak Man is here to..." Jak began, but was cut off by Damas.

"Oh, there you are, Jak," Damas said.

"What's the trouble, Father," he asked heroically.

"There's no trouble, Son, I just wanted to see you," Damas responded. "Why don't you ever come and visit your own father?"

Jak just got up and began to walk away.

"Wait, where are you going? I was going to get the baby pictures! And take you Metal Head hunting! And go with Kliever on a rampage with the Slam Dozer! I had such a great day planned!"

Jak had already gotten to the race garage by the end of Damas's ranting, the Jak signal flashing back in Haven City once again.

"God, I hope it's not Torn this time," Jak muttered under his breath, getting on the air train back.

(In Haven)

Jak had now arrived back in haven, and thankfully, the signal wasn't near the underground, it was at the garage.

"Ah, my dear Keira has requested me. Jak Man, away," He said, grabbing another zoomer and driving off.

(At the garage)

No sooner had Jak drove his zoomer into the garage, and gotten out, he heard Keira screaming.

"Are you OK, Citizen," he called.

"GET UP HERE NOW," Keira screamed menacingly at him.

"Coming," he squeaked.

Once Jak got upstairs, he soon found out the reason she called him.

"What's YOUR smelly sock doing in MY room," she yelled from on top of her bed, Jak's smelly, dirty, moldy, sweaty sock lying in the middle of the room.

"Sleeping," Jak responded.

"PICK IT UP! Or I'll tell Daddy," Keira screamed at first, then got all sweet.

"OK," Jak responded, not wanting to anger Keira too much after what happened last time she got really mad (Shows clip of him being chased by a Dragon Keira from an earlier episode), picking it up and putting it in his room, returning seconds later. "Anything else?"

"Organize my dolls," Keira said, showing her a shelf full of unorganized dolls. Jak did so within a few minutes, and asked: "OK, is there..."

"I've got a whole list," Keira said, handing him a list of things that looked like it would circle the city three times.

"But...these are your chores," Jak responded. "And it's even in your dad's handwriting..."

"Now they're yours; you ARE the hero, remember," Keira said. "Bye, Jak Man!"

"TO WORK," Jak said heroically.

(Hours later)

Jak had now just finished the long list of Keira's chores, which included watering Samos' plants, vacuuming the carpet, cleaning the bathroom, re-organizing Keira's dolls, watering Samos' plants again, taking out the garbage, ordering a new tool off the Internet, watering Samos' plants for the third time, re-reorganizing Keira's dolls, dusting, doing the dishes, watering Samos' plants for the fourth time, the list goes on.

"Finally, done," Jak said, exhausted. "Now, I can..."

Jak was about to say something when the Jak signal flashed yet again, and guess where this time?

(The Underground)

"Jak, I'm glad you're here," Torn said once he got back.

"Torn, if this is about forks..."

"But it's really important this time!"

"What is it," Jak asked.

"The toilet's clogged up again," Torn said.

"Ugh, fine, let me take a look at it," Jak said, and walked back to the bathroom, which was already flooded with about ankle-high water.

"Torn, what have you been eating," Jak asked.

"I don't know," Torn said. "Can you fix it?"

"Well, let's see," Jak said, going over to the toilet. "Did you use the drain cleaner," Jak asked.

"What's that," Torn asked.

"Here," Jak said, opening the cupboard. "This," he said, pulling out a bottle and showing it to Torn.

"OH, THAT'S what it's for," Torn said.

"What did you think it was for," Jak asked.

"Nothing I'd...like to talk about," Torn responded. Jak looked at him weird before returning to the toilet, where the drain cleaner did nothing.

"Well, looks like this is gonna have to come off," Jak said, eventually getting the whole seat and all off so that just the pipe was sticking out. Jak looked inside, and saw something...disturbing.

"Forks? Cups? Spoons? Torn, what in the heck have you been doing?"

"I get bored sometimes..."

"I don't understand..."

"Well, I like to flush things down the toilet and see how much it takes to clog it..but I thought I had gotten everything out."

"No wonder we never had any clean silverware," Jak said. "Well, it's as simple fix," he continued, as he started pulling items out of the pipe. Unfortunately, all the flushes that Torn had made had built up behind the mess, and when Jak had pulled enough stuff out, the pressure was released, filling the bathroom about half-way with water.

Jak eventually found Torn's emergency drain, and triggered it, the room returning to it's normal state.

"Torn, no more sticking things in the toilet, OK?"

"OK," Torn said, as Jak replaced the toilet.

"Well, now that that's fixed, I must be off to my next call! Farewell, citizen," Jak said, leaving. Once he was outside, the Jak signal flashed again, and this time, it was at...the Palace?

"I don't remember giving Praxis a signal," Jak commented. "But still, it is a cry for help, and as Jak Man, I must answer! TO THE PALACE!"

(at the Palace)

"Come on, come on," Praxis muttered, pacing a large rut in the throne room.

Jak finally made it up the elevator, coming out with a heroic pose.

"Jak Man is here, Citizen! State you emergency!"

"Jak, there you are; nice costume, by the way," Praxis commented.

"Thank you," Jak responded. "Now what is it that you need help with?"

"Well, it's...sort of embarrassing, but....I...want to...learn how to..."

"Eat? Read? Tell the difference between a fork and a spoon?"

"Huh?"

"Sorry, force of habit; you won't believe what Torn's put me through today."

"Yeah he is...kinda stupid, isn't he? But no, that's not it, I want to...DANCE!"

"Why," Jak asked.

"It's...uh...Ashelin's prom!"

"Ashelin's 24; she doesn't have a prom."

"I'm right here, Father," Ashelin commented, realizing that she was standing only a few feet away from the two.

"I just wanna dance," Praxis whined.

"It's easy, come on," Jak said.

It took about three hours for Praxis to get the hang of everything, since his fat prevented him from doing a lot of things that Jak was teaching him, but eventually, Praxis was indeed dancing through the halls of the Palace. However, there was just...one problem.

"Sir," Erol, who was up in his room trying to write a guard report and apparently had felt and heard all the thumping going on, said as he walked down the hall. "What's going...Jak, what are you doing here; and what is that you're wearing?"

"I'm not just Jak, I'm...JAK MAN! And I'm teaching Praxis how to dance!"

Erol stood there, looking at Jak, and then at Praxis, before suddenly getting a look of horror on his face, possibly remembering something bad that happened.

"JAK, YOU FOOL," Erol yelled suddenly, racing behind him. "Do you realized what you've done?"

"No..."

"You don't understand...once the Baron starts dancing, he...." Erol began, but then Praxis basically explained it himself.

"Uh, Jak?"

"Yeah," Jak asked.

"How do you stop," Praxis asked.

"What do you mean?"

"How do you...stop dancing?"

"You just...stop," Jak responded.

"I...don't think I can..." Praxis said, merrily leaping up the stairs and into the hallway where all the bedrooms are.

"Can't stop dancing," Erol finished.

"Oooh," Jak said.

"He's probably going to cause massive damage to the Palace now," Erol said, as a sudden shriek was heard; probably Vegar as Praxis had danced his way into his room, now destroying everything inside.

"Well, good luck with that," Jak said, exiting the Palace. Ashelin and Erol both sighed, knowing Praxis was probably going to keep dancing until he either got tired, his legs cramped up, or he fell asleep; or hurt himself.

(Outside)

"Well, now that that's over, I can...holy crap," Jak began, but soon saw that it seems almost everyone in town had gotten a hold of a Jak signal, as the sky was full of them.

"Wow. Well, I'd better get to work," Jak said, heading off to the nearest house.

(4 hours later)

It had to have been around Midnight when Jak had answered every single signal in the air; most had him either unclogging toilets, rescuing animals, helping Brutter with a new slogan for his trinket store, fighting Metal Heads with Sig (which wasn't that bad until Sig's Peacemaker accidentally got lodged in some rocks), telling Keira she was pretty, and watering Samos' plants another four times.

"Oh, man, this hero stuff's too much for me; I think Jak Man's done his last deed of his lifetime," Jak said to himself as he walked back to the underground, ready to call it a day.

"Jak," Torn yelled from the bathroom.

"Not now, Torn, I'm done for the night," Jak said. "No more Jak Man."

"But...the toilet's clogged again," Torn responded.

"What did I just get done telling you earlier?"

"No, I ate a bad burrito from McSpanky's earlier, and it's came back..."

"OK, Torn, just...get the drain cleaner..."

"It's gone already."

"Wow, you must've...done something bad to it."

"Help?"

"Here," Jak said as he got to the bathroom, handing Torn "plumbing for dummies".

"Thanks, Jak," Torn said as Jak went to go home.

"Jak," Torn yelled back.

"What?"

"I forgot how to read again!"

Jak just left the underground, screaming loudly once he got out.

"Jak? Jak!? JAAAAAAAAAKKKK......hey, look, a spoon!"

**Oh, Torn. Review.**


	9. Ratchet the Movie Star

**Finally, another chapter! By demand, Ratchet is now entering the randomness. Jak's crackerjack driving skills are present once again in this chapter, as well as Torn's insurance paranoia. A little bit of Praxis-based idiocy is present, and there are also references at the end to Spongebob, Family Guy, Crash Bandicoot, and the Jimmy Neutron/FOP crossovers.**

Chapter 9: Ratchet the Movie Star

Jak's new super-heroism was soon short-lived, and within a couple days he was back to being just plain Jak again.

One Sunday night after his shift, Jak had came back to the Underground to see a very entranced Torn, Ashelin, Keira, Samos, Erol, Praxis, and Veger watching a movie starring a certain person Jak despised greatly.

"Oh, man, I love this movie," Torn said, reaching into his bowl of popcorn to continue stuffing his already-stuffed face.

Jak looked over at the screen to see that Torn was watching "Ratchet: Up Your Arsenal", an action packed movie starring none other than galaxy super-celebrity, Ratchet.

Jak had always been jealous of Ratchet, and for two reasons. One, because Ratchet was a better hero that he was, since the Lombax has saved two galaxies, one twice, and also has dethroned a corrupt underground media jockey. The second, was that all of his life adventures have been made into movies, staring him. So, Ratchet was both a movie star and an inter-galactic mega-hero. This has never happened to Jak, and so to this day Jak feels as though he has a 'rivalry' with Ratchet, though the two had never met before.

Jak was getting sick of the movie, and since his favorite show, "Haven's Funniest Home Videos" was on right now, he reached for the remote. Torn, however, saw this and smacked the blond's hand away.

"No, Jak, you aren't turning the channel; not this time," Torn responded.

"But..." Jak began.

"I know you don't like Ratchet, but you've ruined all the other movie nights I've had, and I won't let you ruin this one. Besides, there's a TV in the back you can watch, anyway."

"But Torn, it's not as fun to watch someone fall off their jet board and land on their face when it's not in HD," Jak said.

"Don't you have a big screen at home," Torn asked.

"Yeah, what's wrong with ours," Keira added.

"But...Torn's got the whole package..."

"Just go watch it at your house," Torn said, knowing Jak would continue this argument all night.

"Eaagh, fine; come on, Dax," Jak said, turning towards the door. Daxter, however, didn't follow him, and instead gravitated his way towards the TV screen.

"Daxter," Jak asked, feeling rejected.

"Jak, you're my bud and all, but I just can't stop watching...so many explosions..." Daxter said, almost in a trance-like state.

"Fine! I don't need you," Jak whined pathetically, running off to his home.

Torn then resumed the movie, everyone's eyes just growing wide, the lot staring at the screen like they were hypnotized.

(The next day)

Jak was walking through the Stadium section to not only try to forget about Ratchet, but also he was on his way to the Bazaar to go do Keira's shopping; yes, Keira's shopping. She just had to go over to Torn's again to watch more movies, so she entitled Jak to get her chores finished. Jak would have denied, but, well, we know what happens when Jak tells Keira no; she gets angry, and no one likes Keira when she's angry.

(Shows clip of Jak being chased by Dragon Keira)

Unfortunately for Jak, his attempts to forget about Ratchet were failing; the coming weekend was the annual Galactic Film Festival, and Haven was going to be holding it this year. And, of course, this meant that Ratchet was going to be there, showing off the teaser trailer for his next new movie. So, Jak had to face an onslaught of posters, video screens, and fliers with the hero/actor's face on it, which drove Jak insane.

He soon went past a group of teenage girls with all their Ratchet merchandise on, going on about how cute he was; that was the other thing that Jak was jealous of Ratchet for, that the Lombax always got all the girls; Jak can barely get a kiss from Keira, and of course there's the loony Kakukakakika. Not a very pleasing fan club for Jak.

Jak was thankful that he was almost to where he had parked his car, about to get out of this mess and be able to breathe some fresh, non-Ratchet air. However, it just had to happen, the one thing that the whole city would remember him for; just as he rounded the corner to the exit of the section heading out to the farming district, a man suddenly ran up to him, yelling: "Hey, man, did ya hear? Ratchet's coming to..."

Jak, finally hitting his breaking point, screamed at the top of his lungs, "IIIIIIIIIIII HAAAAATE RRRRRRAAATTTTCHEEETTTTT!"

All of a sudden, the entire city just froze. Cars stopped and some kept going, causing major accidents all around the city, people walking just froze in their position, not to mention some glass shattering from Jak's voice shock wave, and all you heard was then entire city let out one huge gasp, everyone turning to look at Jak. The blond just walked off awkwardly, continuing on.

Jak returned to the underground later that night after doing Keira's shopping all day, Torn looking more angry at Jak than usual.

"Hi ya, Torn," Jak said cheerfully.

"Jak, what have you done today," Torn asked, in a tone that Jak knew all too well; this meant that Jak was in trouble.

"Do all of KEIRA'S chores," Jak said, annoyed.

"Is that all," Torn asked, in the same tone.

"Yeah...wait, no...I, kinda...sorta..." Jak began, but Torn finished his sentence for him.

"Yelled as loud as you could that you hated Ratchet," he said. "I know; I didn't hear it, but 3 hours after you left, I had a mob of citizens breaking my door down with anti-Jak signs and shirts."

"I couldn't take it anymore," Jak responded. "He's everywhere..."

"Sure," Torn said, his tone back to normal. "I just hope that this weekend you're nowhere near that convention; who knows what they'd do to you."

"Ah, there just stupid citizens," Jak said. "I run them over with vehicles every day and they just run off like wee little girly men."

Jak said that last part in an Austrian accent, to which Torn yelled: "You WHAT!"

"Uh, I gotta go, T," Jak responded, leaving, just as Torn was about to go on a tantrum. Jak closed the door just in time to not hear Torn roar Jak's name.

(The next day)

Jak decided that it was time he gave Ratchet a run for his money and was going to make his own movie, claiming that it would be better than all of Ratchet's.

Jak walked into the Underground the next day with a thick, well-written script in his hands. Jak saw Torn plopped down on his desk, things all over the room from his rampage last night. Jak through the script onto the table right next to Torn's ears, jolting the red-haired man awake.

"Who...oh, JAK," Torn said.

"Torn, I want to make a movie," Jak stated.

"OH, NO YOU'RE NOT!" Torn yelled. "Remember the last time you made a movie?"

"Uh..."

"All the stunts you did..."

"Raised your insurance."

"All the vehicles you wrecked..."

"Raised your insurance."

"The props and set equipment..."

"Cost lots of orbs..."

"The stunt doubles..."

"Cost a lot AND raised your insurance..."

"See what I mean? You're not making a movie, and that's final," Torn said.

Jak stayed silent for a moment, before turning to Gordon and saying: "Come on, Gordon, let's go make a movie."

"Eh, sure, beats being here all day," Gordon responded, the two walking out of the underground.

"Oh, no you don't," Torn yelled at them before they walked out. "You're not doing this with out me! I'm your budget manager!"

"Fair enough," Jak said, the three departing for the wasteland.

(At Spargus)

"OK," Jak said as they arrived at the race garage. "I think we're going to need a chase scene through the wasteland, and also..."

"Remember, Jak, budget," Torn responded.

"Eh, I know," Jak said, jotting down notes in a memo pad.

"JAK," someone yelled suddenly. Jak turned to see an angry Keira staring at him.

"Keira, what are you doing here," Jak asked.

"I'm here because when you went shopping the other day, you bought CANADIAN bacon when my list clearly said REGULAR bacon!"

"But Canadian bacon's so much tastier," Jak said.

"FIX IT NOW!"

"I'm...making a movie..."

"Can I be in it?"

"Uh...why?"

"Because I'm pretty," Keira said. Everyone just glared at her.

"I don't know if I can fit you in the script..." Jak began.

"PUT ME IN THE MOVIE!"

"ok," Jak squeaked, making another note. Torn got a worried look in his face because of another actor in Jak's movie. He would've forgot about it, but...

"Son," Damas suddenly said, appearing mysteriously.

"Oh, hi, Dad," Jak said.

"What're you doing here?"

"Makin' a movie."

"Can I be in it," Damas asked, Torn shooting Jak a "you'd better not" look.

"Sure," Jak said, ignoring Torn's glare.

"Budget," Torn said.

"I know, Torn," Jak said.

"Hey, if it's a budget issue, I can help," Damas said. "I AM the king of Spargus, after all..."

"Great, then," Jak said.

"Well, I guess two extras can't hurt," Torn said. He, however, was sadly mistaken.

"Hey Kliever," Damas yelled.

"What," the fat man, who was standing by the slam dozer, yelled back.

"Jak's making a movie, wanna be in it?"

"Do I get to shoot anything?"

"Well," Damas asked Jak.

"Sure," Jak said.

"He says you can," Damas yelled again.

"Then count me in," Kliever yelled back in response.

"OK, three more..." Torn said to himself.

Unfortunately for Torn, within the span of a day, Jak had enlisted almost everyone in his movie. Almost, because there were some people who declined; Seem, who said she had 'important things to do' (shows Seem in the Naughty Otsel), Veger, Razer, Kor, Vin, Krew, Onin, Pecker, and others.

So, by the end of the day, it was Jak, Torn, Keira, Gordon, Ashelin, Damas, Praxis, Erol, Kliever, Sig, Tess, Daxter, Razer (who was 'persuaded' to be in the movie by Praxis), and Veger (also persuaded). Luckily for Torn, though, having both Damas and Praxis as actors meant that the budget wouldn't be an issue; it was just now his insurance he had to worry about.

"OK," Jak said once they were back in the race garage with all the actors. "Let's do the desert scenes first. Everyone pick a car, doesn't matter what," Jak said.

"Slam dozer," Keira called.

"Uh, I don't think so, missy," Kliever said. "That's too much power for you."

"Jak, I want the Slam Dozer," Keira whined.

"Why," Jak asked.

"Because...it's cool...and because I said I want it."

"Jak, can I have the tough puppy," Erol asked.

"Why," Jak asked, stunned that Erol wanted such a small vehicle.

"Because it's a tough puppy," Erol responded confidently.

"Uh...I guess..." Jak said. Erol squeaked giddily and hopped into the Tough Puppy, giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Jak," Keira asked.

"Oh; Um, sure," Jak responded. Keira motioned for the large vehicle, but saw that it was gone. Jak got a worried look on his face when Keira just stood there.

"Jak," she asked.

"What?"

"Where's my car?"

"I don't know, honestly."

"I think Praxis took it," Erol commented. As if on cue, the baron himself drove the vehicle into the garage, crashing it into its stall.

"Well, I think this'll do," he said.

"Uh, Praxis," Jak said. "Can...Keira have the slam dozer? I already told her she could..."

"Well, sweetie," Praxis said, thinking that Ashelin, not Jak, was the one talking. "The Baron is the ruler of the city, and he can do what he wants; he can also pick any car he wants, and I picked the Slam Dozer. So, the car is mine because I'm the Baron."

"GIVE ME THE CAR," Keira yelled suddenly.

"NEVER," Praxis said, jumping into the Slam Dozer. Keira then turned into a dragon and started chasing Praxis around the wasteland.

"I'll never surrender to you," Praxis yelled as they went out of range.

"Eventually he'll have to give Keira the vehicle," Jak said to Erol.

"Yeah," Erol responded.

"Well, let's just go ahead without them," Jak finished, gathering everyone up to shoot the seen.

(3 Days Later)

It was close, but Jak had managed to make a three-hour movie in three days and completely edit the whole thing in one night with little experience. Keira did force Praxis to eventually give up his prized Slam Dozer, and he resorted to having his prized "Baronmobile" shipped over to the wasteland.

Production actually had to halt many times, mostly because Damas kept screwing his lines up trying to 'improvise', and also when Erol and Razer kept trying to prove 'who was the better racer' by slamming each other off course. There was also the time when they were trying to film in the temple and Seem came back hammered completely that night, when Sig's peacemaker got lodged in the Gila Stomper's front axle, when Veger tried to steal the tough puppy from Erol, and when Praxis continuously got bored of his 'Baronmobile' and switched to numerous vehicles including a forklift, cherry picker, Helcat, Sled, a modified version of the bike he got Ashelin for Christmas one year, and even a McSpanky's delivery scooter, and proceeded to chase random people (usually either Veger, Torn, Jak, or Damas) around the wasteland with them.

Jak had submitted his movie to the convention that weekend, and soon it was time for the awards ceremony, where he was notified that he had won and award, though it didn't specifically say what award. Ever the optimist, though, he believed that he had beaten Ratchet this time, and wanted to be there to see the Lombax's embarrassed face.

He, Torn, and Gordon were all dressed up in tuxedos (it had, actually, taken a long time to convince Gordon to take off his hazard suit and put on a tuxedo) that night and were about to go get the rest of the cast.

"OK, Jak," Torn said as they walked out the door to a brand new black limousine. "I JUST bought this today for 500,000 orbs specifically for this occasion; unfortunately, you have to drive because I still don't have my license back yet, and Gordon doesn't for reasons he doesn't want to explain...(shows clip of a drunk Gordon running over KGs thinking they were zombies)"

"And you're telling me this because," Jak asked, unlocking the doors.

"Because I don't want you to destroy this thing after I just bought it," Torn responded.

"Oh, Torn, don't worry; have I ever given you a reason to not trust me," Jak asked. Torn just glared.

"Please keep this in one piece," Torn said.

"Don't worry," Jak responded. "I'll take good care of it."

Unfortunately for Torn, by the time Jak had picked up everyone, he had driven Torn's limo though the wall of each person's house; the vehicle in question, however, was still spotless. Torn, though, had to restrain himself from having another hyperventilation attack.

Down at the stadium where the event was taking place, everyone was lined up eagerly anticipating all the high-profile celebrities (Ratchet), and even Jak, whose movie, rumor had it, actually got pretty positive reviews.

When it was time for Jak and the gang to appear, though, the lot was strangely empty. There was then a crash, and it was discovered that, indeed, Jak had driven Torn's multi-thousand orb limo right through the walls of the stadium. Go figure.

"Well, we're here," Jak said. "Let's go find those seats so I can get my," Jak said, the lot staring at him angrily as he said 'my'. "I mean..our, awards."

Torn had to restrain himself from yelling at Jak for driving though the wall of the stadium, and even Praxis had to restrain from chasing the blond around in something since he was the one who had to pay for the repairs. Soon enough, though, they had made their way to the seating area, where the presentations were beginning.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the announcer said. "Please welcome the presenter of the awards for this evening, the chair of the Haven City Council, Count Vejer."

Veger walked on the stage with an angry look on his face, presumably because the announcer had, like everyone else, pronounced his name wrong.

"Hello, everyone," Veger said. "And it's Veger! Anyway, let's get this started; the first award for best original movie goes to..."

Jak was hugging his seat, ready for the count to say his name.

"A day on N. Sanity Island, by Crash and Coco Bandicoot, with special contributor Dr. Neo Cortex!"

A short clip of the movie showed on the screen as Crash and Cortex came up to receive the award; however, the two soon began fighting ala Crash: Twinsanity over who got to keep the trophy or not. Luckily, they got off the stage and into the streets in no time.

"OK..." Veger said.

And so, the ceremony went on for another two hours, Ratchet getting most of the awards, including best sp. Effects, best story, best audio, and best sequel. Jak had to get up several times to 'adjust his pants', which included scratching some part of his body, pulling his pants up or down, farting and coughing to cover up said farts, or anything usually disrupting; this, of course, happened usually when Ratchet's name was called.

It came down to the final two awards, as Veger continued.

"The second to last award is for best comedy; now, the judges had a tough pick on their hands tonight, but a late entry made these guys laugh so hard that they just had to pick it. So the winner of best comedy goes to... "The Adventures of Desert Man and Sandy," by Jak Mar!"

Jak squeaked loudly as he ran up and grabbed the award from Veger's hands, running down back to his seat.

"OK, then, Jak. Now, the moment you have all been waiting for!"

The lights dimmed at a spotlight soon began to swirl around the stadium. A drum-roll noise soon began to echo

"The award...for best overall movie in show is..."

Jak's eyes were wide with anticipation, clinching his seat really tight.

The drum-roll stopped as Veger read the name.

"RATCHET: A CRACK IN TIME BY RATCHET!"

The light then shined on Ratchet's seat as he smiled in happiness, his movie clip playing on the wide-screen.

However, just as the Lombax went to get up, it happened; the second thing in one week he would do to completely embarrass himself in front of millions of people, and also incur the wrath of Haven's citizens. Because from the other end of the arena, everyone suddenly heard a sudden explosion, and looked over to see, well...

"! YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YEYYYAYAYAYAYAYAEYEYAAAASSSSS! BWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAHHH! ! IIIIIINNNN YYYOOOOOUUURRRRRR FFFAAAAACCCEEEE !"

Yes, Jak had thought he had won the award, and soon began to celebrate by going on a victory rampage, which included running laps around the arena, holding his fists up in the air, whooping like an Indian and making other really weird and strange noises, break-dancing, doing the moonwalk, headbanging, 'shaking his bootay', rubbing his butt on the ground, and basically just publicly embarrassing himself in front of the entire town.

He finally found his way up to the podium, the effects and such had just been shut off by now and all the lights turned on.

"Citizens of Haven City," Jak said as he approached the microphone. "I am pleased to accept this award on behalf of myself, and my lovely Keira, and everyone else that made this possible! Take that, Ratchet! Now, to show my superiority, I'm going to do my famous 'In Your Face' Dance!"

Veger, knowing he had to stop Jak before he further embarrassed himself and everyone else and caused half the audience to leave, tapped him on the shoulder and whispered: "Uh, Jak, can I see you for a minute?"

"Hold the phone, folks, I just got a late braking update from Count Veger! Go ahead, sir."

Veger whispered something in Jak's ear to which he replied into the mic: "I'm making a complete what of myself?"

Veger continued to whisper, Jak responding the same way: "THE most EMBARRASSING thing you've ever witnessed?"

Veger whispered something else, his expression changing to anger and irritation.

"And I'm making it worse by repeating everything you say into the mic?"

Veger finally just up and out said to Jak: "Oh, for precursors' sake, boy, you didn't win the award!"

Jak suddenly went from hyped up to utter speechlessness. "W...what?"

"Ratchet won, Jak, not you," Veger responded.

"..." Jak muttered. He then suddenly realized what he had just done. He turned to the crowd, whose faces were bright red with both embarrassment and anger; especially Keira and Torn. Jak's face suddenly turned red.

"Uhh..."

Jak then let loose a really long, fluttering, yet somewhat quiet, gassy fart; after which, he just stood there, petrified like a statue. Veger pushed him off the the side, Jak still statue-ized. Ratchet then came up and gave his acceptance speech that lasted 30 minutes, the entire crowed listening like he was reciting a play or something.

Finally, after everyone had left the stadium, Jak had snapped out of his trans-like state, muttering: "I...lost..."

"It's OK, Jak, at least you got an award," Torn said. "And you didn't break anything or seriously injure something or someone."

"Jak, if I can make things clearer," Veger said. "The voting committee wasn't even going to rank your movie; but when they saw how funny it was, they had no choice but to name it best comedy; which is weird, because you weren't even entered in that category. Other than that, the thing stunk; Even I thought that, and I was in it."

"If it was so funny, then, why wasn't in number one?"

"I guess Ratchet's just that good," Veger said. "Praxis is always watching his movies, even when he's supposed to be doing paperwork..."

"That I end up doing," Kakukakakika, who just appeared, said.

"Eh," Praxis shrugged.

"Hi, Jak," Kakukakakika said to Jak. Jak just rolled his eyes.

"I thought yours was the best, Jak," she said.

"I can't imagine why," Jak muttered.

"My sister, Kakikakakuka, is a big Ratchet fan; I don't like her."

"Really..."

"Come on, Ka, you're on sponge duty tonight," Praxis said, grabbing Ka and thundering back to the palace.

"What's sponge duty," Jak asked.

"It's better you don't know," Erol said. "Well, I better leave, too."

"Come on, Jak, let's go home," Torn said. "Can you drive?"

"Of course," Jak said, he, Keira, Gordon, and Torn getting into the limo (which had mysteriously appeared in the parking lot, though the wall in the stadium still had a hole from before).

Jak drove back to the underground, but took a slight detour along the way, to which Torn asked: "Jak, where are you going?"

"Nowhere," Jak said with a grin. Torn was about to answer when he suddenly knew what Jak was planning.

(Meanwhile)

Ratchet was just settling into his temporary luxury apartment in new haven, getting ready to watch TV with some snacks at hand, Clank recharging slightly to his left.

"Aaahhh...this is the life...awards, girls, satellite TV..." Ratchet said. "Nothing could possibly ruin this moment...(CRASH!)"

As if on cue, there was a sudden smash, and both Ratchet and Clank looked over to see that a black limo had driven through their wall, driven by none other than, well, guess who?

"OK, now we can go home," Jak said, backing out of the apartment, causing slightly more structural damage as he backed out.

"Jak, you're an idiot," Torn commented as Jak drove away from the scene, Ratchet and Clank just looking on...

**I laughed pretty hard writing this last bit. I hope you did, also; so review and tell me if I'm right.**


	10. Chief Executive Adviser

**Sorry for the late update; I had laziness issues, and Fanfiction was being weird with my account. Anyway, here's number 10, and Praxis's Cannon makes its triumphant return! There's also some Fairly-odd Parents references at the beginning, a Batman reference, a Family guy reference towards the end, and also more Ratchetness. And of course what random story of mine wouldn't be complete without Jak driving zoomers straight through walls and doors? None I say! So there'll be a fair amount of that, too.**

Chapter 10: Chief Executive Advisor

Unfortunately for Jak, the Ratchet madness didn't stop that night. As announced in his speech at the ceremony, Ratchet said that he would be staying in Haven for the next two weeks, partially to take a vacation, but to also work on his next movie. Why the Lombax was starting production on another movie while the newest one hadn't even come out yet was beyond Jak, but everyone else was delighted to hear the news; and now Jak would be hearing of Ratchet everywhere he went.

The next afternoon, Erol was headed to the Underground to find Jak at Praxis' request, which he had told Erol to do earlier that morning...

(flash)

Erol was asleep in his bed around 7:30 that morning, dreaming of leaping through a field of daisies with Jak wearing kilts and holding bagpipes, when there was a knock at the door. Erol stirred from his dream, more knocking coming from the door.

"Erol...Erol," a voice, now recognized by Erol as Praxis, yelled as he kept banging on the door. There was a pause before Praxis yelled again: "Erol, I'm respecting your privacy by knocking, but asserting myself as your father and Baron by coming in anyway!"

Erol had just closed his eyes again as Praxis finished his sentence, when there was a sudden 'SMASH'. Erol jolted awake, looking over to see that his door had been forced off its hinges, landing in splinters, bits, and heaps all across his clean carpet. Erol also looked over to the doorway where he saw Praxis holding an ancient Greek column with a Ram's head on it.

"Sir, what did you do to my door," Erol asked. "And why are you even in my room this early?"

"This is my parental battering ram," Praxis responded. "I always use it whenever I need to get into Ashelin's room when she has the door locked; especially when Torn's in there. And, since you're my son, I felt the need to use it to get into your room, too."

"Praxis, I'm not your son," Erol said.

"As long as you live in this palace, you are! And so is Veger!"

"Veger's the same age as you," Erol said. "Maybe even older; so how can he be your son?"

"Hm...good point," Praxis responded. "Then he's my brother! We're all one big happy family; except for Torn, that is. He's not welcome here..."

"Sir, Torn hasn't even been here ever since you fired him," Erol said.

"What do you mean," Praxis asked. "I didn't fire him, he quit!"

"Father, if I recall," Ashelin, who had just now arrived upon hearing the smash from Erol's door, said. "You hired Torn as a secretary after he quit the KG, but accused him of stealing all the granola bars in the snack vendor. When he denied it, you fired him, took him and all of his stuff and shoved it into that cannon of yours, and shot him out the palace window. He hasn't returned since."

"Oh, pluurrp, you and your silly stories, Erol," Praxis responded, forgetting that it was Ashelin, who was behind her father and thus out of view, who had said that.

"So, what are you doing here again," Erol asked.

"Oh, yes, right," Praxis responded. "Erol, I need to see you in my office pronto; I have a special assignment for you."

"Oh, goody," Erol said sarcastically.

"I'll be waiting," Praxis said, turning and walking right past Ashelin, not even seeing her.

(Later)

Erol had walked into the throne room later that morning, Praxis standing with his back turned to Erol by the windows with his finger against his ear.

"What," Praxis asked.

"You...wanted to see me, sir," Erol asked.

"Really," Praxis asked again, not seeming to remember what happened earlier.

"Yes, you had a special assignment for me," Erol responded.

"When did this happen," Praxis said, still holding his finger against his ear.

"This morning," Erol said, his tone now becoming more irritated at his leader's incompetence.

"Where were you when this happened," Praxis asked.

"In my room! You broke my door down that I had spent months repairing from when you broke it asking me to you picnic! Are you that stupid!"

"Who did this?"

"YOU DID," Erol yelled, his fingers curling in anger, the commander looking as though he was about ready to strangle Praxis.

"No, it was probably Jak," Praxis said. "He does that stuff."

"AAAAARRRRGH," Erol yelled profusely, spit flying from his mouth and landing on Praxis's face ten feet away. Erol then, in a vast fit of rage over the baron's stupidity, began throwing random objects at Praxis. Of course, Erol wasn't exactly known for his aim when he was in a fit of rage, thus every object he threw at the baron missed horribly and either hit a wall, or flew out a window and landed on some innocent civilian or random guard below. He even chucked an innocent Veger, who had walked into the throne room to question Praxis about why his toaster had gone missing for the 10th time that month. Erol, of course, missed, and Veger flew out an opened window and landed with a loud thunk on the ground below. All this time, though, the Baron continued talking, Erol realizing after about a 30 second rage that Praxis had, indeed, not been talking to him.

"OK, bye," Praxis finally said, hanging up. "Ah, Erol, there you are; sorry about that, one of the guards found a huge hole in Ratchet's apartment this morning."

"You...had an assignment for me," Erol asked.

"Ah, yes, that," Praxis said, not realizing that the commander had destroyed his throne room. "Erol, your mission if you choose to accept it, is simple; find Jak for me and get him here."

"Why Jak," Erol asked.

"I have a special assignment for him, something that only someone with his skills is capable of doing. The safety of the city depends on it!"

"And that is," Erol asked again.

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS," Praxis suddenly spat, grabbing Erol in a death-grip and thundering off to the elevator conveniently located inside of the throne room.

"Sir, where are we going," Erol asked. Praxis said nothing as he hit the 'roof' button on the elevator. Erol wondered what exactly was at the roof that they would need; but then, Erol remembered what usually happens when people ask Praxis about his 'special missions'.

As the elevator came to a stop and the doors opened, Erol suddenly realized what was going on; for there, sitting on a platform on the very top of the palace, was Praxis' prized cannon. The cannon looked like it was from the 17th century, and the fact that it actually worked mystified Erol. How the baron could fit a whole person, if not two, into the small barrel of the cannon was also beyond Erol. Then again, this is Praxis we're talking about, who completely ignores the laws of anything. And indeed, Praxis had managed to stuff Erol into the cannon with only the commander's head showing, the cannon aimed straight down to city level.

"Now go find Jak and bring him back here," Praxis said. "And don't come back until you do! Otherwise, that cheesecake in your fridge is going to start, uh, 'disappearing', if you know what I mean."

Praxis then took a match and lit the slow string fuse, running to take cover, putting his hands over his ears. Erol wanted to try and put out the fuse, but he couldn't move his hands. There was finally a loud 'boom', as Erol was fired from the cannon at about 40 miles an hour; how the cannon actually fired that fast was also beyond Erol. He flew straight through two buildings before coming to a hard stop against the side of a third building, slowly sliding down the side of the building and coming to a rest on the street below.

And so, that had been Erol's day up until he had regained consciousness about two hours later. After clearing up the question as to where he was and what he was doing, he figured the best place to start was, where else, the underground. And, luckily, Erol was able to have Bernard, one of Praxis' servants, bring him his prized zoomer he had bought almost a week ago. He made sure he kept it in a well-secured place so that Praxis wouldn't take it out on a rampage or do something to it in a fit of rage or stupidity.

Erol drove to the Underground and parked his vehicle just out of view from the hideout door. When he walked around the corner, though, he saw something that made him both snicker and raise an eyebrow. For there, kneeling in front of a small flowerbed just outside of the Underground door, was indeed Torn, who was actually gardening. The fact that Torn actually cared about flowers didn't bother Erol, hence his suppressed laugh, but what did bother the commander was that Torn was gardening in a girly gardener's apron, yellow sun-patterned gloves, frog-patterned boots, and a dandelion-patterned hat.

"Erol," Torn asked. "What are you doing here?"

Erol continued giggling loudly, to which Torn responded: "What? I...I like gardening. What's wrong with that?"

"N...nothing," Erol said, regaining himself. "Anyways, is Jak here?"

"What time is it," Torn asked.

"Uh...12:16," Erol said.

"He should be here in a few seconds; he always comes by at this time to bug me about stuff," Torn responded. Sure enough, Torn had timed it right, as just a few seconds later there was a sudden 'smash' followed by a couple explosions. Erol and Torn turned around to see that Jak, along with Damas, of all people, had arrived in the Slam Dozer, and had apparently drove into Erol and Torn's vehicles, thus destroying them. Erol's eyes suddenly grew really huge and his pupil's seemed to shrink as he cringed at the sight of his precious patrol zoomer laying in charred metal bits next to the Slam Dozer and Torn's smoldering wreck of a vehicle.

How it exploded, however, wasn't like they thought; Erol and Torn both believed that Jak and Damas had hit Erol's zoomer into Torn's car, destroying them both. Strangely, Erol's zoomer was hit, but instead caught air, hit the wall behind Torn's car, fell down and hit the ground, exploded, and the ensuing explosion then destroyed Torn's car. Erol ran sniffling and sobbing to his 'baby', as Jak exited the Slam Dozer.

"Thanks, Damas," Jak said.

"No problem, son," Damas responded, backing out of the alley and, from the sounds of things, over a civilian or two, before driving off. Jak walked right past a sobbing Erol curled protectively around his zoomer and headed right over to Torn.

"Hey, T," Jak said. "Nice apron."

"What were you doing with Damas," Torn asked.

"Just have a father-son day," Jak said.

(shows clip of Jak and Damas going on a rampage throughout the city)

"Anyway, Erol was looking for you," Torn said after a pause.

"Why," Jak asked.

"I don't know," Torn responded. "Go ask him; I must attend to my daisies."

"Sure you do," Jak said, walking over to Erol. "Hiya, E!"

"Jak, do you know how much I paid for this," Erol asked.

"It's insured though, right?"

"Praxis's 'budget cuts' got rid of most of our zoomer insurance plans, so in order to get a new one, I'll either have to pay out of pocket, or steal one. Praxis also cut our pay in his 'budget cuts', and it already took saving a full 7 month's salary in order to buy this one."

"Oooh," Jak said. "So, what'd you want?"

"Praxis wants to see you," Erol said.

"Why," Jak asked.

"He said he had a 'special assignment' for you, and that the safety of the whole city depends on it."

"Don't those special assignments usually end badly," Jak asked. Erol nodded; now that he thought about it, whenever the baron sends people, usually Erol or Veger, out on a 'special mission', it tends to end in signature Praxis-based mass destruction to the city. Either that, or the emptying of Erol's refrigerator.

"You'd better go see what he wants; otherwise, we could wake up tomorrow without houses," Erol said after his thought.

"Yeah, good thinking," Jak said, turning to leave. "Later, T!"

"Gardening," Erol asked with a slight chuckle after Jak was out of hearing range.

"Don't tell Ashelin," Torn responded.

"Tell me what," Ashelin, who had just arrived to see if Erol had done his job, asked.

"H...how much...I love you?"

"Why are you wearing that," Ashelin asked.

"He likes gardening," Erol whispered into her ear. Ashelin blushed as Torn got really red; whether it was anger at Erol, or the fact that Ashelin possibly liked that trait of his, was beyond Erol.

"Uh...I...baolafodfdsafdsf...faslflllllllllllll..." Torn blathered.

"I have to...go..." Ashelin muttered, walking away.

"Uh...see ya, Torn," Erol responded, running as quickly away as he could.

"EEEEERRRRROOOOOOLLLLLLL!"

(Meanwhile)

Praxis had been pacing the floor of his palace throne room ever since Erol had left the building. Not only was there a gigantic u-shaped rut in the carpeting, but the rut had turned into a moat, the water coming from the sweat that had fallen from the baron; Praxis had been known to sweat profusely when under a lot of stress. Praxis was soon halted from his pacing by the 'ding' of the elevator outside the throne room door. Praxis crawled out of his rut just in time to see the doors open and Jak enter the throne room.

"Jak, there you are," Praxis said. "I've been looking for you."

"What do you want," Jak asked.

"I have a secret mission for you," Praxis said, stepping over his new 'moat' to grab a tablet by his chair. "I know it may be something you're not to comfortable with, by I need your skills to pull this off."

"What is it," Jak asked, uninterested.

"As you know, Ratchet is in Haven City for the next two weeks, and as Baron, it is my responsibility to protect such a high-profile celebrity at all costs. I have Krimzon Guards posted in every section of the city, and they will not let the lombax out of their sights, or else!"

"And this applies to me how?"

"Because I'm putting you as Ratchet's Chief Executive Advisor; basically, you're his bodyguard!"

"WHAT," Jak spat. "I hate the guy enough already! Now I have to be next to him all day? No deal, man!"

Jak had turned away by this time and was headed back to the elevator, when Praxis suddenly yelled: "Did I mention that he has to do EVERYTHING you tell him to?"

There was then a sudden 'SCREECH', almost as if Jak had actual brakes built inside of his feet; Praxis even spotted what looked to be tire tracks, but were instead the rubber from Jak's boots.

"Deal," Jak said, mysteriously appearing right in front of the baron.

"Great," Praxis said happily. "Ratchet's on a location spotting at Dead Town in 15 minutes; be there and don't be late..."

Jak had already left the palace as soon as Praxis finished his sentence.

"Sir," Erol asked as he entered the room just after Jak had left. "There's only one slice of my cheesecake left and I had a whole cake when I went to find Jak. Did you eat it all?"

"Oh, (snort), there you go bein' a skeptic," Praxis responded. "I didn't eat ALL of it! I just ate MOST of it!"

"But sir, I..."

"Don't make me put you back on sponge duty," Praxis said. Erol squeaked loudly and scampered out, eating his last cheesecake slice in the process.

(Meanwhile)

"Where is that new 'adviser' Praxis supposedly just hired," Ratchet asked his crew, who had been waiting very impatiently for Jak to arrive. Of course, Ratchet didn't know it was Jak that Praxis had hired; if he had known, Ratchet would actually be thinking the opposite, hoping that Jak had gotten into a serious accident and couldn't make it. They already had some awkward meetings ala the awards ceremony and Jak driving into the wall of his apartment; having to do everything that the blonde told him is something that made the Lombax shudder.

"He was supposed to be here 15 minutes ago, and..."

Ratchet was interrupted from his sentence when the whole crew heard a sudden smash; and, well, you know what that means. Jak had driven his car right through the city walls somehow, and had came to a stop, with the zoomer in question not even damaged the slightest, right by the set. He had also been to McSpanky's since the zoomer had a large bag with said restaurant's logo in the other seat.

"Ahoy, matees," Jak said with a pirate accent.

"You!" Ratchet asked half angrily and half surprised.

"Yep, I be the scurvy dog in charge 'a all ye'," Jak responded, still using that pirate accent. Ratchet then put his hand onto his face, unamused; his crew also seemed to share the reaction to Jak's humor.

"OK, so the first question is, where in the hell were you," Ratchet asked.

"Lunch," Jak said, pointing to the McSpanky's bag. "The drive-in line was slow as molasses, though; but, I got enough for everyone!" Indeed, Jak opened the bag and there was enough food inside to be able to feed the entire crew; or, at least Jak himself for a few days. Most likely what didn't get eaten was going into his 'secret stash'. "Who's hungry?"

"Uh, no thanks," Ratchet said, looking at his notes. "We already ate."

"Well, more for me then," Jak said as he took out and proceeded to eat a hispanky. When Ratchet looked up from his notepad, Jak was standing in front of him eating his sandwich.

"What'cha looking at," Jak said with a mouthful of burger. Bits of chewed meat and cheese flew from his mouth and onto Ratchet's face and notepad. The Lombax was about to go ballistic on Jak when he suddenly got a glimpse of the hispanky Jak was eating. Ratchet then got a really weird look in his eye, like he had just seen a ghost; or Qwark in his underwear.

"Is...is that..." Ratchet muttered.

"Hispanky," Jak said. "Want one?"

"Dddid...did you sssay...hi..hispanky..." Ratchet said, his tone almost made him sound deranged.

"Yep," Jak said. "The sauciest, meatiest, juiciest, cheesiest, greasiest, most delicious burger in the entire world."

Smoke was somehow bellowing out of the Lombax's ears, almost as if his brain was actually on fire, or short-circuiting; Ratchet even had that corresponding look on his face, much like a machine trying to process too much information. Jak also heard popping sounds, much like popcorn when it's cooking in the microwave, except they were coming from Ratchet's ears which led the blonde to wonder if Ratchet's brain was indeed exploding.

Ratchet suddenly snapped out of his stupor and instead a blank look on his face. Jak waved his hand in front of the Lombax's face, to which nothing happened. Jak was about to turn away when he suddenly heard Ratchet say quietly at first: "get...that...thing...AWAY FROM MEEE!"

Ratchet then proceeded to get out his mini-rocket tube and grabbed the sandwich from Jak's hand and shoved it into the loading mechanism of the weapon. Jak then watched in shock and horror, and also in slow-motion, as Ratchet pulled the trigger and the flaming burger left the barrel of the mini-rocket tube at over 300 miles per hour, flying through the sky and exploding a short time later, somewhere over the middle of the city. Due to the wind and height, bits of burger and wrapper were now falling from the sky and landing on the palace windows, on the streets, on buildings, in the port, and even in the stadium section. People were cheering loudly as they tried to catch the falling food in their mouths, burning them in the process since the bits were still flaming.

Jak was still gripping his face in horror as Ratchet cackled crazily and decided to go bigger and ran to grab the big bag from Jak's zoomer. Jak snapped out of his stupor just in time and ran in slow-motion with a "NNNNNOOOOOOOO!" over as Ratchet prepared to grab the bag and launch it. Jak got there just in time as he was able to grab the bag from Ratchet's hands, doing a roll before falling into the murky swamp water. Jak crawled out just in time to see Ratchet hop on his zoomer and drive away and through the security walls just like Jak, still laughing insanely.

"What was that about," Jak asked.

"You FOOL," one of Ratchet's crew members suddenly said. "Do you realize what you've done!"

"Nooo..." Jak said.

"You don't understand! When Ratchet left Dreadzone he became severely depressed! He soon became hopelessly addicted to fast food, online gaming, gambling, and daytime television!"

"Not daytime television?" Jak responded loudly, realizing now the severity of his actons. He remembered when Keira used to, and still does periodically, force him to watch her soap operas with her, including 'All My Precursors' and 'Guiding Haven'. Her favorite character was Rodrick, who had an evil twin brother with the same name and was always trying to undermine him. Just that thought made Jak shudder and realize how horrible of an experience it was for the Lombax. Also he believed being addicted to fast food would've made the Lombax extremely fat, which actually made Jak chuckle slightly.

"You must've given him some sort of relapse and now he's gone on a rampage," another of Ratchet's crew members said. "There's no telling what he'll do in his state of mind!"

"I'd better go alert Praxis," Jak said, grabbing another conveniently-parked zoomer, along with his McSpanky's bag, and driving off to the palace.

(At said palace)

Erol had, fortunately for Jak, gotten hold of the news beforehand, and was on his way down to Praxis's Garage, or what he called the 'Baron Cave', to report Ratchet's impending rampage. As soon as he arrived, however, he found his Baron hard at work on another one of his 'secret projects'; this project, however, seemed to be at the expense of Veger's toaster, though by now it didn't look anything like the appliance.

"Sir," Erol said as he walked into the garage. "There's something you should know about..."

"Ah, Erol, you're just in time," Praxis responded. "I've almost finished my new experiment. Come and see!"

"Is that Veger's toaster," Erol asked as he approached the workbench.

"Not anymore," Praxis said. "I've installed a turbo drive and some more fancy contraptions; now it will cook any frozen food to perfection in mere seconds!"

"I'd like to see that," Erol said sarcastically.

"You will now!" Praxis responded, taking Erol's sarcasm seriously. He then went over to his personal freezer and pulled out a box of frozen waffles and pulled two out of the box. After donning his mad-scientist-like goggles, Praxis placed the waffles into the slots in the super toaster and pressed down on the little handle-thingy. The toaster began making noises similar to an engine trying to start, rattling and spazing all over the workbench. After about 7 seconds, the toaster had stopped, and the waffles popped out of the toaster, cooked perfectly and landed on a plate Praxis held right under where they flew out of.

"Enrique!" Praxis yelled, throwing his fists into the air.

"Uh, sir, I think you mean 'eureka'," Erol responded as Praxis grabbed the toaster from the bench and held it out in his hands.

"No, Enrique is what I named it, not Eureka," Praxis said. "Pay attention for once, commander!"

Erol just shook his head as Praxis continued his victory speech.

"Do you know what this means? I'm a genius! People will flock to buy this kind of thing! Nothing could possibly go wrong!"

Indeed, Praxis had thought that he had invented the perfect cooking appliance; however, his dreams were shattered when his precious creation upright exploded in his hands. Erol had his racing mask on so it didn't affect him; the Baron, however, wasn't spared. Not only were his hands completely burned and singed from the explosion, but this facial hair was singed greatly; there was even a small fire on Praxis's mustache. Not to mention his eyebrows were burned off completely and his hair had thrust straight backwards and was all singed and frizzled. And it was all topped off by a nice black char on the whole top half of his body. Praxis coughed slightly as Erol lifted his mask up and licked his fingers and extinguished the flame on Praxis's mustache.

Praxis shook the char off his body, regaining his composure. He was about to weep in the loss of his machine when there was a crash heard by the two. Praxis and Erol turned around to see that Jak had arrived at the scene, driving through the garage doors and coming to a stop beside the two.

"What is it with you and driving through things," Erol asked. Jak just shrugged. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

"I was going to inform Praxis that Ratchet is going on a fast-food-destroying rampage right now," Jak responded.

"WHAT!" Praxis boomed half angrily and half shockingly, his voice shaking the palace and setting off some distant car alarms. "How did this happen!"

"It was my fault," Jak said.

"Figures," Erol muttered.

"I tried offering him a Hispanky, and..."

"You mean you didn't know about his..." Praxis started.

"Not until now," Jak finished.

"Then there's no time to waste. I'll be angry at you later, but for now, we must stop Ratchet before it's too late!"

"Quick! TO THE BARONMOBILE!" Jak yelled, he and Praxis running to the left of Erol.

"Sir, the Baronmobile's the other way," Erol called.

"I know that," Praxis said, coming back as Erol joined the two.

(Batman theme plays)

The three then hopped into the Baron's prized ride, now painted white instead of it's usual black color, since Praxis said that black wasn't inconspicuous enough; how Praxis even knew what that word meant was beyond Erol. Praxis hopped into the front, which now just held one seat, since the baron got sick and tired of 'sitting next to Erol and his unbearable body odor', which was just to cover up the fact he was the one with the bad B.O.. Praxis had also installed a replica of his throne chair into the van, taking the place of the original seat. Whether or not this was a replica or the real thing was up for debate; many witnesses say that whenever Praxis went for a joyride with his Baronmobile, his throne seems to have mysteriously disappeared, as if the baron had actually physically removed it and put it into the van. However, the throne seat is welded, bolted, and even cemented into the floor, making that seem impossible; this is Praxis we're talking about, though.

Jak and Erol took their places in the back seat as the Baron began revving the engine, the van soon coming to life as Praxis shifted into drive, punching the gas pedal and doing a quick burnout before speeding out of the garage, through the same hole that Jak had made earlier, and towards Ratchet.

(insert scene transition of a swirling screen with Praxis, Erol, and Jak's faces going back and forth)

Indeed, Ratchet had gone on a massive city-wide fast food destroying rampage that had many citizens fleeing in terror. He had destroyed everything, including Bob's Taco Bar, the Sub Hut, General Crispywing's, and UFO's Pizza. Now, only one building stood in his way.

"You..." Ratchet said to himself, eying the last building on his list of restaurants to destroy. He stood menacingly on the docks of the water slums, mere feet away from it's hallowed doors. This one plagued him the most; it was this very restaurant that caused Ratchet's downfall before, and he would not let it happen to him again. Yes, for him to have salvation and satisfaction, he must get rid of it...

Unbeknownst to the Lombax, Praxis had soon arrived at the water slums, driving that van of his at a record 65 miles per hour. Several citizens were forced to jump into the water to avoid Praxis, but some were unfortunate to be caught not paying attention and were never heard from again...for a few hours.

"OUT OF MY WAY," the baron spat from a loudspeaker attached to the top of his prized vehicle, as he zoomed through the wooden walkways that weren't meant for wheeled vehicles. The loose boards and uneven pathways made the Baronmobile vibrate and bounce horribly, but Praxis seemed unfazed, a determined look on his face as he was hunched over the steering wheel. It seems the baron believed that the further he hunched, the faster the car would go, but all it did was shift the weight more to the front of the vehicle, making it seem like the car was actually tilting forward. Jak and Erol also seemed unfazed, as they had been playing 'go fish' since they departed.

"Ratchet ho," Praxis commanded as the trio now had a view of the Lombax in the distance, holding his R.Y.N.O. in preparation for total annihilation of his target; McSpanky's. All three of them knew that if this building got destroyed, then it would result in a massive civilian riot. Any riots, especially ones that included Torn, Jak, Damas, Praxis, or even Gordon, were never any good for the city.

The baron suddenly stomped on the brakes, the van skidding to a halt many yards from where Ratchet was standing. Weather or not those were the real breaks or just Praxis's foot since most likely he had just put a hole in the floor of the van doing said action was questionable, though people watch say they could see sparks on the ground courtesy of Praxis's metal-reinforced boot.

"Sir, why are you stopping," Erol asked.

"It's a sneak attack," Praxis responded. "If we just charge head-long, it could scare him and set of an accidental discarge!"

"So what do we do, then," Jak asked.

"This," Praxis responded, as he hit a button on the dashbaord. Erol and Jak's seats suddenly shot backward as the roof of the van retracted, the seats then angling forward slightly. He then flicked open his shifter to reveal a red button inside. "Now go stop Ratchet before he destroys McSpanky's," he finished, pushing the button. Erol and Jak were launched out of the van at relatively high speed, Erol screaming and flailing in the air. Jak, however, seemed to be enjoying himself, as he was now in a laying-back position in the air.

"Now what," Erol asked.

"Keep him busy, I've got an idea," Jak responded, stretching out more so that he flew ahead of Erol, crashing into the window of McSpanky's. Ratchet saw the crash and turned around just in time to see Erol flying at the lombax, letting out some kind of battle yell. Erol then tackled Ratchet as they both fell into the water, a fistfight ensuing once they fell in.

(Shows brief clip of Jak wating in line inside of McSpanky's)

Erol and Ratchet had soon gotten out of the water due to loss of oxygen, and were now pummeling each other on ground level. Ratchet had soon taken out his wrench and was whacking Erol with it, to which the commander retaliated by mugging a passing Veger of his walking staff, and bashing Ratchet with that.

(Shows another clip of Jak, this time at the front counter ordering food)

Ratchet and Erol's fight now continued up the docks, as Ratchet had now resorted to using weaponry. Erol's pistol wasn't doing much, but he had soon realized he forgot he was the Krimson Guard commander. Erol then ordered all the available KG's in the area to assist him in subduing the Lombax.

(Shows short clip of Jak sitting in a booth eating his order)

Erol's strategy hadn't worked out as well as he'd hoped, as the Lombax easily gravity-bombed all the incoming packs of KG, sending them flying into walls and the water where they drowned. Erol had wondered how, even after all their intense physical training, his guards didn't know how to swim. Erol was soon shaken from that thought as a gravity bomb exploded by him, sending him flying into a distant building, breaking the door down. Ratchet followed as the fists came back out again, fighting inside this random person's house...

(Meanwhile)

Gordon was finally able to relax for once in the span of three days. He was now lying in his bathtub soaking, unaware of the crashing, banging, grunting, and glass-breaking noises coming from his door. As he started to drift off, however, his door was violently ripped off it's hinges, as Erol came flying into his bathroom. Erol was suddenly frozen at the sight; not exaxtly at Gordon, but at the fact that he had pink walls and a white ceiling and tiles.

"Uh...I can explain..." Gordon said.

Erol was about to respond when Ratchet came running in with his gravity bomb, screeching like a maniac. Ratchet leaped at Erol, another fistfight ensuing, before Ratchet accidentally pulled the trigger on his gun, causing an explosion inside the room and blowing out Gordon's wall, also causing the floor to angle downwards. Ratchet and Erol were flung out of the house in the blast, but Gordon stayed in his tub, as it slowly slid off the floor.

"No...no..no, no NOOOOO!" Gordon yelled as his tub hit the ground below and shattered, Gordon just sitting there nude in the puddle of water. Lamarr soon wandered outside and began to try and scrape at the water, trying to apparently drink it. "Eeeuh, that has all my stank of the day in it," Gordon said. "That's nasty."

(Meanwhile)

Jak had somehow fallen asleep during the course of these events, sloched in the booth snoring loudly. The employees and patrons and gotten annoyed so an employee went over and tapped Jak on the shoulder.

"Sir, sir," she said.

"Uh, ghh, hah," Jak asked as he woke up.

"Sir, you fell asleep and have been snoring for the past few minutes," she responded.

"Oh...wait," Jak said, suddenly remembering what he had came in there to do originally. He checked his bag that now held just one sandwich left, and got up and exited the restaurant.

Back outside, Ratchet and Erol had used up all there energy, the two being bruised, battered, beaten, etc., although Erol had without a doubt taken the worst of the two. As they lied on the boardwalk panting heavily, Jak arrived on site with his bag in hand.

"Where the...HELL...were...you," Erol asked in between pants.

"Eatin'," Jak responded, pulling out his remaining hispanky. Almost immediately, Ratchet caught scent of the burger, jumping up and reached to attack Jak. Jak swiftly dodged out of the way and grabbed the lombax, throwing him to the ground. Erol pinned Ratchet down as Jak began to bring the sandwich closer to Ratchet, the lombax flinging his head around. He, however, couldn't keep his eyes off of its greasy, cheesy, beefy, saucy, juicy deliciousness for long, and his eyes soon to get really wide. He then grabbed the hamburger and shoved it into his mouth, devouring it within seconds and laughing crazily, running off in a random direction hooting like a maniac.

"THAT was your PLAN," Erol asked. "To get Ratchet hooked back on fast food!"

"No need to thank me," Jak said, to which Erol got this really crazed, rage-filled look in his eye.

"THANK YOU! YOU were inside McSpanky's for TEN minutes EATING while I was out HERE getting MY ass PUMMELED! And all of a sudden YOU think YOU deserve THANKS!"

"Well I did stop him from destroying the place, didn't I," Jak responded. Erol was going to yell something back when he realized Jak did indeed keep Ratchet from causing a massive city-wide riot.

"But now Ratchet's going to be addicted to fast food again, and be obnoxiously fat and won't be able to act anymore until he gets help," Erol said after a brief pause.

"Oh, pfft, you're kidding yourself, E," Jak responded. "That'll never happen. Come on, let's go home."

"Uh, only one problem," Erol said as he looked into the distance to see that the Baronmobile had disappeared. "It seems Praxis has abandoned us."

"No problem," Jak said, grabbing a two-seated zoomer, Erol hopping into the passenger's seat. "Now...to the palace!"

(At the Palace)

Ashelin and Torn actually finally were able to get some alone time since Praxis was out saving the city, or destroying it, and were currently lying on Ashelin's bed reading her latest issue of 'Teen Buzz Weekly'. However, that silence soon stopped as there was a knock at her door. The two ignored it, and eventually the knocking went away. Unfortunately for Ashelin's door, that pause soon followed with a 'smash', to which said door, just like Erol's door earlier that morning, was forced off its hinges and landed in splintered heaps all over Ashelin's red carpet. Praxis had then appeared inside the doorway holding his 'parental battering ram'.

"Erm, I can...explain..." Torn said with a cheeky smile.

"YOU AGAIN," Praxis spat. "I thought I got rid of you for good last time..."

"Eh, I...erm, it's...not what you'd think..." Torn stammered. Praxis then spotted a granola bar by Torn.

"And you've been stealing my granola bars yet AGAIN YOU SCOUNDRAL!"

"Whoa, dude, this isn't from here, I brought this from home, I swear," Torn responded.

"LIES," Praxis spat, grabbing Torn from Ashelin's bed and booming off to the elevator. Ashelin just put her face in her hands as minutes later a 'Kaboom' was heard, followed by a high-pitched, girly scream she assumed was Torn's as he flew through the sky and landed somewhere in the slums. Ashelin just leaned back in her bed wondering what would happen if her and Torn were married...

(Meanwhile)

"Welcome to McSpanky's, how may we spank your order," The girl at the counter inside McSpanky's asked the next customer.

"TEN TRILLION HITHPANKEEESSS!"

The counter girl looked up to see that Ratchet was leaning over the counter with a deranged, crazed look in his eyes, foaming at the mouth slightly. She also saw that Ratchet had pushed, wrenched, and even shot away and injured several people in line before him.

"Uh, sir, I don't think we can make that many in one sitting," the counter girl responded. Ratchet then pointed his RYNO at the girl. "Fejj, can you make this one quick?"

"No problem, dude," Fejj responded from the back, and somehow within five minutes he had managed to make Ratchet's order, if you would call it that. The thing was that they had to get dollies and several large crates to haul all those burgers into a large truck and then ship it over to Ratchet's apartment.

"You're total is 15 trillion orbs," the counter girl said after the last of the burgers was hauled out. Ratchet threw down a gigantic sack of orbs onto the table and ran off like a maniac to his 'pretties'. How Ratchet had 15 trillion orbs readily available was beyond everyone inside the restaurant. Some say it was his earnings from all his movies stashed away, some even say he mugged everyone inside the restaurant and some outside, even Veger who was still out from the beating he took from Erol. And some say that Praxis gave it to him. None the less, he would jump into the back of the truck and begin going to town on those sandwiches, getting obnoxiously fat in the process, and would have to be lifted out of the truck with heavy machinery...

**Does anyone else wonder why the Krimson Guards can't swim when they fall into water but the citizens can? Don't forget to review while pondering that thought.**


	11. One Plus One Equals Jak

**Figured I'd get this up since it was stuck in my head. Most of you don't know, but I'm a pretty big Ed, Edd, n Eddy fan, so I wondered what would happen if I crossed the cartoon with Jak and Daxter? This is a parody of one of my all-time favorite episodes, one+one=Ed. I've replaced all the Ed Edd n eddy characters with Jak and Daxter characters, and re-arranged the lines to better fit them. So, without further delay, I give you: one+one=Jak.**

Chapter 11: 1+1= Jak

Daxter was asleep in his bed after midnight one night, when he began to hear flies buzzing around. Daxter swatted at them to go away, rolling over and opening his eyes slightly. He suddenly shot awake when he saw that Jak was lying awake in his bed.

"AH! Jak! What are you doing in my bed," Daxter yelled.

"I can't sleep Daxter," Jak responded. "I keep thinking, how can my feet smell if they don't have a nose?"

Daxter looked at him confused before saying quietly: "Jak?"

"Hm," Daxter responded.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM," Daxter yelled, shoving Jak out of his bed with his foot, Jak falling to the ground seconds later. Daxter then went back to sleep.

"Ow...my buttocks hurts," Jak said to himself before standing up and eying Daxter's lava lamp. "Hm...why does goo float?"

"Hit the road," Daxter yelled back, opening his eyes to a disturbing sight: Jak had ate his lava lamp, his eyes looking like said decoration. "(Gasp) my lamp!"

"Daxter," Jak asked once again, picking up Daxter by his tail. "Why don't birds just take a bus south for the winter?"

Daxter pouted as Jak carried him off to wherever Jak felt like going.

(a few hours later)

The two had made their way to the kitchen of Daxter's house, where the ottsel was now using a kitchen cabinet as a bed while Jak continued asking him questions.

"Daxter, when you close the fridge door, does the little light stay on," Jak asked as he repeatedly closed and opened the door.

"GO HOME," Daxter spat as he tried to sleep again, Jak still opening and closing the door.

"Hello light...hello light...hello light...hello light...hello light..."

(Hours later)

It was now morning, and Daxter had not gotten any sleep that night. He now had a dazed, sleepy, crazy look on his face, as Jak, yes, asked him more questions.

"Daxter, carrots are good for your eyes; can it dial a phone?"

Daxter had now had enough of Jak's constant questioning, as he leaped out of his cabinet bed, clutching Jak's shirt.

"If you're going to strain your peanut brain, think of something more important," Daxter responded. "Like...how to get your face on a dollar bill!"

Jak looked at him confused before saying: "Daxter, why is someone in the kitchen with Dina?"

"Uh..." Jak responded. "Is Torn up yet?"

(Meanwhile)

Torn was currently in the garage of his house (AKA the underground), taking apart something. He pulled off some component of the item, laughing slightly.

"Heh, how embarrassing," he said. "Seems to be a 15 amp Resistor! What a thought; my, I love knowledge!"

"HEYA TORN," Daxter yelled, coming out of nowhere. Torn leaped into the air, screaming slightly, Jak catching him soon after.

"Daxter, you know I hate that," Torn yelled, then seeing he was being held by Jak. "Oh, hello Jak."

"What are you doing to this toaster, is it busted or what," Daxter said, grabbing the object and looking at it before shaking it. "Where's the toast go, anyway?"

"First of all, Daxter," Torn responded, taking the item from Daxter. "Toast doesn't go in a toaster, bread does. Second, it's actually an antique radio. I disassembled it, Daxter, in order to understand how it works."

"You're a riot, Torn," Daxter said.

"Think how if we knew everything, we would be..." Torn started, but then Daxter interrupted him.

"If we knew everything, we'd be sooo famous," Daxter said, but then struck an idea. "Wait, yeah, and RICH."

"Like potato salad," Jak asked off topic.

"Well," Torn began, but was once again cut off by Daxter.

"I see Jawbreakers," Daxter said, grabbing Torn. "Loads of them! I'd never thought I'd say this, but, let's learn!"

"That's the spirit, let's get educated," Torn responded. "Shall we begin our journey of knowledge at Jak's house?"

"We're gonna be eggheads! Rich eggheads," Daxter said as they exited towards Jak's house.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck," Jak added.

(At Jak's house)

The three had soon arrived to Jak's house, getting ready to open his garage door. When they did, however, they were stunned at the amount of things in his garage.

"Egads," Torn said.

"Garages are for zoomers, Jak," Daxter commented.

"Why thank you," Jak responded.

"Where do we begin," Torn asked.

"Oh, oh, I know, let's take this apart first," Jak said, grabbing a clothes washing machine from the pile and chucking it towards Daxter and Torn. Torn shrieked slightly as the appliance landed on Daxter.

"Uh...Dax..." Torn asked.

"Look at what I found," Jak said, mysteriously busting out of the side of the washing machine holding Daxter. "One Daxter, and a whole bunch of doohickeys! I took it apart, Torn! Am I smart now?"

"Yes, well, let's not ask for miracles, Jak," Torn responded, jotting down some notes as he examined the parts.

"You're enjoying this, aren't ya," Daxter asked.

"Oh, and what's this," Jak asked, holding a part from the machine in his hand.

"Spin it, Jak, and learn," Torn responded, as Jak spun the device. His tongue got caught in the spinner and soon his face became wrapped around the cone.

"It's a face scruncher, cool," Jak said.

"Let's see what makes this old dresser tick," Daxter said as he pulled on a piece of fabric, a bra soon emerging from the dresser. "WHOHOO! PG13..."

"That's my mom's, Dax," Jak said. Daxter suddenly dropped the bra in horror.

"eeeaugh," Daxter said, Torn laughing at this.

"I haven't learned a thing," Daxter responded, Jumping on top of Torn's head. " Come on, let's go find some more stuff!"

"Daxter, must you be so rough," Torn asked.

"Is it my turn to jump on your head," Jak asked.

"Let's just...follow Daxter, Jak," Torn responded, leaving.

"Follow the leader," Jak yelled, leaping off-screen and presumably onto the other two as pain noises were heard.

(Later)

In Spargus, Damas was busy tending to his garden in the backyard of the palace, currently cleaning out his chicken coop.

"Not again," he said, pulling his pet pig Kliever out of the box. "How many times must Damas purge himself? No strange visitors, ever!"

Damas then carried his pig over to another end of the farm, to a mound of manure.

"Do not burn he candle at both ends, as it leads to the life of a hairdresser," He said as he set Kliever down on the pile.

"The plywood of this coop has some unusual characteristics," Torn, who had just now showed up at Damas's palace, said as the three had taken apart Damas's chicken coop somehow.

"Wow, wood," Daxter said, holding a piece of the coop.

"What is the meaning of this," Damas yelled as he came up to them.

"We're trying to solve the mysteries of life," Torn responded.

"This reminds Damas of a fable from his own country," Damas responded.

"Here we go," Daxter commented as Damas walked up to a nearby tree.

"The story of the ugly boy and the tree of heads!"

"Well, it's been swell, Damas, but we're out of here," Daxter said as he began to walk away.

"Life too short not to smell the parsley," Damas said, stopping Daxter and grouping the four around the tree. "OK; once there was an ugly boy who ran away from his village, and hit his melon on a tree! The boy looked up to see the beautiful heads growing from the tree," Damas continued.

"Handsome," Jak said.

"After many tries," Damas said, putting a fruit on his head and pulling it off, his head disappearing.

"What the..." Daxter began, but then Damas's head popped out.

"He found one that fit, and ran back to the village! Then, he became very popular!"

"Oh, I want a new head Damas," Jak said, grabbing the tree. "Please, Damas? Head for Jak!"

Jak suddenly uprooted the tree, and when he turned the tree over, it suddenly became flat.

"What a discovery," Torn said, coming over to the tree. "It's flat as cardboard!"

"Give me that," Daxter yelled as he dragged the tree over to him, but it soon fell onto him.

"Heavy in weight, got it," Torn commented. "Thank you, Daxter."

Daxter was able to break out of the tree trunk and ran up the length of it, stopping at what would have been the leaves, but was now just flat wood."You guys gotta see...this," Daxter began as he looked ove the tree, but stopped when it began to fall, taking him in the process.

"I best tend to his medical needs! Excuse me," Torn said, running after Daxter.

"My turn to jump on his head," Jak said, running after Torn.

"Life has many doors, you three," Damas yelled as they ran away.

(Meanwhile)

"Whoa...big...treee...flat," Daxter mumbled as he stumbled away from the scene, suddenly tripping over a house somehow. Daxter jiggled the chimney of the house, saying: "Einstein's got nothin' on this!"

"What a discovery, I'm speechless," Torn said. "I mean, this is a (don't know what the word is he says), the displacement of perspective..."

"I thought your were speechless," Daxter asked.

"Look at me run," Jak said as he ran aimlessly, then tripped and somehow slid under the street pavement. "Home free!"

"The pavement has adapted fabric-like qualities," Torn said excitedly. "Interesting!"

"He'll never find his way out," Daxter said with a laugh, as he stood on the house he had tripped over earlier. The house then suddenly collapsed under his weight. "I say we take a break, this learnin' stuff's making me hungry," he continued, raising his hand at the end of his sentence. His hand actually somehow hit the sun without burning him.

"Did you see that? Weird," Daxter said, checking again to make sure he wasn't seeing things. "Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, eat 'em!" Daxter then grabbed the sun from the sky and took a bite out of it. "Mm...not bad!"

"Jumpin' Jehoshaphat," Vin, who had been wandering around Spargus the past few hours for no real reason, exclaimed, shivering frantically. "Who turned out the sun!"

"Hiya Vin," Jak said out of the blue, scaring the foreman so bad he fainted.

"Lighten up, shrimp," Daxter said as he pulled Vin out of this spell. "We're just figuring out how stuff works." Daxter then eyed a thread protruding from Vin's shirt. He began to pull it, and it unraveled Vin's shirt, but then seemed to be lodged into Vin himself. Daxter then yanked at the thread, and Vin's whole entire outline was pulled right off him.

"Is that Vin's outline," Torn asked with a grin.

"You betcha," Daxter said. "Let's sell it back to him!"

"Fate has dealt a cruel hand," Vin monologued as his liquid form slid into a nearby drain. "Darn it!"

Daxter began playing with Vin's outline as Torn said: "Uh, Dax, you'd best not aggravate it..."

"Like my new hairdo, Torn," Daxter said as he posed with a hairstyle he made with Vin's outline.

"It suits you, Dax...JAK," Torn spat.

"This is fun," Jak said as he sawed a hole in the sky; however, he soon revealed Seem, Rayn, and Ashelin bathing inside of the hole.

"Big Jak, scrub my feet," Seem said as she held out a scrub brush. The girls laughed as Jak somehow shoved the hole away, Daxter walking over with a giggle seconds later.

"Did you see anything," he asked before stepping over where the sky had fell, creating a hole. "What the..." Daxter said before falling into the hole.

"Uh, Dax," Jak said as Daxter fell back into the screen, but just fell back into the hole again. "Dax," Jak asked again as Daxter fell from the same place again. "My turn!"

Jak then picked up the hole as Daxter fell but landed on the ground with a thud, Jak sticking his head into the hole and having it pop back out above them. "Look at me!"

"Jak, you seem to have stumbled into another dimension," Torn said, writing down more notes. "I feel we're getting closer to answering that all important question!"

"Is Daxter rich yet," Daxter said slyly.

"Can Jak go to the bathroom," Jak said, grabbing onto the hole as it condensed into a long snake.

"JAK," Keira yelled, popping out of the hole.

"Keira," Jak asked confused.

"Keira," Torn said also confused, writing more notes.

"Wait'll I tell daddy what you did to Vin," Keira said, holding a pitcher with Vin's liquid form inside it.

"Don't spill me," Vin said.

"Oh, what a shame, you have to go? So soon," Daxter responded, grabbing Keira and hoisting her up. He then ran in place, getting some kind of foot vortex going, and dropped Keira into it.

"Daxter, you blockhead," Keira yelled as Daxter let her go, Keira speeding off into the distance.

"We could very well be the next cover story of 'intellectual discoveries magazine'," Torn said happily.

"Good thing you're housebroken," Daxter commented as Torn looked up into the sky with an uneasy look on his face.

"Don't look now, but there's a cow...hovering just overhead..." He said, and indeed Damas's cow was floating in the sky, along with several other things. "I feel uncomfortable...pardon me," Torn finished, excusing himself from the three and running down a long, weird pathway.

"Hold the elevator, Torn," Daxter said, leaving shortly after.

"Jak," both of them yelled as the blond was still standing there. He then ran crazily up to them, yelling: "Am I it?"

"Torn, we've learned into fortune," Daxter said.

"Don't let the excitement spoil your grammar, Dax," Torn responded.

"Look around; we've gotta be rich..."Daxter said.

"EVERYTHING'S BROKEN! FIX IT NOW!"

Keira had suddenly popped back out of a dollhouse floating in the background, yelling into Daxter's ear.

"Shut your mouth Keira," Daxter responded. "Or better yet, get rid of it!"

Daxter then yanked off Keira's mouth, Keira looking shocked. "I love taking things apart," he commented, but then Keira's mouth somehow bit Daxter and latched onto his cheek. "Get her off, Torn," Daxter yelled.

"Not a chance," Torn said, giggling.

"Keira," Daxter yelled as the scene began warping again, the path moving up and down.

"Hm, an original scene transition, interesting," Torn said, as everything went black. Their eyes soon showed up, but nothing else. "Did you eat the sun again, Daxter," Torn asked.

"Can you guess what I'm doing," Jak asked.

"Get off my foot, Jak," Daxter commented.

"I think we're moving, Daxter," Torn responded, as it was revealed that they were inside Erol's eye.

"I can hear dorks, but I can't see dorks," he said as he drove around in loops. "Come on out and show yourselves!"

The smoke from his bike soon took up the whole screen and cleared out seconds later, showing another strange background, this time Jak was sitting in a hovering chair in front of a cloud.

"Mm, cotton gravy," Jak said as he went to take a bite of the cloud.

"Careful Jak, you don't know where that's been," Torn responded.

"Oh, it's right here, Torn," Jak said. There was then a sudden horse noise as the two turned and saw Sig...or, what they thought was Sig, in a lage backpack, his poopsie bear becoming his head and he carried his own head in his hand.

"Tally ho, me and poopsie are gonna rough it in the woods," Sig said, as he moved along.

"This is not good," Torn said as Tess, or, some weird lizard-like version of Tess, soon showed up after.

"Care to join us, Torn," she asked. Torn just mumbled.

"Was that Tess," Daxter asked, as they suddenly turned sideways.

"You realize we're floating, don't you," Torn said. The two then suddenly dropped to the ground, as Damas then suddenly opened the background and walked out.

"Hello, everyone," Damas said. He suddenly then grew two more heads. "Many doors, yes?" "Two much for," the second head said. "Couch potatoes like yourselves," the third head said.

"A three-headed damas...yawn," Daxter commented. Jak was then seen somehow blowing into the cloud from before like a balloon, inflating it and floating away.

"Fly butterfly, fly," he said.

"Jak, what are you doing," Daxter asked as he flew by them.

"The story is not yet over," Damas said.

"Oh Jak, please," Torn said as he grabbed hold of Jak.

"I gotcha," Daxter said, grabbing Torn. Damas groaned as the two floated upwards.

"How's he put on a hat," Daxter asked. "Are we rich yet, Torn?"

"It's all becoming very complicated, Dax," Torn said as Daxter crawled up to him.

"What are you talking about? All we have to do is ready your notes! And we'll be up to our necks in jawbreakers!"

"I love chickens, eddy," Jak said, as the cloud floated up to a sharp pencil, and popped. The three then fell, Torn's notepad flying up and all the notes falling in sheets as the three landed roughly on the ground below.

"My notes," Torn yelled as they drifted downwards. However, it was all revealed to be a hallucination, as they had ended up in the alley, Keira, Tess, Erol, Damas, Vin, and Sig all staring at them. The three continued to scoop up Torn's notes, as Erol said: "What are you dorks doing?"

"Uh...nothing," Jak, Torn, and Daxter said in unison.

"Right, except for being..." Erol began.

"Dorks," Keira finished for him.

"Yeah..."

"Can't we all just get along," Vin said, who was sitting in a red wagon.

"Vin, buddy, you got your line back," Jak said happily as he came up and began moving Vin around. "Is it on wrong?"

"Jak, leave Vin alone," Keira yelled as she picked Jak up and placed him to the side of her.

"Baby sister, take your mouth off again," Jak said, yanking and Keira's mouth.

"I think Jak's lost it," Damas muttered.

There was then a loud 'thunk', as Jak slid over to Torn and Daxter, saying: "Keira's mad."

"OOAAAAAAGGGHHH!" Keira yelled frantically.

"Run for it," Daxter yelled as the three ran for dear life. Daxter and Torn dove into a manhole as Keira approached them faster and faster.

"Wait'll I get my hands on you," Keira yelled.

"It's OK, guys, I'll just pick up the hole," Jak said, still thinking he was in crazy world.

"This is unsanitary," Torn spat as Jak somehow pulled the whole entire pipe out from the ground, running with it.

"JAAAAAAAK," Daxter and Torn yelled as Jak continued to run away from Keira...

**I think I did a good job with this. This should be good for a while until I get another update out of me. Review.**


	12. Jakrun, part 1

Chapter 12: Jakrun, Part 1

Unfortunately, Erol's predictions had come true, as Ratchet had, in the span of a few weeks, gone into yet another fast-food-eating binge, getting obnoxiously fat and out of shape. He still continued to film in spite of this, though, but at the price of having to take five-minute breaks during more demanding and intense scenes, due to his health. He also, during those breaks, munched down a few Spankyburgers, making the break seem pointless. Even Helga, Qwark's personal trainer, couldn't get Ratchet back into shape.

Eventually, after a few weeks, Ratchet's time in Haven passed, and he departed under the watch of his fans (who were held off by almost the entire squad of KG), though barely able to get his ship to fly. This was because of the excess weight in the cab, presumably because of Ratchet's health, and/or his three-years' supply (or in his, or even Jak's case, a three weeks' supply) of McSpanky's.

Jak was on his way to the Underground the day after Ratchet's departure to clock in for his shift when he pulled up to a red light. As he sat at the light, none other than Veger pulled up beside Jak in his brand new moped; why Veger decided to buy a moped was beyond Jak. It was a humorous sight, too; the count was dressed in his usual attire, with a bike helmet and pads strapped onto him. He also seemed to be wearing a fringe Jacket, and even goggles. Jak then got a funny idea and revved his engine a couple times; Veger responded by revving his engine, saying he wanted a drag race to the next light. Jak hunched over his steering wheel as Veger hunched over the front of his moped, waiting for the traffic light to turn green. When it did, both drivers shot from their spots, clocking in at a solid 50 mph for each.

"Give it up, Jak, I'm too fast for you," Veger called as they neared the next light. However, just as he said that, his moped began slowing down. Yes, the moped's engine sadly wasn't built for such high speeds, as sputtering noises soon followed and Veger's moped bellowed out smoke. Jak zoomed passed the count and past the light for the win, Veger's cries of "Why can't Mom ever buy me nice things" soon being heard, mourning the loss of his ride.

As Jak gloried in his victory over Veger, however, he began to feel the need to race more. Thus, Jak decided he would field the greatest race of all, something even more intense than drag-racing Veger to the finish line, or even the race to the palace cafeteria by the whole Krimzon Guard before Praxis cleans out the place; especially if it happens to be all you can eat Meatloaf Tuesdays...

-x-x-x-x-x-

Torn, meanwhile, was relaxing in the Underground admiring all the cleaning he had just done to the room. He admired how his table was neatly arranged like usual: coffee mug sat at the top left corner, his pen and pencil container on the upper right. His nameplate arranged perfectly center. He looked at his walls, eying his new 'anti-baron' and 'anti-Erol' posters that were perfectly arranged. His bookshelf had all of its books organized not only alphabetically, but also by topic. His shelf full of cups, silverware, and plates was neatly organized. Torn sank back in the recliner he'd just bought, smiling at how everything was just perfect.

But as Torn looked at the clock, his face turned from relaxed joy to utter terror. For it was indeed 9:30 AM; that dreaded time of the day where..._**HE**_ would arrive. Torn could see it now: first, there would be a sudden 'smash', followed by the Underground door being flung off its hinges and in some random direction, usually straight forward where it would land on his desk and crush it, destroying everything on it as well. The shock wave from the crash would cause his shelves to collapse, breaking his plates and cups, getting his utensils dirty, as well as fling his books all over the room and out of order. It would also dislodge his posters, sending them floating to the ground. And of course, last would be the lone zoomer that hung just to his left falling down and getting dented, possibly exploding somehow.

His perfect day in shambles, Torn could do nothing else except look up and see the cause of this mayhem walk in with an obliviously oblivious smile on his face. After calling Torn one of his usual nicknames such as 'T-man', 'T-dawg', 'Torn-ster', 'Big T', or just 'T', he'd usually have some sort of quip for the day or some kind of plan or idea. Torn would then instantly begin a rant about his money and insurance, to which he would respond by zoning out and only returning once Torn had finished, having no idea what he would be talking about. Torn would then finally give in, and he would tell Torn his two cents, thus beginning another crazy chapter in this fic.

Torn cringed at the thought and instantly leaped from his chair and under his desk, waiting for the inevitable destruction. But there was nothing. No crash, no door being flung off, no mayhem, no oblivious smile, nothing. Torn tensed up when he heard the door open causally, seeing Jak walk in normally; he also didn't have his usual oblivious smile, just a blank expressionless face. It wasn't happy, but it wasn't sad, either, it was just a neutral, bored look. Torn crawled out from his desk cautiously, thinking it could be a trap still as Jak strolled down the steps.

"Torn..." Jak began, but Torn instantly started his usual rant.

"I'm stopping you right there Jak," Torn said.

"Why?"

"Because every time you come in here and say my name before anything else, it ALWAYS leads to some plan or idea of yours that costs ME money! So don't even say anything more!"

"OK," Jak said with a shrug. "See ya."

Jak walked out the door, Torn completely shocked. Jak did the exact opposite of everything Torn thought he would. Torn cackled happily and sulked back down into his chair, smiling smugly. For once in Torn's life, Jak actually bothered to listen to him. Torn relaxed back into his earlier state, his eyes shutting as he sighed deeply...

*CRASH*

Torn's happy face suddenly turned back into his normal slightly gruff face as he opened his eyes to see that Jak had just did another 180 on him, this time back to what he'd normally do.

"Ah, just kiddin' with ya," Jak said with his usual peppy, oblivious tone as he strolled in. "So, anyway, as I was saying before..."

"No," Torn said.

"But I haven't even said anything yet," Jak replied.

"Do I have to repeat what I just said a few seconds ago?"

"Uh..."

Torn began his rant yet again, Jak zoning out just like Torn knew he would.

"And that's why not..." Torn finished.

"Huh, sorry, what was that again," Jak asked, just coming back to reality. Torn just smacked his forehead.

"Uh...why do I still put up with you," he mumbled quietly. "OK, fine, what do you want?"

"Torn, I say we race," Jak announced. He then paused, expecting a response from Torn.

"OK...um, what...kind of race," Torn asked.

"A race to find out who is the best of racing, of course," Jak said. "Is there any other kind?"

"I guess not..." Torn said, still having no clue where Jak was going with this.

"Then it's settled," Jak said. "We race in Spargus at noon! Get a partner and choose your vehicle! I must now go and invite more racers!"

Torn watched Jak run to his zoomer and slowly back out of the underground, causing slightly more structural damage in addition to the large hole now present where the door used to be, and from the sounds of things running over a couple of civilians before making his way towards the palace. Torn took on final mourning look at his shambled headquarters before sighing and heading off to find Ashelin, participating in yet another shenanigan of Jak's.

(Meanwhile)

Erol sat in the lounge room of the Palace, slugging his second cup of coffee for the morning, just barely awake. He was still dressed in his pajamas, as he was currently too lazy to get dressed properly, and also had some scattered stubble about his face. Erol was about to drift off again when he heard the door to the Palace entrance open up. The commander wondered who could be here this early in the morning, as Veger wasn't awake yet and Praxis was doing things Praxis normally does at this hour, which made Erol slightly nervous now that he thought of it.

Erol then realized that there was only one person in the whole city who would dare bother the residents of the palace so early, and a look of horror suddenly replaced his current tired expression. Erol tried to get up and run from this menace, but realized there wasn't anything he could do as the door to the lounge began to open. Erol just sighed and hoped that he wouldn't be noticed by...

"Whazzup, E-Dawg," Jak said to Erol as he walked into the lounge room.

"_Crap,"_ Erol thought. He still continued to not pay attention, glancing over to see Jak's trademark smile. Erol recognized such a smile; it could only mean Jak had another one of those 'ideas' of his.

"Wanna race, Erol?" Jak asked.

"No, now go away," Erol said, but before Jak had a chance to rebuttal, Erol's brain had finally become alert enough to process what Jak had just said. Erol suddenly panicked, diving up from his seat and over to Jak, forcing his hand over Jak's mouth. "Jak, you fool! Don't say that word here!"

"What word?" Jak asked, his voice muffled.

"You know...the...'R' word..." Erol said, still terrified and glancing around the lounge room like a madman.

"Uh...oh, wait, you mean 'race'?" Jak asked. Erol tensed up at the word again.

"Yes, that one," Erol quietly yelled. "We don't use words like that around here; at least not very loud...because...'you-know-who' might hear it..."

"You mean Praxis," Jak replied. Erol nodded his head quickly, still glancing around for any sign of Baron-based activity. "And what's wrong with using...that word?" Jak asked.

"Because...even if it's not directed at him, when he hears those kinds of words, especially race, he takes it as a challenge. And when he's challenged...well, Praxis-based destruction happens. Just like any other things the baron is involved in," Erol said.

"You just said 'race' three times," Jak said. "And at normal volume."

Erol suddenly clutched his mouth in horror, darting around and sighing when he didn't hear anything. He was about to shoo Jak out when there was a sudden 'creak' of the floor above him. Erol suddenly froze up, as the creaking stopped and then the grinding (and from the sounds of things, struggling) of gears was heard, and a low rumble. Erol realized this to be the Palace elevator moving, and judging by the noises of it, something very heavy was on it. Erol screamed girlishly and began running around, diving at the window of the lounge in an attempt to escape, but instead bounced off the glass and onto the floor. There was then a sudden 'crash', followed by a 'ding', which was no doubt the elevator giving way to the load it carried and coming to a hard stop at the floor they were on. Erol just sighed as the doors to the elevator opened and Praxis waddled out with a very serious expression on his face.

"Did someone say...race," He asked, raising an eyebrow and smiling menacingly.

"Yeah, I'm having a race in Spargus at noon," Jak said, completely forgetting what Erol had said before. "Wanna come?"

"I accept your challenge," Praxis said daringly. "But I warn you, when I race, I RACE..."

"See you soon, then," Jak said, running out of the palace to find his next victim. Praxis grabbed and dragged Erol over to his 'special' elevator, Erol pouting over being involved in yet another one of Jak's adventures...

-x-x-x-x-x-

It wasn't long before Jak had convinced most of the people he knew to take place in this charade. Jak, along with his new racing partner Damas, were by the palace, sitting in the Slam Dozer awaiting the rest of the 'contestants' to arive. And soon they did begin to file in one by one. Kliever and Sig came in the Gila Stomper and Praxis and Erol arrived in that trusty Baronmobile. Torn and Ashelin were next to come, riding in Ashelin's hellcat, and Razer and UR-86 arrived after them in Razer's Havoc V12. Keira and Samos were next, arriving in what Samos dubbed the 'Logmobile', which was a vehicle built out of nothing but trees, rocks, and plants. However, as Keira described, the thing wouldn't even go 5 miles an hour, so she was forced to add actual car parts, much to the dismay of Samos. Rayn and Krew, of all people, came next in what looked like Rayn's Firebat with Krew's hover-chair thing combined with it, Kor and Onin showed up in a motorcycle, and the last team to come was, strangely, Seem and Vin, on what looked like Vin's hover platform outfitted with precursor parts.

"OK, so what do we do," Keira asked once everyone was present.

"We race, of course," Jak said, smiling like he usually does. Everyone just raised an eyebrow at him.

"Uh, care to give us the details," Torn said.

"Start here," Jak said, pointing at the 'starting line' (which was some old bed sheet of Kliever's with the words 'start' and 'finish' crudely painted across it), "And race around Spargus that way three times," he continued, pointing towards the waterfront area. "last two people left at the end are eliminated and won't race again."

Everyone got a nervous shudder as Jak said 'again', meaning he was planning on doing this multiple times. Regardless, they all shrugged, as Veger walked out holding a flag. He stood a good distance away from the race teams, giving them a '3, 2, 1' countdown on his fingers before waiving the flag, the drivers taking off at full speed towards the beach; except for Onin and Kor, as they began crawling out of their position at a measly 5 miles an hour.

Up front, It had quickly become a battle between the Baron and Damas, as the two had pulled slightly ahead of the rest of the pack. On team father-son, Jak drove while Damas jabbed at Praxis's van with his staff thing. Praxis, however, seemed unfazed, and was pulling double duty, driving with one arm and foot and the other hand and foot attacking Damas with his Eco Sword.

Erol had asked several times if he could help, and got different responses. If he asked to drive, Praxis would vehemently claim that nobody is allowed to drive 'Junior', not even Ashelin. When asked why Ashelin wasn't allowed to drive, he also got differing responses, which either labeled Ashelin as a ten-year old, Praxis stating that 'her feet wouldn't even reach the pedals', or he would consider her a teenager, stating 'you know how teen girls are on the roads nowadays!'. The fact that Ashelin was 24 and perfectly capable of driving (although if you ask Torn, it would've helped if she'd taken some kind of driver's course) made those statements confusing. The response Erol would get if he asked to help fend Damas off was more casual, Praxis either saying he's got it under control, or saying that Erol was weak and couldn't even lift the sword, or that his arms weren't long enough. So, Erol was forced to sulk back into his seat, crossing his arms.

After one lap had passed, it was still Damas and Praxis neck and neck, pulling out to about a one second lead over third place Torn and Ashelin, followed closely by Sig and Kliever. Keira and Samos were fifth, and then it was Razer and UR-86 in sixth, Krew and Rayn in seventh, Seem and Vin in eighth, and last was Kor and Onin, who, although not having been lapped, were still about half a lap behind the pack.

However, soon things turned sour for the Vin and Seem camp. The two had been able to get up to Rayn and Krew, Vin relying on Seem's accurate throwing of precursor objects at Rayn's vehicle. Krew's attempts to use himself as a shield weren't working to well, and Vin thought for once in his life was going to succeed at something. Unfortunately that changed when, just as they had gotten nose to nose with Rayn, the precursor items stopped flying. Vin looked back in confusion to see that indeed, Seem had just gotten bored of the whole deal and now sat down at the back of the platform, pulling a flask full of whiskey out of her robes and taking a sip. Vin began to question Seem, to which the monk grumbled incoherently. Vin then began panicking, and soon had driven their hover thing off-course and into the side of a home, an explosion soon occurring.

Sadly, the two were never seen again; at least not until the next day when Seem appeared in the Naughty Otsel like usual, and Vin also mysteriously appeared in Torn's furnace. How they survived got the city speculating, one theory being that they were able to eject just before the crash, and another being that the whole explosion was just special effects. Someone even said that it wasn't the real Seem and Vin, but robots built to look like them, and that everyone else competing was a robot, and that they and everyone around them was a robot, and that robots were going to take over the world. But still, they weren't seen again.

Meanwhile back up front, Torn and Ashelin had somehow found their way up to Praxis and Damas, pulling up along the right side of the Baronmobile, whose doors had disappeared because of Praxis needing the room to attack the Slam Dozer. Praxis and Damas hadn't even noticed them, though, as they were locked in a heated duel with their respected weapons, both making lightsaber noises as they swung and jabbed at each other.

"How are we supposed to combat my father," Ashelin asked.

"Ashelin, Praxis won't even attack us if he knows you're in the vehicle," Torn said. "Just wave at see."

Ashelin just sighed and waved to her father, the Baron turning to see the sight and politely waving back with a smile, still somehow fending off Damas without looking behind him. He seemed to not even notice that Torn was there, either.

"So what do we do," Ashelin asked.

"I have an idea," Torn said, hopping out of his seat and going to the trunk of the hellcat.

"Sir, who were you waving to," Erol asked back inside the Baronmobile.

"Oh, it's just Ashelin, Erol," Praxis responded. "See for yourself!"

Erol just sighed at Praxis's lack of realization that he was actually competing against his daughter, and crawled out from the back of the Van to peer out the space that used to be the passenger's side door. However, as he did, he was forced into seeing something that made him freeze in his tracks. For you see, Torn had returned with his 'secret weapon', a box full of the one thing that he knew Erol, of all people, was deathly afraid of. He had discovered this fear two years ago at the Baron's Christmas party, and has been waiting to use it to his advantage ever since. Erol suddenly yelped in fear, retreating to the back of the Baronmobile at the sight of...

"Is...is that...broccoli," Ashelin asked, raising an eyebrow. Torn smiled dastardly as he began chucking florets of broccoli into the Baronmobile, apparently landing close enough to Erol to cause the commander to scream loudly, and sometimes girlishly. This action left Ashelin stunned, as even she didn't know of Erol's phobia.

"Curse you and your broccoli-throwing, sand man," Praxis yelled, grabbing the broccoli florets and chucking them at Damas, still unaware of Torn and Ashelin to his right. Erol finally decided enough was enough, and began to rummage through the back of the Baronmobile for HIS secret weapon.

Torn, however, was having the time of his life, hurling bunches of broccoli into the Baronmobile like his life depended on it. However, that confidence in himself would soon crumble, as Erol had returned with his weapon of choice, a box filled to the brim with bananas. Indeed, just as Erol had a fear of a certain green veggie, Torn had a phobia of a certain yellow fruit, and he showed that fear once the commander had begun hurling them towards the KG hellcat. As the curved yellow fruit landed in Torn's lap, the Underground leader screaming girlishly, hurling the banana back at Erol along with more broccoli. The banana that Torn threw hit Praxis in the head, who immediately accused Damas of throwing it, and chucked it in the direction that it came from, back at Torn, where it hit Ashelin in the head. This caused the Baron's daughter to become enraged, as she pulled out some kind of compressed air launcher and filled it with the one thing she knew her father was deathly afraid of.

"SIR, LOOK OUT," Erol screamed as he realized just what Ashelin was planning. Praxis turned his head to look out the window, just in time to see a 'Brooks and Dunn' cassette tape come flying at his head. Praxis ducked just in time, as the tape flew out the other side of the window and hit Daxter.

"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW," Praxis boomed, turning to the left suddenly and ramming into the side of the Slam Dozer.

"The force is strong with this one," Damas commented. "Quick, my son, execute plan beta pi delta!"

"Gotcha pops," Jak said, reaching into the trunk of the slam dozer to pull out their secret weapon. Jak had returned moments later with a metal canister that a hazardous material sticker on it, and two gas masks. Jak handed a mask and the canister to Damas, the sand king donning the mask and pressing a few buttons on the canister, creating a timer of about 5 seconds. Damas then handed the canister to Jak, who had donned his own mask, as the blonde hit the countdown button and then chucked the canister into the Baronmobile. As soon as Praxis was able to grab it, however, the timer went off, causing the lid of the canister popped up. A noxious, smelly, stinky gas soon came from it, which caused Praxis to drop the canister in disgust. The smell soon drifted back to Erol, who clutched his nose frantically once the smell got to him.

"AGH, WHAT IS THAT," Erol asked. Praxis was able to grab the canister and rip the lid open, only to have the fumes bellow out even faster. He looked inside to see what seemed to be a mixture of socks, underwear, sour milk, and rotten eggs.

"DAMAS, YOU HOOLIGAN, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS," Praxis yelled as the smell continued to fill the Baronmobile, spilling out of the door-less windows and drifting back to Torn and Ashelin.

"Good thing I haven't done any laundry for a few weeks," Jak said.

"That's mah boy," Damas said, pulling away from Praxis and Erol. The Baron was somehow able to chuck the canister out of the Baronmobile, the monstrosity spewing its contents all over as it finally landed several feet away from the vehicle. However, it seemed that this distraction had caused Jak and Damas to accelerate into the lead once again, Damas pulling ahead of the Baronmobile by about half a car length with only 2 laps left in the first heat.

"Hiya, Torn," Jak called out once they were out in front.

"TORN," Praxis spat suddenly, looking to his right to see that Torn was indeed with Ashelin in the hellcat next to them, him and Erol resuming their fruit and vegetable throwing at each other. The baron then became enraged again, shoving his steering wheel to the right, ramming into the hellcat with his prized possession. Torn responded by heaving more country music albums at the Baronmobile in addition to the broccoli florets. Praxis and Erol were able to somehow redirect everything back at Torn.

"Father, I AM in the vehicle, you know," Ashelin said, seeing as how the Baron was looking right directly at her. However, Praxis, in his blind provoked rage towards Torn, completely ignored her and continued ramming into the hellcat and jabbing at them with his eco sword. Ashelin was now all out of patience, so she suddenly jerked the hellcat to the left and began ramming the Baronmobile, only succeeding in enraging her father even more.

Erol, meanwhile, had realized that Ashelin had not been the target of a secret weapon, and had thought of just the perfect way to distract her. He reached into another box in the back of the van and pulled out a brand new issue of Ashelin's favorite magazine, Haven Teen Weekly; what that was even doing in the Baronmobile was beyond Erol, and it also mystified Erol that Ashelin even read teen magazines at her age. Regardless, it would buy the two time to pull ahead, which was exactly what happened when Erol waved the magazine in the air. Ashelin recognized the cover, and despite her best attempts to resist the urge, drove up to Erol and snatched it from him, squealing happily. Torn was then forced to take the wheel while Ashelin had moved to the right side of the hellcat with her new 'baby'.

Unfortunately, in the time it had taken for Praxis and Erol to finally shake and pull away from Torn and Ashelin, Damas and Jak had pulled away to about a three second lead, and after reaching the final lap, were too far ahead for the Baron to catch up to them, thus crossing the finish line first and winning the first heat. Praxis and Erol would cross in second, Ashelin and Torn in third, Keira and Samos in fourth, Kliever and Sig in fifth, Razer and UR-86 in sixth, and the last safe team would be Krew and Rayn in seventh. Kor and Onin, however, would arrive as the second elimination of the day along with Seem and Vin, and almost 15 minutes after Krew and Rayn had crossed the finish line. Why the two had gone so slow was beyond everyone, but most people believe that it was either because they were just old and slow, or because Onin had accidentally shifted the thing into neutral instead of drive.

Damas and Jak, meanwhile, had gone into full celebration mode, doing various activities such as doing burnouts, 'shaking their booties', fist-pumping, break dancing, fist-pumping, and doing their signature 'victory screech'.

"Enjoy your victory screeches while they last, sand man," Praxis said after pulling up beside the two during their celebration. "You may have eluded me this round, but next time we meet, it will be in MY city, and you'll be watching ME pulling away from YOU for the victory!"

"Are you sure you'll even be able to see yourself pull away, one-eye," Damas replied. Praxis gasped suddenly, taken aback by Damas's comment about his missing right eye; a subject that Praxis was pretty sensitive about.

"YOU...YOU...you TAKE THAT BACK, YOU RAPSCALLION!"

"COME AND MAKE ME," Damas yelled, hopping in his Slam Dozer and driving off. Praxis became enraged as expected, hopping back in his Baronmobile and pursuing after Damas, explosions, screams of civilians, and undecipherable yells and screams by the two being heard soon afterward...


	13. Shoo Jak

**Hey everyone, it's another Ed, Edd, n Eddy parody. Yeah, I'm having writer's block with the second part of 'Jakrun' and I decided to put this up. This is a play on the episode 'Shoo Ed' where they 'pestify' Jonny 2X4; again, characters and such have been changed to fit the Jak universe.**

Chapter 13: Shoo Jak

Ed: Jak

Edd: Torn

Eddy: Daxter

Kevin: Erol

Jonny and plank: Sig and poopsie bear

Sarah: Keira

Rolf: Damas

Jimmy: Vin

-X-X-X-X-

It was another normal afternoon in Haven City as Erol was searching through the city Junkyard for spare zoomer parts. He opened the trunk of a wrecked zoomer and began to rummage through the items piled up inside, throwing aside an air freshener. He then stopped when he spotted what looked to be a near-perfectly preserved gas pedal.

"Awesome; just what I was looking for," Erol said, grabbing the item. He suddenly heard what sounded like more rummaging from behind him and turned around quickly, shaking the piece in his hand. "Who's there," he shouted, seeing no one around but him. "This place gives me the creeps..."

Erol then turned his head and was frightened by the mysterious appearance of what he later confirmed as Sig's poopsie bear, knocking him off balance and into some more junk. He went to stand up but that caused the ironing board beneath him to begin to move, sending him down the slope of the junk pile and into some kind of blockade, where he flew off and landed inside another pile of junk.

"What'cha doing, Erol," Sig, who had also mysteriously appeared, asked as Erol tried to pull himself out of the pile. "Did you lose something? Maybe he lost something, poopsie! What's that, poopsie...poopsie says you should be more careful not to lose things," he said to Erol, who had by now gotten himself free.

"You're buggin' me man; take a hike," Erol fumed as he shook a toaster away from his foot. Erol then began to make his way back to the palace; and Sig followed him, pestering the poor commander even more.

"Did you lose this, Erol," Sig asked as he held up a toilet seat. Erol just shook him off as Sig ran off again. "Hey, Erol, poopsie found a bed spring! Hey Erol, do you like that shoe?"

Erol by now was trying his hardest not to grab the nearest heavy object and chuck it at Sig, as the wastelander came up behind him and said: "Hey, Erol, what'cha doin'?"

"Chill and hang with me," Erol said calmly after taking a moment to collect himself. "OVER THERE!"

"Really? Cool! Let's hang, poopsie; whatever that means," Sig replied as he ran off in the direction Erol pointed. "What a leach," Erol commented to himself after Sig was out of earshot and began to walk back to the palace again, hoping that the distractions were over. However, he had the inkling that he was forgetting something, and that suspicion was confirmed when he heard an engine coming towards him, looking behind to see Sig driving Erol's zoomer wildly. Erol gasped at the sight as Sig yelled: "Woohoo! Erol, we found a bike, we found a bike!"

"That's MY bike," Erol spat as he ran after the wastelander. "Get back here!"

(elsewhere)

"Relish the fine summer's day, Daxter," Torn said to the otsel as the two and Jak sat together on the stairs of the stadium. "Absorb the solitude of the city; the aroma of fresh-cut grass!"

"It stinks; I'm bored," Daxter replied.

"I forgot to wear underwear guys," Jak said randomly, earning raised eyebrows from the other two. Daxter began to sulk, when suddenly there was the sound of an engine revving followed by Sig speeding right for the two. zusing Jak as a ramp, he launching into the sky then landed on Torn and Daxter shortly after and sped off.

"Hi, Sig," Jak said as Kevin stumbled after Sig, panting heavily.

"Come back here with...my bike," he said, catching his breath.

Hi, Erol," Jak greeted.

"That guy's REALLY bugging me," Erol said to himself.

"Hey, check it out, Erol's talking to himself," Daxter whispered.

"Seems as though Erol's at wit's end," Torn commented.

"Man, I'd give ANYTHING to get rid of that twerp," Erol said. Almost immediately, Daxter's face lit up, to which Torn said: "Oh dear...Jak, Daxter's got that insidious look again!"

"Daxter should eat more vegetables," Jak said as Daxter scurried away towards the commander.

"Quit fooling around, Sig," Erol yelled as Sig drove by doing a handstand on Erol's zoomer. "Mess up my paint job and I'll pound ya...What are YOU lookin' at," he asked as soon as he spotted Daxter with a wise smirk and his arms crossed.

"I hear you'd give ANYTHING to get rid of Sig," Daxter said, getting grabbed by Erol shortly after.

"Get a life, dork," Erol said before tossing the otsel right back down on the ground.

"Stop tickling me, poopsie," Sig said suddenly as a sound similar to tires screeching was heard followed by a loud crash, Sig laughing joyously while Erol cringed in horror at the apparent sight of his Zoomer lying in a massive heap of twisted metal somewhere off-camera. A piece of the zoomer landed by Erol's feet, Erol picking it up and mourning the loss of his ride.

"So, you're telling me YOU can get rid of him," Erol said to Daxter.

"Goin' rate's a quarter," Daxter said, brushing himself off.

"I'll give you a nickel," Erol said.

"A QUARTER," Daxter yelled.

"**A NICKEL!**" Erol spat back louder, knocking Daxter to the ground again. "Get over yourself!"

"What's the big deal, cheapskate," Daxter grunted as the two butted heads.

"Hey Erol," Sig yelled suddenly, the two turning to see that the wastelander was now wearing the zoomer parts like a costume, earning another horrific stare from Erol. "I'm the zoomer pixie! Catch me if you can!" Sig ran off in another random direction to which Erol admitted defeat. Daxer held out his hand to accept the payment.

"Fine," Erol said, coughing up the cash. "But if that guy comes within TEN feet of me..." he continued, running his finger across his neck while making the appropriate sound effect, then walking away.

"There's gotta be like, 30 orbs here," Daxter said giddily.

"I'm a pixie; let's dance in the woods, poopsie," Sig said from behind the two, running merrily.

"I can see how Sig's innocent game-playing could wear on someone's nerves," Torn commented as he watched Sig run circles around Jak.

"Flutter around the mushroom, that's what pixies do," Sig shouted while skipping around the blonde. "Watch this, Jak," Sig said, bending around and after a brief moment, turned back with Poopsie stuffed into his shirt and a crazed look on his face. "I'm a two-headed monster, OOOH! Attack the mushroom!" Sig then began to crawl onto Jak, to which the blond said: "Boy, are you a pain in the neck, Sig!"

Daxter, meanwhile, couldn't help but get one of his famed scam ideas, stating: "Let's turn Sig into the biggest pest in the city! People will throw money at us just to get rid of him!"

Torn glared at Daxter while Jak stared on as Sig was now biting Jak's head and shoulders. "Come on, Jak, let's create a monster!"

"He's like a BAD ITCH, DAXTER!" Jak yelled, dropping to the ground and trying to roll Sig off of him. "Aaah, get him off! He is annoying my head," he continued, Torn attempting to rush to his aid.

(later)

The three finally rendezvoused at the Underground, using Torn's shed as a base to unveil their creation. Jak laughed a combination of stupidly and insanely as he lowered to table which supposedly held a new and improved Sig down to eye level.

"Ready," Daxter asked, Jak reaching over to grab the sheet.

"As I'll ever be, Dax," Torn said as Jak pulled the sheet off.

"Repulsive," Jak said. However, all they saw was Sig in a nice suit, making faces at them.

"A suit? Annoying? I spent TWO hours counterbalancing chains, and all you could come up with is a suit," Torn flared as Sig kept raising his legs up while Torn tried pushing them back down only to have Sig raise them again.

"And what's with you? It was the most annoying thing I could think of," Daxter replied.

"My FATHER wears a suit," Torn rebuttled.

"Exactly!"

"Well I suggest something a little more on-topic: Anchovies," Torn said as he pulled out a can of anchovy paste. "The person who invented this smelly, salty fish dish should've been imprisoned for the rest of their life!" Torn then proceeded to take a spoon and scoop out some of the abomination, stating to Sig with watering eyes: "Open wide please."

"I smell something fishy," Sig commented as Torn tried to get him to eat the substance. However, Sig kept wiggling around which made Torn start to lose his patience. "Poopsie says fish is..." Sig didn't finish his sentence because Torn used the opportunity while Sig had his eyes closed to force the food into Sig, using the spoon as a toothbrush.

"I glued a block of wood to Sig's foot," Jak said after he had done the obvious.

"Jak, WHY did you glue a wooden block to Sig's foot? Why these chains, and why the suit? Why Sig," Torn asked in a craze.

"Sig, people really like it when you say WHY all the time," Daxter said. Torn just glared at him.

"They do? Why? Why? Why, why," Sig asked.

"And people really like it when you poke them on the head," Jak said, doing said action to Torn why yelled at him. "See, Daxter likes it!"

Daxter stumbled back beside Torn, regaining himself when the two suddenly heard a "YEEEHAAAHH!" from Sig, staring in awe as something amazing happened off-screen.

"Sig! That's GOLD! Do it again," Daxter said.

"YEEEEHAAAAWWW!" Sig boomed, his fishy breath going right into Jak's face.

"Low tide," Jak said, waving the air in front of his nose. Sig 'yeehaw'ed one more time for good measure.

"Oh, man we're gonna be rich! Come on, Sig, let's get cracking," Daxter said.

"No problem, Dax," Sig responded, cracking his knuckles loudly.

"What a PEST!" Jak yelled, running away.

"That's disgusting," Torn added.

"MAKE HIM STOP," Jak yelled again.

"Oh, I'm sorry, did I say rich," Daxter asked. "I meant SUPER RICH! Let's pester!"

(Meanwhile)

"Do you think swallows will visit our birdhouse? Keira," Vin asked. The two were currently relaxing in the forest near the big tree.

"We'd be lucky if a squirrel used it, Vin," Keira replied. She suddenly heard what sounded like pecking, shouting: "Vin! It's a woodpecker, do you hear it?" However, it wasn't a woodpecker, it was Sig, who was poking Vin on the forehead.

"Eh! Sig, what did I do," Vin asked shakily.

"Are you watchin' birds, Vin," Sig asked, his noxious breath drifting past Vin's nose.

"Fishy...breath..." Vin said, fainting. Keira then growled and lept at Sig, yelling: "You're asking for trouble, bub!"

"Poke, poke, poke," Sig said, poking Keira and knocking her off him. Keira recovered but discovered that Sig had disappeared.

"Where'd he go? Fathead..." Keira began, but stopped when...

"YEEEEHAAHH!"

"Jumpin' Jehoshaphat," Vin shrieked.

"YEEEHAAAWWW," Sig boomed, showing that he had now taken residence inside of the birdhouse.

"Keira, he's gonna scare the swallows," Vin said.

"Ergh, SIG, GET OUTTA THERE," Keira spat.

"Why," Sig asked, poking his head out then ducking back in.

"Cause I said so," Keira replied.

"Why?"

"Cause your bugging us!"

"...Why?"

"CAUSE YOUR STUPID!"

"Why?"

"Why doesn't he just go away," Vin asked.

"For a lousy 25 cents, let us get that Sig off your back," Daxter said, he, Jak, and Torn appearing at the scene of the crime.

"Get lost, Daxter," Keira yelled.

"But Keira...think of the swallows," Vin said. "Oh, Brother," Keira sighed.

"Swallows are beautiful," Vin said, forking over the payment. "Jak, fetch," Daxter said, snapping his fingers. Jak ran over to the tree and circled it before somehow pulling the tree down into the ground and getting the birdhouse to a reachable level. He then dove in, and after a short struggle, forced Sig out. He then busted from the house, carrying Sig over to the fence and lifting the wastelander over it.

"I'm having so much fun I can't stand it," Sig said with a laugh, Jak dropping him to the other side.

"Sig has left the building," Jak said triumphantly.

"Are we through yet," Torn asked.

"Just stand there and look pretty," Daxter said. "Next!"

(Later)

Damas happily sat on a tree stump in his backyard, enjoying a picnic while unaware of Daxter and Torn spying on him from behind his shed.

"I'm not sure about this, Dax," Torn said.

"What are you talking about," Daxter replied as the two ducked behind the shed to what looked to be a very large cardboard box resembling a cage of some sort.

"Tattooed Wonder, provoke our creation," Daxter said.

"Boy Daxter, provoke? Those tutoring lessons must be paying off," Torn said as he took a broom and pushed the bristle end into the window of the cage box thing.

"YEEHAAA...Poke poke...why, why...why...YEEEHAAAHH!" Sig said in between attacks on the broom. Torn pulled it out to reveal a now broom-less broom and just a stick.

"Stand back," Daxter called as he opened the cage, Sig leaping out. "Go get em, Tiger!"

"JAK," Torn scoleded, the blonde in question stopping after attempting to walk away with a bunch of Damas's chickens stuffed into his shirt.

"I love chickens, Torn," Jak said in defeat, turning around again.

"Yes, we know, Jak," Torn replied as Daxter giggled in the background.

Damas, meanwhile, was still enjoying his picnic unaware of the mayhem that was about to befall him, when Sig walked up to the scene.

"Sig the teddy-boy," Damas asked, surprised.

"Can I have a bite of your sandwich, Damas," Sig asked, his anchovie breath weaving it's way over to Damas's face. Damas took a sniff and seemed intrigued.

"Anchovie paste...19...52? A fine year! Hail to the anchovies," Damas commented. "Damas respects the stench!"

"Poke, poke, poke," Sig said, poking Damas. Yet again, the man seemed pleased. "Ho ho, Damas is honored by your knowledge of the wastelander's customary salute!" He then proceeded to poke Sig back, slapping his back a few times in the process as well as kicking him in the rear. He then picked Sig up and asked: "Did you catch my drift?"

"YEEEHAAAWWW!" Sig said, blasting fish breath right into Damas's face.

"You are full of pickles and beets today, yes Sig," Damas asked, still unfazed; though his hair could use some fixing.

"Why?"

"I invite you and your bear to join me! Come," Damas said, running off with a confused Sig.

"What just happened? Damas fell in love with the guy," Daxter asked, equally confused.

"It appears annoyance doesn't cross cultural boundaries," Torn added.

"This calls for drastic measures," Daxter said, running off.

"Drastic measures," Torn asked. "What does that mean, I ask you?" He then spotted Jak behind him apparently holding his breath for some reason.

"Jak," Torn asked; Jak just tried to be cool. "Jak!" Torn knew what the blonde was up to this time, but Jak just shook his head again. "Goodness, Jak, give it some air, man!" Jak forced himself to open his mouth, sticking his tongue to reveal he'd stowed away another one of Damas's chickens in his mouth.

Sig, meanwhile, was watching a strange game take place which was shown to be Kliever and Seem, Damas's pigs, licking his toes and feet.

"Are you keeping score, Sig? The sows have yet to win at this game," Damas proclaimed. "Amateurs I tell you!"

"I don't get it either, Poopsie," Sig said to his bear.

"Pst, Sig," Daxter whispered from the bush behind the wastelander. Sig leaned in and Daxter whispered his plan into Sig's ear, to which he responded: "Why?"

"Don't milk it, Sig," Daxter said, pushing Sig away.

"What're you up to, Daxter," Torn asked as Daxter dove to the ground. "Take cover," the otsel said, Jak and Torn looking worried.

"Tell me, Sig," Damas said after a good laugh. "Is Damas a hot shot?"

"Watch this, Damas," Sig said. He the cracked his knuckles again, along with his neck and possibly his shoulders. Damas's animals suddenly tensed up, the king looking behind him as Sig cracked his body again.

"Ah! STAMPEDE!" Damas yelled as his animals suddenly went into a hissy, running after him.

"Any minute now and Damas'll be begging to pay us," Daxter said as the man in question ran by, yelling: "Run for your lives!". "What'd I tell ya? Hey Damas, we can get rid of him..." Daxter began again, but was interrupted when Jak screamed and began running away, Daxter and Torn realizing the danger and followed suit. Unfortunately, they ran right inside of the cage from before, the animals following soon after and the door slamming shut, trapping them inside.

"Holy cow! Look, Poopsie," Sig said, marveling the display.

"Sig, I'll give you a nickel if you let us out," Daxter yelled to the wastelander.

"Hm...a quarter," Sig said, cracking his neck. The animals went crazy again, attacking the three inisde the cage.

"A nickel," Daxter yelled, wanting to win still. "Dax, give him the quarter," Torn pleaded.

"Two quarters," Sig said, cracking again.

"A nickel!"

"Three quarters!"

"A NICKEL!"

"A Dollar," Sig demanded, snapping his whole body. The animals once again frenzied, Torn and Jak hoping that Daxter would just give it up already and give Sig the dollar before anything else happened to them...

**Should hopefully have the next real chapter up soon.**


End file.
